What would you do, distant relative edition

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't owe him an accommodation or explanation.

Block him on your mom's email and phone, so he does not bother her.

If he shows up, ask him to leave - do not explain why, do not try to be polite. Do not invite him in, do not serve him coffee.

If he does not leave, call police and ask them to escort a tresspasser from your property.

[Anonymous]

New poster. All the above, about how to be firm and not let him into your house or respond as if anyone can put him up.

Plus, OP -- please reassure your mom, who sounds very stressed by this relative and by the move, that you will handle this.

If somehow he manages to get in touch with her, she also needs to be primed by you in advance with a script to use if he calls or e-mails her! You can't be sure that he won't somehow figure out where she is or at least the name of her new senior living community (he could turn up at her old place and ask the neighbors, for instance). WRITE DOWN a response for her to use and keep it short and firm--"I cannot have any guests at my new place, now or in the future. You made travel arrangements without consulting with me and my daughter or we would have made this clear. My daughter will e-mail you a list of hotels in the area."

You don't want to scare your mom with the idea he could turn up or call, but at the same time, you don't want your mom to have to improvise if he should turn up.

She needs to know not to invite him in, as one PP notes, even for a cup of coffee. This likley will be against all her people-pleasing instincts and her socialization too--women are still socialized to be "polite." You need to tell her it's OK if she does not answer her door, does not pick up a phone call or does not reply to an email or text if she gets any. Older people can sometimes feel they MUST respond to contact, must open a door, must answer a phone. She needs assurance it's fine not to -- and when she says "But what if it's someone else?" tell her that "someone else" will leave a message and she can get back to them.

Please update us. What a stressful situation for both you and your mom. Anyone who makes travel plans without being invited to visit is truly without boundaries or sense. HE might even have cognitive issues, which would be sad, but you still have to protect your mom and yourself from his staying with either of you.

One other thing -- I'd tell the administrator and front desk person at mom's new facility not to admit this person there. I would alert them to the idea that he might try to find the place, and might never turn up, but you want them to know he is not welcome. Tell them if he claims to be an invited guest, he is not, and they should call you immediately if he shows up now or in the future.

[Anonymous]

It’s elder abuse to manipulate a senior citizen like this. Block him from your mothers phone and yes put his name as a red flag with the care facility.

I would call him and scare the crap out f him. I’d tell him there is no way in hell he would be staying at my house. I’d tell him to stop trying to force himself on my mother. She sad no and no means no. If you tries again, you’ll report him for attempted elder abuse.

Con men go for weak people pleasers who don’t want to seem impolite. Be a raging b…and he will slink away fast.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure he’s actually a relative?? He sounds more like a con man.

[Anonymous]

WTF, you’ve only met him twice! Take this off your elderly mom’s plate, answer the texts/phone calls, and tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome to stay with either you or your mother.

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in almost the exact same situation. I did use my anger to call the guy and tell him, and his kids (who were not taking responsibility for their parent), that he was not welcome at my mom’s and to find other accommodations. Also had my husband do some of the talking as he’s a lot more assertive than I am.

Good luck. This is stressful but look at it as standing up for your mom.

[Anonymous]

I would tell him never to contact either of you again or else you will call the police and get a restraining order. Then block and ignore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell him never to contact either of you again or else you will call the police and get a restraining order. Then block and ignore.

That is kind of extreme, but possibly the only definitive action.
I'm sorry you and your mother are going thru this OP.

Come back and let us know what happens.

[Anonymous]

Oh my god, even I feel stressed and angry just reading about this jerk. OP, if you are rude to him, what’s the worst that can happen? He says something nasty to you and then severs ties? That’s a big win! A PP said it right: he is abusive. And he doesn’t care about your mother or about you, he wants to use you both, and he needs to be give a very clear message that he is not welcome now or ever. Your mother asked you to take care of it, and you need to do so for her sake.

“Larlo, as you’ve heard, Mom is moving and she told you it’s not a good time for you to visit her. I understand you decided to come anyway, and I hope you enjoy your trip. But she’s not going to be able to see you, and she asked me to let you know. She has your contact info and will be in touch down the road, after she’s settled in a few months. Take care.” If he asks for her contact info, don’t give it to him. In fact, you can say that she’s asked you not to share it. That may help him get the point that she’s not interested in him. And I like PP’s suggestion about warning the facility administrators that he should not be allowed in and they should call you if he ever shows up. If he shows up at your door, don’t let him in, tell him it’s not a good time, and wish him a good trip. (There’s always a hotel available, so there’s no sob story he can con you with.)

Be direct, be blunt, and do this for your mom.

[Anonymous]

8:09 again. I meant to delete the part where your mom says she’ll be in touch in a few months. Say she has his contact info and then end the sentence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he’s actually a relative?? He sounds more like a con man.

DP. Wow, this is an excellent point, above. He might not even be a real relative. But even if he is -- he's behaving like a con man and bloodsucking mooch.

OP, you have your hands full right now and need to focus on mom and this situation, but when things are resolved please come back and update us. I'm actually worried for you and your mom, not so much physically as financially and mentally. I won't be surprised to hear that maybe he will demand money to go away and not return. Don't pay a cent, if he does that; involve the cops.

Thinking of you and your mom, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he’s actually a relative?? He sounds more like a con man.

DP. Wow, this is an excellent point, above. He might not even be a real relative. But even if he is -- he's behaving like a con man and bloodsucking mooch.

OP, you have your hands full right now and need to focus on mom and this situation, but when things are resolved please come back and update us. I'm actually worried for you and your mom, not so much physically as financially and mentally. I won't be surprised to hear that maybe he will demand money to go away and not return. Don't pay a cent, if he does that; involve the cops.

Thinking of you and your mom, OP.

This is OP. The very first time a few years ago that he was mentioned that was my first thought. Con man of the umpteenth degree. But my mom did grow up with him, lost touch for many years and he reappeared as what I’d consider to be a user. I followed your suggestions and reached out to him to let him know he wasn’t welcome. He’s going to get a hotel and we’ll try meet him for dinner. Apparently my mom has some things from their parents that she wants him to have. We’ll meet him on our terms. Without him knowing where we live. My mom did have a relationship with him when they were children but they lost touch for many years. And with her being elderly and probably pre-dementia they may be closer or have had more recent contact than she lets on. She was just freaking out due to the stress of the move. It’s a challenge. Thanks for the suggestions!

[Anonymous]

You need to protect your Mother.

As people age, their judgment worsens even though they remain competent - which makes them vulnerable to scammers. And people like your cousin.

He will figure out the addresses. Make sure your Mom has a script so she knows what to do if he comes knocking. Or a note for him with a list of hotels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you sure he’s actually a relative?? He sounds more like a con man.

DP. Wow, this is an excellent point, above. He might not even be a real relative. But even if he is -- he's behaving like a con man and bloodsucking mooch.

OP, you have your hands full right now and need to focus on mom and this situation, but when things are resolved please come back and update us. I'm actually worried for you and your mom, not so much physically as financially and mentally. I won't be surprised to hear that maybe he will demand money to go away and not return. Don't pay a cent, if he does that; involve the cops.

Thinking of you and your mom, OP.

This is OP. The very first time a few years ago that he was mentioned that was my first thought. Con man of the umpteenth degree. But my mom did grow up with him, lost touch for many years and he reappeared as what I’d consider to be a user. I followed your suggestions and reached out to him to let him know he wasn’t welcome. He’s going to get a hotel and we’ll try meet him for dinner. Apparently my mom has some things from their parents that she wants him to have. We’ll meet him on our terms. Without him knowing where we live. My mom did have a relationship with him when they were children but they lost touch for many years. And with her being elderly and probably pre-dementia they may be closer or have had more recent contact than she lets on. She was just freaking out due to the stress of the move. It’s a challenge. Thanks for the suggestions!

I wrote the post to which you're responding, OP. Thank you for coming back to update us. I'm glad to hear you can see him on your terms and especially glad he is amenable to getting a hotel room and didn't push to stay with you! Between the move and the onset of dementia, your mom surely is very stressed even without him in the mix. It's good that she can give him the items she wants him to have, as it might upset her if she can't give them to him (folks with dementia can get quite fixated on "tasks" they feel they have to do, haven't done, forgot to do, etc.). Hoping the visit goes well and he leaves!

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the update, OP. I agree with the PP who said he’ll track down your addresses and your mom should be prepared. You might want to gently prove with her whether they’ve had any financial dealings of any kind, has she “helped” him in any way, etc.