As parents, how should I respond if there are IEP meeti comments that DC is rude and disrespectful?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe say "we are working on it"?

We got comments like that a lot with my DS. Because we were in regular communication wtih the school, they knew that this was an area we were working on. No one expects changes to happen overnight, but they do want to see that you’re taking feedback seriously and doing something about it.

[Anonymous]

You make a list of things you can work on at home. It's a team effort. Then really work on those things.

It's easy to be so worn out and tired from managing and raising your kid that you let little things slip, because it's not worth the fight to get to a respectful tone, or using please and thank you. However, it is worth it. Every single time to calmly request that she speak to other people, including her parents, respectfully with manners. Explain to her over and over that people will listen and respond better when she asks for things appropriately, rather than demanding (just an example).

[Anonymous]

If this is a need that they expressed, they should have an IEP goal and a plan to help with it. I would also look for a social skills group for her. Act out manners with stuffed animals. Practice and point out when people on TV say please and thank you. She just needs to learn.

The language used by the school was not appropriate. They should say that the child does not say please or thank you, or whatever objective behavior it is. The words they used were subjective, and when I see that in an IEP, I make them change it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they actually use those words? I switched out of the schools this year but when I was in IEP meetings, telling a parent that their child with ASD was "rude" and "disrespectful" was not something we would have done, and a staff member coming in and saying that would have gotten the stinkeye. It's unnecessarily judgmental and confrontational and it's equally unproductive because it is well-known that social difficulties that may come off as "rude" or "disrespectful" are part and parcel of ASD and just telling the kid that does nothing to help them know what they did that came off that way, or learn a different behavior. Calling them "rude" implies that if you just tell them off, they'll fix it, and that's not what happens. If I heard that in a meeting I would question the colleague's experience. Is it stemming from rigidity? Inability to read non-verbal cues or alter the register of a message depending on the listener? "Rude" is a useless word.

I might let it go this time but push back next time if they start saying things like that again. It's unhelpful at the minimum. I'm sorry you felt like they were attacking your child; I think anyone would have felt that way, which is why they should have phrased it more thoughtfully and constructively.

I completely disagree with you here. As parents of kids with special needs, we need people to be honest with us and not try to spare our feelings. Additionally these terms are not judgmental. They are descriptive and are a good springboard for IEP goals. Most of us are not snowflakes and we can handle the truth and we want the truth. We want to know so that we can work on those skills that are going to make them successful in their lives.

But I don't think "rude" is that descriptive; for a layperson, yes, but not for an IEP team of special ed experts who are supposed to understand ASD and be able to pinpoint the skills the child is not doing that make them appear rude. You can and should tell parents the behaviors their child is displaying or not displaying, which developmental expectations they aren't meeting, and how this will make their child appear and affect their interactions, but "rude" and "disrespectful" is not professional terminology, IMO. For a layperson, I would expect to hear that, but from a special ed expert who should be able to drill down to the specific deficits more, it comes off as lazy and "Your 5-year-old was meeean to meeeee waaahh."

[Anonymous]

OP here. We are still working on those areas, and I know that her disability sometimes makes her snap and she does not even know what she is doing even she is considered high functioning. I think I was a bit caught off guard because I thought it is common to be aware that some asd kid behavior sometimes come off seem to be mean, rude or disrespectful but that is also the reason why they are labeled as asd. I think teachers/IEP teachers were a bit frustrated with her behaviors and progress, and e.g. she raised up her voice or talked at appropriate time, challenge their limits etc.

She does not like IEP services, so she sometimes is not cooperative and whiny. She is also a smart/academic high achiever and perfectionist, and she thinks she does not need services at all.....We have been modeling her manner, smile, saying thank you/please/sorry/excuse me, greeting like hi/bye/good morning/thank you for playing with me.......well I think it may need a few years to get those ideas sticking in her brain to learn.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to give support because these meetings can be really emotional and hurtful. I don't think I ever left not wanting to cry. It's REALLY hard to hear negative things about your kid, no matter how they're delivered. My only advice is don't rationalize behaviors. I often did, just to cope. It's better to deal with the feedback.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did they actually use those words? I switched out of the schools this year but when I was in IEP meetings, telling a parent that their child with ASD was "rude" and "disrespectful" was not something we would have done, and a staff member coming in and saying that would have gotten the stinkeye. It's unnecessarily judgmental and confrontational and it's equally unproductive because it is well-known that social difficulties that may come off as "rude" or "disrespectful" are part and parcel of ASD and just telling the kid that does nothing to help them know what they did that came off that way, or learn a different behavior. Calling them "rude" implies that if you just tell them off, they'll fix it, and that's not what happens. If I heard that in a meeting I would question the colleague's experience. Is it stemming from rigidity? Inability to read non-verbal cues or alter the register of a message depending on the listener? "Rude" is a useless word.

I might let it go this time but push back next time if they start saying things like that again. It's unhelpful at the minimum. I'm sorry you felt like they were attacking your child; I think anyone would have felt that way, which is why they should have phrased it more thoughtfully and constructively.

I completely disagree with you here. As parents of kids with special needs, we need people to be honest with us and not try to spare our feelings. Additionally these terms are not judgmental. They are descriptive and are a good springboard for IEP goals. Most of us are not snowflakes and we can handle the truth and we want the truth. We want to know so that we can work on those skills that are going to make them successful in their lives.

But I don't think "rude" is that descriptive; for a layperson, yes, but not for an IEP team of special ed experts who are supposed to understand ASD and be able to pinpoint the skills the child is not doing that make them appear rude. You can and should tell parents the behaviors their child is displaying or not displaying, which developmental expectations they aren't meeting, and how this will make their child appear and affect their interactions, but "rude" and "disrespectful" is not professional terminology, IMO. For a layperson, I would expect to hear that, but from a special ed expert who should be able to drill down to the specific deficits more, it comes off as lazy and "Your 5-year-old was meeean to meeeee waaahh."

The team was talking to a layperson. And I would expect the team to have provided examples and have further discussions to be sure OP understood what the specific examples led to this umbrella term. But OP did not recount the entire conversation, so we don’t know what else was said. Are there other words that could have been used? Maybe. But i just hate when people sugarcoat things instead of laying it out as it is. If you don’t clearly understand it, you can’t help your child. Your comments strike me this way - as trying to avoid being direct about the hard issues we parents are facing. IME, it leads to less thorough services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw my asd kid was never allowed to act like that

Seriously? None of us are encouraging our kids to "act like that." The reality is that some kids struggle with it more than others, and sometimes you have to pick your battles. It doesn't sound like anyone is encouraging the kid to be respectful or rude - just that they haven't found a solution yet for helping her find ways to improve her behavior. Jeez, I would expect SN parents to be a bit more understanding of the diversity within the ASD diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

She is only 5!? I expected you to say it was a much older kid. Even NT kids can be pretty rude at this age

I think the IEP team sounds like they are struggling and don't know how to cope with it (which, frankly, kind of boggles my mind). If this is an issue, then I would work on having goals built into the IEP to work on social skills with peers and adults. The IEP meeting is not a time when there should be an emphasis on your parenting or what you do at home - this should be about what is needed for your kid to access education at school.

If this is an issue, then probably it is good to work on it at home with outside specialists. Do you see an OT or a therapist or someone else? This might be something for them to work on with her. I don't see how you could possibly be expected to change the way she behaves at school on something as ambiguous as "rude" and "disrespectful". This is something that needs to be developed in the school with a plan and goals and strategies. Ask if they observe when she is doing this? Is it all the time? During transitions? With specific teachers or peers? When she is frustrated?

[Anonymous]

Would a behavior plan that is positively incentivized be in order? My ODD DC really struggled starting in 1st grade. As you said, adults thought that they should have 'grown out of it'. I get it, I wished they would have also, but when you're talking about a developmental issue it just doesn't work that way. I know the meeting sounded super judgmental, and I'm sorry for the pain it caused you and your DH. Adults can take things so personally instead of stepping back and asking themselves why a child is frustrated or abrupt or whatever.

As a couple people have described, the IEP team should be using more educationally and developmentally appropriate descriptors to help. Probe them for areas of social/behaviors areas that they would like to address with both adults and peers. Build that into a behavior plan with expected outcomes or goals. Ask for their assistance building a PBIS model: https://www.pbis.org/. Schools know these types of interventions. If school cannot provide the prize (either daily or weekly), then you can at home. If the school resists, ask them to involve a district behaviorist on the IEP team.

Hang in there!

[Anonymous]

OP - You might consider asking if the school counselor might have the ability to set up a "lunch bunch group" with your DD and a few other students once a week that might have a focus on lunch time social skills. Or as suggested set up a positive approach at home and give DD a goal to work towards. Correct that your DC does not need to know negative specifics from an IEP, but rather have a mix of the positives and some simple things she is working on. Also, it might be that if your daughter can identify when she is starting to feel frustrated or whatever that she might have the option of a flash pass to go to a place for a short break. But she would need to have the maturity to know how to use it correctly so maybe something to keep in mind for the future. Again, she is only 5 so just start from where she is and move forward.