My “needing to be liked” problem

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem OP! And it is very painful to date with this trait. Look up "anxious attachment" style. It stems from childhood and not feeling good enough.
I also found a helpful article on how to deal with feelings of neediness:

"Five Ways to Overcome Feelings of Neediness" by Craig Malkin in Psychology Today (posted Nov 30, 2012).

[Anonymous]

Similar story, OP, and I also tried to address it for years through talk therapy, will power, and self help. Some of these efforts helped a little at the margins, but nothing truly moved the needle.

It wasn't until I hit menopause and went on antidepressants-antianxiety meds to help with those symptoms that I really was able to get a handle on my feelings of inadequacy, people pleasing, etc. It's funny because all I really wanted was some relief from hot flashes, but the true benefits have all been to my mental health. I had no idea how much anxiety I had learned to live with, or how living with a high level of anxiety sets you up to over-react to (and obsessively try to neutralize) perceived threats - especially those that recreate or remind you of past trauma. Now, with that baseline level of anxiety under control, I am finally able to "stop caring" as some pps have suggested.

It has been a revelation. My only regret is that I didn't try meds sooner. So, my advice is that if you've tried talk therapy and self-help and all the things, and after years of these efforts you're still not at a place where you can control it (as well as understand it), is to find a doctor who can help you think through your medication options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have the same problem OP! And it is very painful to date with this trait. Look up "anxious attachment" style. It stems from childhood and not feeling good enough.
I also found a helpful article on how to deal with feelings of neediness:

"Five Ways to Overcome Feelings of Neediness" by Craig Malkin in Psychology Today (posted Nov 30, 2012).

Thank you, that was a really helpful read. I'm bookmarking to think more on in the future.

Here's the link for anyone else who is interested:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/romance-redux/201211/five-ways-overcome-feelings-neediness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Similar story, OP, and I also tried to address it for years through talk therapy, will power, and self help. Some of these efforts helped a little at the margins, but nothing truly moved the needle.

It wasn't until I hit menopause and went on antidepressants-antianxiety meds to help with those symptoms that I really was able to get a handle on my feelings of inadequacy, people pleasing, etc. It's funny because all I really wanted was some relief from hot flashes, but the true benefits have all been to my mental health. I had no idea how much anxiety I had learned to live with, or how living with a high level of anxiety sets you up to over-react to (and obsessively try to neutralize) perceived threats - especially those that recreate or remind you of past trauma. Now, with that baseline level of anxiety under control, I am finally able to "stop caring" as some pps have suggested.

It has been a revelation. My only regret is that I didn't try meds sooner. So, my advice is that if you've tried talk therapy and self-help and all the things, and after years of these efforts you're still not at a place where you can control it (as well as understand it), is to find a doctor who can help you think through your medication options.

Thank you for describing your experience! Can you tell it bit more? What meds? What dosage? Any side effects? What were your overreactions? I am not trying to pry - I have thought that I might need meds but my therapist has always said I don't.

[Anonymous]

it's helped me to do something progressive in nature, where I only compare myself to my past self. For me, it started off with running (adding a few mins each week), then spin classes online (again, slowly increasing my caloric intake). I don't run with other people and i don't bother watching the leader board. I don't join races. I just look at how I did last week. It's a weird thing that has translated to just not caring about others' opinions as much. Also, just increasing participation on activities where I am in "the zone" - for me it was painting and reading - i forget about the world and their opinions.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I gave up on people years ago. I spent so much wasted energy trying to get people to like me or to fit in. I finally realized it would never work. It has been years since I have been invited anywhere or has anyone called me. And yes t may sound sad, but I have accepted that. Maybe some of us are meant to be alone.

[Anonymous]

Ugh, I am feeling this so much right now. A person I have never considered more than a casual acquaintance recently decided to unfollow me on social media. Which is fine! This was not a friend and this change will impact me in no way. But I realized it by accident (was trying to remember the name of their employer to answer a question for someone else, and when I navigated to their profile saw that we were no longer connected) and now it's just haunting me. Like I need to know why they would do this, and if there was something I did or said that could have prevented it. I hate feeling like this. And again, this is over a casual acquaintance I've spoken to maybe 6 times in my life and who I almost never think about unless I happen to run into her or someone else mentions her. So imagine how I respond when an actual friend or family member expresses displeasure with me.

I really wish I could let stuff like this roll off my back. I'm in my 40s. I'm not going to go cry about it or do anything about it, but it's crazy to me that it's now been on my mind for hours. I wish I could just find if funny or genuinely not care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, I am feeling this so much right now. A person I have never considered more than a casual acquaintance recently decided to unfollow me on social media. Which is fine! This was not a friend and this change will impact me in no way. But I realized it by accident (was trying to remember the name of their employer to answer a question for someone else, and when I navigated to their profile saw that we were no longer connected) and now it's just haunting me. Like I need to know why they would do this, and if there was something I did or said that could have prevented it. I hate feeling like this. And again, this is over a casual acquaintance I've spoken to maybe 6 times in my life and who I almost never think about unless I happen to run into her or someone else mentions her. So imagine how I respond when an actual friend or family member expresses displeasure with me.

I really wish I could let stuff like this roll off my back. I'm in my 40s. I'm not going to go cry about it or do anything about it, but it's crazy to me that it's now been on my mind for hours. I wish I could just find if funny or genuinely not care.

To both OP and PP, I don't have any solutions but I just want to say I completely relate. I have done the same thing with social media - wondered if I did something, wondered if I was just intrinsically so annoying that they felt the need to unfollow, wondered how I could be more likeable, wondered what is wrong with me. It eats away at me. And it will be some random person I am not close with! The only thing that has helped is being really honest with my closest friends about my own needs and feelings, and also that my DH is so incredibly consistent and vocal in his love/support for me. But even then it still weighs on me quite heavily.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Similar story, OP, and I also tried to address it for years through talk therapy, will power, and self help. Some of these efforts helped a little at the margins, but nothing truly moved the needle.

It wasn't until I hit menopause and went on antidepressants-antianxiety meds to help with those symptoms that I really was able to get a handle on my feelings of inadequacy, people pleasing, etc. It's funny because all I really wanted was some relief from hot flashes, but the true benefits have all been to my mental health. I had no idea how much anxiety I had learned to live with, or how living with a high level of anxiety sets you up to over-react to (and obsessively try to neutralize) perceived threats - especially those that recreate or remind you of past trauma. Now, with that baseline level of anxiety under control, I am finally able to "stop caring" as some pps have suggested.

It has been a revelation. My only regret is that I didn't try meds sooner. So, my advice is that if you've tried talk therapy and self-help and all the things, and after years of these efforts you're still not at a place where you can control it (as well as understand it), is to find a doctor who can help you think through your medication options.

Thank you for describing your experience! Can you tell it bit more? What meds? What dosage? Any side effects? What were your overreactions? I am not trying to pry - I have thought that I might need meds but my therapist has always said I don't.

PP here. You should talk to a doctor about meds, dosages, side-effects, etc. These things will be very specific to your health situation. And in 20 years of talk therapy, I never had a counselor suggest medications either. I only discovered how much my anxiety was affecting me when it went away as a result of meds I take for menopause.