Supporting friend through separation/divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This.

Do couples friends all dump you once you divorce and are single parenting? I guess there goes the beach and ski house share trips….

Yes, most do. It was the worst part of divorce, for me. That blindsided me.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I limit myself to listening for no more than one hour per week. Until someone needs something specific, all they want is to vent and complain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

YES. Small things like offering to grab something on a Costco run are so welcome, as are offering to run more than your "fair share" of carpooling runs or whatever.

When my kids were still young, I definitely tried to keep up my share of the "favor swaps" but I know that I was running 65/35 at best. As my kids got older and one could stay home alone, I was able to pick back up my fair share of carpooling or soccer games but I haven't forgotten how people just sort of effortlessly swept my kids into their routines.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This is good advice. I separated after a 20 year marriage last summer. Call or text weekly just to say hi and ask to do normal stuff like going for a walk or whatever you would have done before, she may or may not want to talk about it. Don’t offer unsolicited advice, just be a friend. Offer to host an upcoming holiday you might have celebrated together before COVID.

[Anonymous]

Some couple friends dropped us like a hot potato. Don’t do that.

[Anonymous]

Op--what you described is like my neighbor. The divorce (few know) is because of her affairs. She also risked safety of kids/family while having them which is why the dad is fighting for kids and house.

[Anonymous]

I am the divorcing friend! Well, a friend about to get divorced and the OP basically described my situation perfectly. I’m a little freaked out!

Anyway…..what MY friend did when she found out was tell me she would not dump me, and that I had all of her support and love.

That was all I could have ever, ever expected and I’ve felt like I can make it now that I know at least one of “our” friends supports me.

Thank you! I’m not crying you’re crying.

[Anonymous]

Check out Womens resource center in DC and Vienna.
The have affordable 101 classes. Aka “Divorce Basics.”

Also DivorceCare.org now has an online divorce recovery program. It’s is universal. It’s volunteer based and the content is quite good. I wish I would have taken the course earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This.

Do couples friends all dump you once you divorce and are single parenting? I guess there goes the beach and ski house share trips….

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This.

Do couples friends all dump you once you divorce and are single parenting? I guess there goes the beach and ski house share trips….

Yes, most do. It was the worst part of divorce, for me. That blindsided me.

Same. Friends I'd had for 25 years, since high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would back off unless she asks for something specific.

All dads want 50/50 custody even if they did not lift a finger before. All of them. Even if you worked FT and did all the work.

My exH did not lift one finger until I said we were getting a divorce. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting two kids. 0.

She should know this is common. And in VA, it is near impossible to fight 50/50 if one parent wants it.

And all dads SHOULD HAVE 50/50. This isn't negotiable. Whatever you perceive they did or did not do previously is not relevant.

Of course that should be negotiable. If the dads are uninvolved, unloving, uncaring, irresponsible, unreliable, unsafe….why should they get 50% when the other parent has been doing 99% of the parenting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This.

Do couples friends all dump you once you divorce and are single parenting? I guess there goes the beach and ski house share trips….

Yes, most do. It was the worst part of divorce, for me. That blindsided me.

Same. Friends I'd had for 25 years, since high school.

Fear of contagion. It hits too close to home. Or they might be worried their husbands might want to be with OP, irrational as that might be. But I have a couple divorced friends and it has not impacted our friendship at all.

OP, I would follow their cues. Just be there for them, as I assume you always have been.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This.

Do couples friends all dump you once you divorce and are single parenting? I guess there goes the beach and ski house share trips….

Yes, most do. It was the worst part of divorce, for me. That blindsided me.

Are children also bullied or ostracized? Especially if you get or k-8 grades?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This.

Do couples friends all dump you once you divorce and are single parenting? I guess there goes the beach and ski house share trips….

Yes, most do. It was the worst part of divorce, for me. That blindsided me.

Are children also bullied or ostracized? Especially if you get or k-8 grades?

No. Divorce isnt that uncommon in my UMC circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This.

Do couples friends all dump you once you divorce and are single parenting? I guess there goes the beach and ski house share trips….

Yes, most do. It was the worst part of divorce, for me. That blindsided me.

Are children also bullied or ostracized? Especially if you get or k-8 grades?

I'm one of the PPs and I did not experience what other PPs are describing, FWIW. One set of "couple friends" kind of faded away, but I think that may have been more about stuff going on with them than about my divorce. Other sets of friends actually really stepped up, made sure to invite me to things, and to invite me AND the kids to all of the same sorts of things we'd been invited to before.

Of course, I'm not really in the beach and ski house demographic, so maybe middle class folks deal with this sort of thing better?