How to encourage independence during playdates

[Anonymous]

OP back. Thank you for these replies. I think my main issues are 1. needing to discipline other people's kids, which I find difficult, and 2. redirecting them in the moment away from inappropriate stuff (making "potions" with food in the kitchen; yeah that's a hard pass).

For those who feel like this is parenting 101, I get it, this seems basic. But having one 10 yo DD who's usually pretty well behaved, I don't run into disciplinary problems often so this felt stressful. I also recognize DD's friends are increasingly important to her as she enters the tween years, and I'm trying to adjust my parenting approach towards more independence (and also not be so rigid with my own rules).

Final question, any great ideas to occupy tween girls that aren't crafts? I'm good at those, but on a rainy day indoors they got bored (and hence were underfoot). Kids only want to sit for so long and we're in a small colonial. Appreciate any ideas from btdt parents. Thanks all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, yes I know the answer is organization and planning. Also they needed to be outside and the rain didn't help. But sometimes it's just a lot; at 10 with a friend over, I expect DD to be occupied and engaged with that friend, not have that friend and her try to engage me. Again, this is a dynamic between these two that is not new, so I should learn to expect it. I think I just hit my limit today.

To PP who said that's concerning, I agree. But I don't get any feedback like this when DD plays at others' houses and she knows to clean up after herself, how to problem solve, etc. She does less well at home bc I think she relies on me, which is my issue to solve, I'm aware.

NP. I mean...yes and no. The answer is that she and her friend are old enough to supervise and entertain themselves, and they only way they will learn how to do it is if they are given the opportunity to do it. I'm assuming you already have a ton of things in your home that could keep your child occupied: games, crafts, toy, books, screens if you allow that. In terms of organization and planning, I would have a talk with her beforehand. "Larla, you are too old now to have your mom play with you on playdates. That is not something most kids your age do, and I am busy today with chores. So tell me some things you and Slarla can do while she is here. Ok, sounds good. And you guys are old enough to get your own snacks. You can get X, Y, and Z for snacks. If you ask me to do these things while she is here, I am going to remind you both that you are old enough now to do these things alone, and I am busy."

If she and her friend can't entertain themselves, tell them they can end the playdate early. If this regularly happens, she may not be the best kid to have over. Both my kids had friends at this age who I would only have over under specific circumstances (i.e., we were already planning an activity or outing that would keep them occupied, like going to a movie, and then I would end the playdate after that). If my kids complained, I would explain "Slara gets bored at our house and it's too hard for me to do chores when she is here." I'm sure it probably got repeated to the other kids at some point, but whatever.

[Anonymous]

It's just one friend this happens with. Can't you just suck it up and deal? I mean, you're a parent. This is part of parenting. Clearly your kid is independent enough with playdates with other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have a conversation before the play date and explain your expectations. Maybe she can pull together the snack and check what drinks are available in the house. Have you considered the play date is too long and she runs out of things to do? Talk about activities before the guest arrives too.

This is great advice. It'll be effort up front, but it'll improve in the long run. Use this as an opportunity to teach her how to be a hostess. And frame it in a way that makes it sound like it's responsibility she can handle because she's getting more mature.

[Anonymous]

You talk to her about it beforehand and help her plan activities and snacks and tell her you’ll be busy so she needs to get things herself and only disturb you if she really needs help. Then you keep yourself busy while the kid is there and follow through on your expectation. Check on her once or twice when you know things are going well then excuse yourself again. After her friend leaves you tell her how great she did and how proud you are of her and have a conversation about how she thinks it went. If you see problems during the play date address these things specifically the NEXT time before the friend arrives, don’t discourage her with your complaining about how poorly she may have done without you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of an only here; she's 10 and generally well-behaved. A dynamic I've noticed however is a tendency towards relying on me too much during playdates. As an only I want her friends to feel comfortable here. But today after watching their "play', being asked to be a customer in the "salon", and making them lunch and snacks, etc., I'm honestly frustrated. It seems to happen the most with a particular child who plays with her sometimes; I think this is the dynamic at her house. But my daughter definitely participates and I need different rules in my home.

Yes, I've said something ("I'm doing laundry, why don't you guys play a game/do a craft") and every time I'm asked to get snacks I remind my 10 yo that she knows where everything is and can get things for herself and her guests. But this behavior continues and it's making me really short. I'm aware that she'll be a teen soon and want nothing do do with me, so I'm not trying to push her away. But I don't like this dynamic that as an adult I'm the entertainment. Honestly it's Sunday, I have stuff to do (like laundry) and these kids are 10, not 6.

Can others relate? Any advice on how to set loving boundaries here?

Why are you a part of their play date?

[Anonymous]

I have a tween and if there is a playdate on a rainy day and it runs more than 2 hours there will inevitably be screens. They start out doing craftd and chatting. They may occasionally pull out dolls or play hotel.
It's okay to let them play Roblox or Minecraft. I find the older kids become the less they are into imaginative play. Turn on a movie, let them dance to music, pull out the Nintendo switch.

They were likely bored out of their minds. You should also consider reducing the amount of time of your playdates.

[Anonymous]

It can be tough with an assertive visitor kid who is used to parents who drop everything to entertain them. Just be clear: "No I'm not part of this game, I'm cleaning. Larla you already asked and I gave you my answer, which is no." And then suggest some things they could do and go back to your project.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a tween and if there is a playdate on a rainy day and it runs more than 2 hours there will inevitably be screens. They start out doing craftd and chatting. They may occasionally pull out dolls or play hotel.
It's okay to let them play Roblox or Minecraft. I find the older kids become the less they are into imaginative play. Turn on a movie, let them dance to music, pull out the Nintendo switch.

They were likely bored out of their minds. You should also consider reducing the amount of time of your playdates.

Disagree. Screens are easier, sure, but my 12-year old only still has plenty of hang outs at our house without screens. This weekend she and her school friend planned out their own babysitters club and drew posters by hand. Last weekend she and another friend played badminton and made necklaces and talked about crushes.

If screens are not currently an expectation, don't let that genie out of the box.

[Anonymous]

I have a DD about that age. I have noticed when she has certain friends over, they are able to do their own thing and need very little interaction with me. And I have noticed at least one or two where they get bored easily and need to come and find me to figure out what to do.

To me it’s pretty clear that she has more fun with the first set and the second set are not really the right fit friends-wise. So we likely invite the first set over more and just skip play dates with kids who don’t have fun together.

You may just need to skip play dates with the kids where they need more interaction with you. Keep trying with different kids until they have so much fun together that they forget you are even there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG can you not see you created this dynamic?

When my kids have playdates they get to practice being the host. They are responsible for comfort snacks and drinks. We did this from about the age of 4. A 10 year old? I can't imagine what other problems you created.

OMG can you not see how dramatic you are?

What are comfort snacks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tween and if there is a playdate on a rainy day and it runs more than 2 hours there will inevitably be screens. They start out doing craftd and chatting. They may occasionally pull out dolls or play hotel.
It's okay to let them play Roblox or Minecraft. I find the older kids become the less they are into imaginative play. Turn on a movie, let them dance to music, pull out the Nintendo switch.

They were likely bored out of their minds. You should also consider reducing the amount of time of your playdates.

Disagree. Screens are easier, sure, but my 12-year old only still has plenty of hang outs at our house without screens. This weekend she and her school friend planned out their own babysitters club and drew posters by hand. Last weekend she and another friend played badminton and made necklaces and talked about crushes.

If screens are not currently an expectation, don't let that genie out of the box.

Agreed. My 5 year old knows that there are no screens when she has friends over. If she’s over at someone else’s house and their parents allow them to watch something, then that’s fine. Obviously I’m not going to dictate that. The only exception is if we’re having a family over for quite awhile — like, lunch and then the entire afternoon, until dinner time. After the kids have been playing hard for 3-4 hours, we usually let them watch an episode or two of a show. But in my experience, the excitement of having a friend over means my daughter is much less interested in screens than usual.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid about this age with a similar dynamic with one friend, as well. Part of it is that the other friend likes to show off for adults, a bit -- hard to put it into words but she kind of craves being the center of attention (my child does not).

I set big boudaries with my DD in advance on what is on or off the table -- for example, don't even ask about making slime after the previous distaster. But not too a more detailed level, it's just a waste of effort IMO.

Then if I am being roped in on the play date, I give a firm boundary in the moment. If they have been rehearsing a dance, I'll agree to watch it for them 1x, or whatever. I have no problem to saying no to being part of the activity and OP, I think you just firmly say no and move on.

Making snacks, that I don't mind at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a tween and if there is a playdate on a rainy day and it runs more than 2 hours there will inevitably be screens. They start out doing craftd and chatting. They may occasionally pull out dolls or play hotel.
It's okay to let them play Roblox or Minecraft. I find the older kids become the less they are into imaginative play. Turn on a movie, let them dance to music, pull out the Nintendo switch.

They were likely bored out of their minds. You should also consider reducing the amount of time of your playdates.

Disagree. Screens are easier, sure, but my 12-year old only still has plenty of hang outs at our house without screens. This weekend she and her school friend planned out their own babysitters club and drew posters by hand. Last weekend she and another friend played badminton and made necklaces and talked about crushes.

If screens are not currently an expectation, don't let that genie out of the box.

Agreed. My 5 year old knows that there are no screens when she has friends over. If she’s over at someone else’s house and their parents allow them to watch something, then that’s fine. Obviously I’m not going to dictate that. The only exception is if we’re having a family over for quite awhile — like, lunch and then the entire afternoon, until dinner time. After the kids have been playing hard for 3-4 hours, we usually let them watch an episode or two of a show. But in my experience, the excitement of having a friend over means my daughter is much less interested in screens than usual.

You are so cute, lady with a 5 year old. Come back in 5 years and we will see if your experience on this topic is still the same.