As parents, how should I respond if there are IEP meeti comments that DC is rude and disrespectful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel people commenting above could be a bit more supportive - this is a forum to help each other. On manners, some kids learn faster and some slower, and some kids have an easier time remembering all they learned while in stressful situations (like school) and some can’t do that as well. Do we sometimes forget that in normal years kids would have had two years to drill these skills and get used to schools but with Covid they missed a significant part of that time.

Seriously. This is something we have been working on forever with my middle school aged kid and it’s still a work in progress. Significant anxiety plays a big part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel people commenting above could be a bit more supportive - this is a forum to help each other. On manners, some kids learn faster and some slower, and some kids have an easier time remembering all they learned while in stressful situations (like school) and some can’t do that as well. Do we sometimes forget that in normal years kids would have had two years to drill these skills and get used to schools but with Covid they missed a significant part of that time.

Seriously. This is something we have been working on forever with my middle school aged kid and it’s still a work in progress. Significant anxiety plays a big part.

Then, if you are working on it at home, you throw it back to the school and ask what they are doing to work with your child as that should be part of the IEP. But, this isn't a covid blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel people commenting above could be a bit more supportive - this is a forum to help each other. On manners, some kids learn faster and some slower, and some kids have an easier time remembering all they learned while in stressful situations (like school) and some can’t do that as well. Do we sometimes forget that in normal years kids would have had two years to drill these skills and get used to schools but with Covid they missed a significant part of that time.

Seriously. This is something we have been working on forever with my middle school aged kid and it’s still a work in progress. Significant anxiety plays a big part.

Then, if you are working on it at home, you throw it back to the school and ask what they are doing to work with your child as that should be part of the IEP. But, this isn't a covid blame.

OP didn’t mention covid.

[Anonymous]

Say it is executive function and he needs support with it.

The current world order is to ask not what’s wrong with this kid but what is happening with and to this kid. You can teach and support his manners. But it is a mark of acting out which is a negative coping mechanism for stress and not being able to handle situations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel people commenting above could be a bit more supportive - this is a forum to help each other. On manners, some kids learn faster and some slower, and some kids have an easier time remembering all they learned while in stressful situations (like school) and some can’t do that as well. Do we sometimes forget that in normal years kids would have had two years to drill these skills and get used to schools but with Covid they missed a significant part of that time.

Seriously. This is something we have been working on forever with my middle school aged kid and it’s still a work in progress. Significant anxiety plays a big part.

Then, if you are working on it at home, you throw it back to the school and ask what they are doing to work with your child as that should be part of the IEP. But, this isn't a covid blame.

OP didn’t mention covid.

No, someone else did. Middle school aged kids are a struggle as they are generally really pushing the limits regardless of SN.

[Anonymous]

Did they actually use those words? I switched out of the schools this year but when I was in IEP meetings, telling a parent that their child with ASD was "rude" and "disrespectful" was not something we would have done, and a staff member coming in and saying that would have gotten the stinkeye. It's unnecessarily judgmental and confrontational and it's equally unproductive because it is well-known that social difficulties that may come off as "rude" or "disrespectful" are part and parcel of ASD and just telling the kid that does nothing to help them know what they did that came off that way, or learn a different behavior. Calling them "rude" implies that if you just tell them off, they'll fix it, and that's not what happens. If I heard that in a meeting I would question the colleague's experience. Is it stemming from rigidity? Inability to read non-verbal cues or alter the register of a message depending on the listener? "Rude" is a useless word.

I might let it go this time but push back next time if they start saying things like that again. It's unhelpful at the minimum. I'm sorry you felt like they were attacking your child; I think anyone would have felt that way, which is why they should have phrased it more thoughtfully and constructively.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Say it is executive function and he needs support with it.

The current world order is to ask not what’s wrong with this kid but what is happening with and to this kid. You can teach and support his manners. But it is a mark of acting out which is a negative coping mechanism for stress and not being able to handle situations.

[Anonymous]

They’re telling you your kid needs help, so do your part and help them

[Anonymous]

This is an expected challenge with kids with ASD. Your kid is not picking it up easily or naturally. Please don’t take these comments from the IEP team as a personal criticism. Follow up with them asking for behavioral supports. Work with your behavioral team on a plan for improving social interaction. Set reasonable goals.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the replies. OP, at that age, I don't think it is very useful to discuss what other people have said with your child. I think most five-year-olds lack awareness and those with developmental delays often especially do, so it just won't help.

The comments, though, are helpful in that they may give you new goals or help you prioritize. Maybe you need more practice with manners, maybe role playing, and so on. I also think-and this is easier said than done-that you have to take a step back and think about how to work on increasing awareness. Little conversations *in the moment* about other people's feelings can help with that. In my opinion, that is a more effective approach than discussing what the team says.

[Anonymous]

The earlier you start building these social skills, the better it will be for her in the long run. I don't disagree with your husband that you do need to have some set expectations and consistency with her. I'm not saying to pull out punish her for not using them but she shouldn't get a cookie if she doesn't say please and thank you for it.

[Anonymous]

OP it's so good that you are open to suggestions and want to make this better. I agree with the people who say they did you a favor. Punishment does not work as well as positive reinforcement in shaping behavior. I would see if the school is willing to work on a simple home-school behavior plan to target 1 or 2 "manners behaviors" segment by segment (e.g. morning meeting, class, music, recess, lunch). Just something where maybe a smile face, T for trying or B (for better next time).

Let your child know good things that were said. Then see if your child knows what they said needs to be worked on. If not, I would be direct. "We need to work on improving manners." get input from your child. Also come up with rewards for behavior program. Start easy...3 smiles in a day, gets s sticker each day this week. then if achieved the bar goes higher next week. You could have a plan at home too. You could also have your child earning tokens that go toward purchases ranging from a sticker to a much wanted, reasonably priced item that costs a lot of tokens.

Partner with the school. Thank them for feedback. Honestly we had to target this all early and still I ask about manners at conferences. I always hear polite. I ask after playdates/hangouts too. I have had some kids come to our house display some terrible manners. I was very forgiving at first and I don't tell parents because they don't ask.Over time now that my kid's social skills have improved I am much more willing to host the kids who know to be respectful because we have a choice. Target it now so it doesn't cause problems later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they actually use those words? I switched out of the schools this year but when I was in IEP meetings, telling a parent that their child with ASD was "rude" and "disrespectful" was not something we would have done, and a staff member coming in and saying that would have gotten the stinkeye. It's unnecessarily judgmental and confrontational and it's equally unproductive because it is well-known that social difficulties that may come off as "rude" or "disrespectful" are part and parcel of ASD and just telling the kid that does nothing to help them know what they did that came off that way, or learn a different behavior. Calling them "rude" implies that if you just tell them off, they'll fix it, and that's not what happens. If I heard that in a meeting I would question the colleague's experience. Is it stemming from rigidity? Inability to read non-verbal cues or alter the register of a message depending on the listener? "Rude" is a useless word.

I might let it go this time but push back next time if they start saying things like that again. It's unhelpful at the minimum. I'm sorry you felt like they were attacking your child; I think anyone would have felt that way, which is why they should have phrased it more thoughtfully and constructively.

I completely disagree with you here. As parents of kids with special needs, we need people to be honest with us and not try to spare our feelings. Additionally these terms are not judgmental. They are descriptive and are a good springboard for IEP goals. Most of us are not snowflakes and we can handle the truth and we want the truth. We want to know so that we can work on those skills that are going to make them successful in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did they actually use those words? I switched out of the schools this year but when I was in IEP meetings, telling a parent that their child with ASD was "rude" and "disrespectful" was not something we would have done, and a staff member coming in and saying that would have gotten the stinkeye. It's unnecessarily judgmental and confrontational and it's equally unproductive because it is well-known that social difficulties that may come off as "rude" or "disrespectful" are part and parcel of ASD and just telling the kid that does nothing to help them know what they did that came off that way, or learn a different behavior. Calling them "rude" implies that if you just tell them off, they'll fix it, and that's not what happens. If I heard that in a meeting I would question the colleague's experience. Is it stemming from rigidity? Inability to read non-verbal cues or alter the register of a message depending on the listener? "Rude" is a useless word.

I might let it go this time but push back next time if they start saying things like that again. It's unhelpful at the minimum. I'm sorry you felt like they were attacking your child; I think anyone would have felt that way, which is why they should have phrased it more thoughtfully and constructively.

Completely agree this language in inappropriate and I would seriously worry about whoever said this. It's really a "me me me" response to your child's challenges rather than an attitude of helping your child. At that age many kids in my child's class did not say please or thank you and had trouble sharing when I was volunteering. The teacher did not think them rude or disrespectful as far as I could tell. She would just remind them with a smile. I also didn't take any offense. They were 5 and 6!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel people commenting above could be a bit more supportive - this is a forum to help each other. On manners, some kids learn faster and some slower, and some kids have an easier time remembering all they learned while in stressful situations (like school) and some can’t do that as well. Do we sometimes forget that in normal years kids would have had two years to drill these skills and get used to schools but with Covid they missed a significant part of that time.

Seriously. This is something we have been working on forever with my middle school aged kid and it’s still a work in progress. Significant anxiety plays a big part.

Then, if you are working on it at home, you throw it back to the school and ask what they are doing to work with your child as that should be part of the IEP. But, this isn't a covid blame.

OP didn’t mention covid.

Sometimes there are threads on the SN forum that attract posters reading "recent threads" and they don't know what they are talking about.