How to encourage independence during playdates
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Mom of an only here; she's 10 and generally well-behaved. A dynamic I've noticed however is a tendency towards relying on me too much during playdates. As an only I want her friends to feel comfortable here. But today after watching their "play', being asked to be a customer in the "salon", and making them lunch and snacks, etc., I'm honestly frustrated. It seems to happen the most with a particular child who plays with her sometimes; I think this is the dynamic at her house. But my daughter definitely participates and I need different rules in my home.
Yes, I've said something ("I'm doing laundry, why don't you guys play a game/do a craft") and every time I'm asked to get snacks I remind my 10 yo that she knows where everything is and can get things for herself and her guests. But this behavior continues and it's making me really short. I'm aware that she'll be a teen soon and want nothing do do with me, so I'm not trying to push her away. But I don't like this dynamic that as an adult I'm the entertainment. Honestly it's Sunday, I have stuff to do (like laundry) and these kids are 10, not 6. Can others relate? Any advice on how to set loving boundaries here? |
Anonymous
| Walk away lol |
Anonymous
| This is concerning at 10, OP. What is she like at play-dates at her friend’s homes and what is she like at school? |
Anonymous
| Just. Say. No. It's easy. One syllable. |
Anonymous
| I would have a conversation before the play date and explain your expectations. Maybe she can pull together the snack and check what drinks are available in the house. Have you considered the play date is too long and she runs out of things to do? Talk about activities before the guest arrives too. |
Anonymous
|
OMG can you not see you created this dynamic?
When my kids have playdates they get to practice being the host. They are responsible for comfort snacks and drinks. We did this from about the age of 4. A 10 year old? I can't imagine what other problems you created. |
Anonymous
|
OP here, yes I know the answer is organization and planning. Also they needed to be outside and the rain didn't help. But sometimes it's just a lot; at 10 with a friend over, I expect DD to be occupied and engaged with that friend, not have that friend and her try to engage me. Again, this is a dynamic between these two that is not new, so I should learn to expect it. I think I just hit my limit today.
To PP who said that's concerning, I agree. But I don't get any feedback like this when DD plays at others' houses and she knows to clean up after herself, how to problem solve, etc. She does less well at home bc I think she relies on me, which is my issue to solve, I'm aware. |
Anonymous
Just stop. We all know DCUM is like this but take your catastrophizing elsewhere. It's a playdate, discussion, ffs. Keep it moving if you can't sound sane. 
|
Anonymous
OP what happens when different friends are over? |
Anonymous
+ 1. “OMG my DD has been putting out charcuterie boards since she was 5 learn how to parent!” |
Anonymous
Dynamic is much better. Some similarities but not the extreme dependence and (what I view as) entitlement. This may be a function of this other kid but I clearly need to help DD behave better regardless of pressures/peer behavior. And of course it starts with me, hence seeking advice here. Also lol to the charcuterie boards poster. Appreciate the support. Clearly I care, hence my query. |
Anonymous
|
"No, you two are having the playdate not me."
When you have this friend over, I might provide an easy but fun craft or some more structured (that doesn't involve you), but it is absolutely fine to say no. If the friend is used to different rules, you may need to kindly but directly tell her how things work at your house. |
Anonymous
| OP, I have a 10 y/o boy, but the boys have a decent amount of video game time when they have a friend over. They also play outside (basketball, etc) but are you allowing any screens? I used to insist on no screens during play dates when they were younger, but I think if you are expecting two girls to create plays, have salons, and come up with endless creative ideas, it can be hard. Your daughter may be trying to loop you in because she’s out of new ideas for things to do with her friend and is worried the friend won’t have fun and will not want to hang out with her, so she’s trying to subtly enlist your support. It’s ok to let them have a little screen time to learn choreography to a dance or whatnot or just take a break from being “on.” |
Anonymous
OMG can you not see how dramatic you are? |
Anonymous
| Screens pp, I agree. I used to be hardcore no screens at playdates. Now with a ten year old if the amuse themselves for a couple hours, it's fine if they watch a show or movie |