As parents, how should I respond if there are IEP meeti comments that DC is rude and disrespectful?

[Anonymous]

Frankly speaking, I don't know what to say, other than hearing them talking about it at IEP meeting. I feel bitter, and I do agree what they say are true. As DC gets older, I think school have more expectation even though DC is still considered young at 5. DC has asd and adhd, and she sometimes talks rudely and does not have manners., eg does not say thank you, no sharing, rigid, has more intense relationship with peers....

When DC was a bit younger, probably those nehaviors are not considered a big deal. How should I address those things with DC at home after I hear all these, can I just directly talk to DC say that who and who said you did that or you said that, and what you did that back then was not Right? Or should I do not call out names, but say that I hear of this and that or make a case scenrios that How one should act this or that under those situation? I definitely can feel a lot of frustration from them at the meeting, and I still want to stay positive thinking that they are just talking about observations, not preally something personal.

After meeting, DH says that DC is spoiled with no manner, and blah blah blah.... and we should work on parenting or taking away things from her if she does not do things appropriately.....what do you normally do after IEP meeting after all these? Parenting 101 team plan reorganization or take things slow?

[Anonymous]

Don't let IEP meetings affect your parenting. Definitely don't tell your 5 year old who made negative comments about them. And decide for yourself if those social niceties are your top priority for what your child needs to learn.

At the IEP meeting, you should feel empowered to call out disrespectful comments about your child. Of course your child has things to learn, but that's no excuse for poor behavior by the adults in the room. And when creating goals, again decide if learning to use those social niceties is a top priority.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw my asd kid was never allowed to act like that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't let IEP meetings affect your parenting. Definitely don't tell your 5 year old who made negative comments about them. And decide for yourself if those social niceties are your top priority for what your child needs to learn.

At the IEP meeting, you should feel empowered to call out disrespectful comments about your child. Of course your child has things to learn, but that's no excuse for poor behavior by the adults in the room. And when creating goals, again decide if learning to use those social niceties is a top priority.

It doesn’t sound like OP was saying that the team is rude and disrespectful. Rather they are addressing the fact (a fact that OP confirms) that OPs child is rude and disrespectful. It’s ok for the. To be honest about the behavior. How else will it get addressed if you don’t admit it exists.

OP, it’s hard to hear the things that aren’t going well. If you can address them at home, then you should. It will be better for her if everyone is on the same page.

[Anonymous]

We just say "We heard at your IEP meeting that you're working really hard at understanding directions, but still need to work on manners and waiting your turn patiently. Do you remember what to say when you want something? And what to say when someone helps or gives you something? Great, so we expect you to do those things going forward."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fwiw my asd kid was never allowed to act like that

Or perhaps that wasn’t one of the big struggles your ASD kid had. No sanctimony needed here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly speaking, I don't know what to say, other than hearing them talking about it at IEP meeting. I feel bitter, and I do agree what they say are true. As DC gets older, I think school have more expectation even though DC is still considered young at 5. DC has asd and adhd, and she sometimes talks rudely and does not have manners., eg does not say thank you, no sharing, rigid, has more intense relationship with peers....

When DC was a bit younger, probably those nehaviors are not considered a big deal. How should I address those things with DC at home after I hear all these, can I just directly talk to DC say that who and who said you did that or you said that, and what you did that back then was not Right? Or should I do not call out names, but say that I hear of this and that or make a case scenrios that How one should act this or that under those situation? I definitely can feel a lot of frustration from them at the meeting, and I still want to stay positive thinking that they are just talking about observations, not preally something personal.

After meeting, DH says that DC is spoiled with no manner, and blah blah blah.... and we should work on parenting or taking away things from her if she does not do things appropriately.....what do you normally do after IEP meeting after all these? Parenting 101 team plan reorganization or take things slow?

Manners are a skill that kids, especially those with ASD, learn like math. You don't punish her because she can't do multiplication yet right? Teach her like you would any other skill and she will be fine. I would not even address what was said at the IEP meeting. I would just model, remind and use some social stories to show her appropriate behavior.

My friend's husband who I guess has ASD comes off as rude sometimes but he is a good guy and really doesn't mean it. I think social skills are just something that are difficult for him. He's a HYP grad and is very successful in her career FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frankly speaking, I don't know what to say, other than hearing them talking about it at IEP meeting. I feel bitter, and I do agree what they say are true. As DC gets older, I think school have more expectation even though DC is still considered young at 5. DC has asd and adhd, and she sometimes talks rudely and does not have manners., eg does not say thank you, no sharing, rigid, has more intense relationship with peers....

When DC was a bit younger, probably those nehaviors are not considered a big deal. How should I address those things with DC at home after I hear all these, can I just directly talk to DC say that who and who said you did that or you said that, and what you did that back then was not Right? Or should I do not call out names, but say that I hear of this and that or make a case scenrios that How one should act this or that under those situation? I definitely can feel a lot of frustration from them at the meeting, and I still want to stay positive thinking that they are just talking about observations, not preally something personal.

After meeting, DH says that DC is spoiled with no manner, and blah blah blah.... and we should work on parenting or taking away things from her if she does not do things appropriately.....what do you normally do after IEP meeting after all these? Parenting 101 team plan reorganization or take things slow?

OP you'll find kids have these issues well into high school and beyond. Your child is extremely young. I don't think half of my child's friends consistently said please and thank you at that age. Your IEP team is overreacting

[Anonymous]

You need to teach your kid manners. People with autism tend to be blunt and not pick up on a lot of social cues. Even neuro typical kids can be this way. Just model polite behavior.

I am a teacher, I have ASD kids in my class. Most are polite because their families and teachers modeled it.

[Anonymous]

You should be teaching your kids manners from the time they’re born regardless of disabilities. Stop blaming her disability for your bad parenting

[Anonymous]

I feel people commenting above could be a bit more supportive - this is a forum to help each other. On manners, some kids learn faster and some slower, and some kids have an easier time remembering all they learned while in stressful situations (like school) and some can’t do that as well. Do we sometimes forget that in normal years kids would have had two years to drill these skills and get used to schools but with Covid they missed a significant part of that time.

[Anonymous]

Maybe say "we are working on it"?

[Anonymous]

I would have asked them what they are doing to work on it but regardless of SN we have always worked on those things and always will. You need to be very consistent at home with manners and no free passes (except when they are sick).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel people commenting above could be a bit more supportive - this is a forum to help each other. On manners, some kids learn faster and some slower, and some kids have an easier time remembering all they learned while in stressful situations (like school) and some can’t do that as well. Do we sometimes forget that in normal years kids would have had two years to drill these skills and get used to schools but with Covid they missed a significant part of that time.

Covid has nothing to do with manners and manners start at home. For some kids, it is much harder than others but consistency is really important. Most kids have been in school all year with only a select few remaining virtual. At some point its time to stop blaming covid. I'd want to know if my child was rude. I'd ask them to regularly let me know how my child was doing vs. wait for the IEP and work on it at home. This is something that starts at home.

[Anonymous]

The IEP team is doing you a favor by telling you now, in blunt terms. I know you were mortified and felt personally targeted, but please look to the long-term: it's best you start working on it now than years down the road, when her habits have solidified.

It's going to be OK. IEP teams have seen it all, way worse than your child, I promise! Don't be ashamed or angry, and please don't feel guilty!!! Just take it day by day, and your child will make progress.