My “needing to be liked” problem

[Anonymous]

I struggle with needing people to like me. It really stresses me out when someone seems to clearly dislike it disapprove of me. I know this is a problem other people have so I am wondering how others have worked on this.

For me, I know it stems from growing up in a home where all the adults were very judgmental and had extremely high standards for children. I never felt like my parents or siblings particularly liked me. My dad, in particular, was often cutting and cruel, when he took any interest in me at all, which was not often. My mom was very critical of everyone, including herself. I’ve just always had this feeling that there is something wrong with me. Like if I could just identify what I’m doing wrong, I could fix it and THEN people would like me. This has translated to a lot of people-pleasing traits and low self esteem.

I’ve actually worked through a lot if this (Knutson figuring that out was big for me), but knowing why I’m this way and changing it are two different things. I’m less if a people pleaser than I used to be, but mostly by trying to avoid places and positions where that really comes out. I still really struggle with self esteem. I still often have this nagging feeling like I need to fix something in order to be accepted or loved.

My goal is to feel confident in my own value as a person, and to be less bothered when people don’t like me (or don’t seem to). Has anyone successfully turned this around in adulthood? What helped, that I could do (please do t say something like “I found a spouse who loves and adores me and reassured me” because that’s not realistic or within my control). Thanks!

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind if you keep changing yourself for people they might enjoy you but they won’t respect you.

[Anonymous]

How do you know when someone doesn’t like you? Do they say something to you or do you feel it?

[Anonymous]

Getting older helped.

[Anonymous]

Self-awareness is a great first start to healing this part of yourself. That, along with therapy and EMDR, helped me deal with painful memories that led to my thoughts of unworthiness. It sounds basic, but it also helped me to recognize I had preferences, take stock of them, and share them with others as necessary vs going with the flow all the time. Ultimately I had to learn to prioritize myself which helped me see how much a disservice I was doing to myself by putting others' first. Being vulnerable about this and talking to family and friends you trust may help you on this journey but it always starts within. Sounds like you're on your way.l

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you know when someone doesn’t like you? Do they say something to you or do you feel it?

This is a good question. I think when I was younger I just assumed no one liked me unless they were very overt about liking me. As I've gotten older I've realized that the vast majority of people don't really care one way or another, and aren't really focused on me or thinking about me. That's been a helpful realizations and saves me a lot of grief.

So now it's more a specific kind of person who triggers these feelings of needing them to like me or just low confidence generally. Basically, people like my family -- highly judgmental, impatient, unimpressed. It's not even that I *know* they dislike me (they, too, may not be thinking about me). It's that I feel disliked because of their tone and behavior, and since it reminds me of my this feeling I've had my whole life that I'm not good enough, it really bothers me and can trigger these very down feelings and low self-esteem.

It's not that I'm trying to get people to like me. It's that I'm trying to figure out how to care less about whether they do. And especially people who are just very judgmental, I wish I had more skills for handling them so that I wouldn't be as effected by their behavior. When I encounter someone who seems very disapproving of me (even if that is just their general demeanor and they are like that with lots of people) it feels awful and can cause me to spend days or weeks worrying about it and feeling bad about myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Self-awareness is a great first start to healing this part of yourself. That, along with therapy and EMDR, helped me deal with painful memories that led to my thoughts of unworthiness. It sounds basic, but it also helped me to recognize I had preferences, take stock of them, and share them with others as necessary vs going with the flow all the time. Ultimately I had to learn to prioritize myself which helped me see how much a disservice I was doing to myself by putting others' first. Being vulnerable about this and talking to family and friends you trust may help you on this journey but it always starts within. Sounds like you're on your way.l

Thank you for this. Therapy has definitely helped me get this far, though I don't have a therapist at the moment (working on it). Can you tell me more about EMDR? Did you work with a therapist or do this on your own, and how do you practice it? I've see it recommended elsewhere and know what it is, but don't really know what the process is. I am looking into therapists that might use it, but it's been tough finding a therapist right now anyway (needs to be covered by insurance and I don't want to go the app route again because I think I need something more traditional now), so I don't want to limit myself too much.

Thanks for your kind words.

[Anonymous]

As PP said, getting older helped.

The other thing that helped was realizing that just as you are wired to want to be "liked", there are people wired to attract people-pleasers. These are often the difficult or outright toxic relationships that people pleasers find themselves in. If you have people in your life who keep moving the goal posts for their approval, and you keep trying to meet those metrics, it's less of a "you" problem and more of a perfect-storm type dynamic where both sets of pathologies feed each other.

Learning to spot that these people were bad for me (not bad people necessarily) was important for me. I learned that these types of friendships, relationships, or acquaintances were less likely to end well, and I had to align myself with people who modeled better boundaries. When I was around people like that, I was a better version of myself. Hope that helps.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have these exact same problems.

Things that have helped me:
- journaling. Letting myself write freely about all the things that come up, my own self judgment as the things come up
- therapy
- talking it out with someone who I trust
- noticing the places in life where I bash myself internally and working out those conversations. Big revelation for me was that I have a hard time trusting myself so the relationship to caring and feeling confident with self begins first with my own worth.
- noticing my preferences and noting them. These are my boundaries
- tons of boundary work - what are mine? When do they feel crossed, what is holding me back from honoring them

It is a journey, and a flip of the switch for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I have these exact same problems.

Things that have helped me:
- journaling. Letting myself write freely about all the things that come up, my own self judgment as the things come up
- therapy
- talking it out with someone who I trust
- noticing the places in life where I bash myself internally and working out those conversations. Big revelation for me was that I have a hard time trusting myself so the relationship to caring and feeling confident with self begins first with my own worth.
- noticing my preferences and noting them. These are my boundaries
- tons of boundary work - what are mine? When do they feel crossed, what is holding me back from honoring them

It is a journey, and a flip of the switch for me.

Meant to say it is *not a flip of a switch

[Anonymous]

I also have low self esteem and am very upset anytime someone is disrespectful towards me or is judging me. I am planning to seek therapy but for now the only thing that has worked is to literally cut off my train of thought whenever I think, "oh she's judging me" or "he looks down on me." I simply order my brain to stop thinking that and to focus on my own life, for example on how I can improve my career or be a better mother/wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As PP said, getting older helped.

The other thing that helped was realizing that just as you are wired to want to be "liked", there are people wired to attract people-pleasers. These are often the difficult or outright toxic relationships that people pleasers find themselves in. If you have people in your life who keep moving the goal posts for their approval, and you keep trying to meet those metrics, it's less of a "you" problem and more of a perfect-storm type dynamic where both sets of pathologies feed each other.

Learning to spot that these people were bad for me (not bad people necessarily) was important for me. I learned that these types of friendships, relationships, or acquaintances were less likely to end well, and I had to align myself with people who modeled better boundaries. When I was around people like that, I was a better version of myself. Hope that helps.

OP here and YES, this was a huge revelation for me a while back and led me to actually leave a job and an entire friend group where I realized this dynamic was in play and I was not going to be able to alter it. I had basically recreated my family of origin in my adult life and was reliving my childhood/adolescence and all the self-loathing and depression that went with it. That's when I realized that these feelings were caused by the lack of an accepting or loving family as a child.

Obviously I'm still struggling, but a whole lot of yes to everything you said here. Figuring this out has helped me be much more discerning in my friendships and avoid people how are going to create this kind of dynamic with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Self-awareness is a great first start to healing this part of yourself. That, along with therapy and EMDR, helped me deal with painful memories that led to my thoughts of unworthiness. It sounds basic, but it also helped me to recognize I had preferences, take stock of them, and share them with others as necessary vs going with the flow all the time. Ultimately I had to learn to prioritize myself which helped me see how much a disservice I was doing to myself by putting others' first. Being vulnerable about this and talking to family and friends you trust may help you on this journey but it always starts within. Sounds like you're on your way.l

Thank you for this. Therapy has definitely helped me get this far, though I don't have a therapist at the moment (working on it). Can you tell me more about EMDR? Did you work with a therapist or do this on your own, and how do you practice it? I've see it recommended elsewhere and know what it is, but don't really know what the process is. I am looking into therapists that might use it, but it's been tough finding a therapist right now anyway (needs to be covered by insurance and I don't want to go the app route again because I think I need something more traditional now), so I don't want to limit myself too much.

Thanks for your kind words.

You're welcome. We're all trying to figure it out... I worked with a therapist I found on psychology today. You can search for a provider by insurance, areas of expertise, therapeutic approach, and techniques, including EMDR. EMDR pairs rhythmic left-right physical stimulation with the recollection of painful memories. In my case, it was electric paddles I held in each hand that gave a slight buzz on each side. (There are also techniques to try at home but it should be done under professional supervision.) With eyes closed holding the paddles, I recalled those moments and my therapist asked questions to guide me through them. It was more than one memory, more than one session, but I always felt better after. That, along with my regular sessions has really helped me process so many painful things from childhood I'd never accessed before, and this is after going to regular therapy talking about the same issues off and on for over 20 years! The fact you see a problem and want to do the work is HUGE, please give yourself credit for that. And when you're in situations with people who make you feel inadequate try to remember it's your past talking to you, not the reality of the situation. Staying present will be a huge help and you have to be deliberate about it. If you don't already, try journaling. Write all your thoughts down, the good, the bad and the ugly. Hope it helps!

[Anonymous]

1. Stop caring about what strangers think about you. Their opinion means nothing UNLESS you give it value. That's on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Stop caring about what strangers think about you. Their opinion means nothing UNLESS you give it value. That's on you.

Why even bother to type this out? People are so weird sometimes.