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[quote=Anonymous]
New poster. All the above, about how to be firm and not let him into your house or respond as if anyone can put him up.

Plus, OP -- please reassure your mom, who sounds very stressed by this relative and by the move, that you will handle this.

If somehow he manages to get in touch with her, she also needs to be primed by you in advance with a script to use if he calls or e-mails her! You can't be sure that he won't somehow figure out where she is or at least the name of her new senior living community (he could turn up at her old place and ask the neighbors, for instance). WRITE DOWN a response for her to use and keep it short and firm--"I cannot have any guests at my new place, now or in the future. You made travel arrangements without consulting with me and my daughter or we would have made this clear. My daughter will e-mail you a list of hotels in the area."

You don't want to scare your mom with the idea he could turn up or call, but at the same time, you don't want your mom to have to improvise if he should turn up.

She needs to know not to invite him in, as one PP notes, even for a cup of coffee. This likley will be against all her people-pleasing instincts and her socialization too--women are still socialized to be "polite." You need to tell her it's OK if she does not answer her door, does not pick up a phone call or does not reply to an email or text if she gets any. Older people can sometimes feel they MUST respond to contact, must open a door, must answer a phone. She needs assurance it's fine not to -- and when she says "But what if it's someone else?" tell her that "someone else" will leave a message and she can get back to them.

Please update us. What a stressful situation for both you and your mom. Anyone who makes travel plans without being invited to visit is truly without boundaries or sense. HE might even have cognitive issues, which would be sad, but you still have to protect your mom and yourself from his staying with either of you.

One other thing -- I'd tell the administrator and front desk person at mom's new facility not to admit this person there. I would alert them to the idea that he might try to find the place, and might never turn up, but you want them to know he is not welcome. Tell them if he claims to be an invited guest, he is not, and they should call you immediately if he shows up now or in the future. [/quote]

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