Supporting friend through separation/divorce

[Anonymous]

We have a couple we are friends with, our kids have been friends since they were little and over time we’ve gotten to know them well too. Between the holidays and omicron we hadn’t seen them in a while- just learned this weekend that they have separated and are starting divorce proceedings. I was floored- in hindsight I had sensed tension here or there but I had no idea it was that bad( and had been for a while). I am closer to the wife and we talked and it sounds really messy and contentious already in terms of custody and the house. She was pretty upset and I think taken aback that DH is fighting for custody, she’s always done the bulk of the child rearing (with a FT job).

Anyway, I feel terrible- I made clear that I am here to listen and for whatever else she needs, but for those who have been in this position, what has been helpful?

[Anonymous]

I would back off unless she asks for something specific.

All dads want 50/50 custody even if they did not lift a finger before. All of them. Even if you worked FT and did all the work.

My exH did not lift one finger until I said we were getting a divorce. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting two kids. 0.

She should know this is common. And in VA, it is near impossible to fight 50/50 if one parent wants it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would back off unless she asks for something specific.

All dads want 50/50 custody even if they did not lift a finger before. All of them. Even if you worked FT and did all the work.

My exH did not lift one finger until I said we were getting a divorce. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting two kids. 0.

She should know this is common. And in VA, it is near impossible to fight 50/50 if one parent wants it.

I agree. Mine travelled 80 nights a year for a decade of the kids childhood (and I was a sahp) then wanted 50/50. Nope! He got 30% in a 50/50 state

[Anonymous]

Are they selling the house? Is one of them buying out the other? Are the kids old enough that the custody issue will be a non-issue soon, e.g., kid close to 18, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a couple we are friends with, our kids have been friends since they were little and over time we’ve gotten to know them well too. Between the holidays and omicron we hadn’t seen them in a while- just learned this weekend that they have separated and are starting divorce proceedings. I was floored- in hindsight I had sensed tension here or there but I had no idea it was that bad( and had been for a while). I am closer to the wife and we talked and it sounds really messy and contentious already in terms of custody and the house. She was pretty upset and I think taken aback that DH is fighting for custody, she’s always done the bulk of the child rearing (with a FT job).

Anyway, I feel terrible- I made clear that I am here to listen and for whatever else she needs, but for those who have been in this position, what has been helpful?

Well, why is he fighting for custody if he never did any caretaking or managing of the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a couple we are friends with, our kids have been friends since they were little and over time we’ve gotten to know them well too. Between the holidays and omicron we hadn’t seen them in a while- just learned this weekend that they have separated and are starting divorce proceedings. I was floored- in hindsight I had sensed tension here or there but I had no idea it was that bad( and had been for a while). I am closer to the wife and we talked and it sounds really messy and contentious already in terms of custody and the house. She was pretty upset and I think taken aback that DH is fighting for custody, she’s always done the bulk of the child rearing (with a FT job).

Anyway, I feel terrible- I made clear that I am here to listen and for whatever else she needs, but for those who have been in this position, what has been helpful?

Well, why is he fighting for custody if he never did any caretaking or managing of the kids?

Money and appearances.

[Anonymous]

Puke

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have a couple we are friends with, our kids have been friends since they were little and over time we’ve gotten to know them well too. Between the holidays and omicron we hadn’t seen them in a while- just learned this weekend that they have separated and are starting divorce proceedings. I was floored- in hindsight I had sensed tension here or there but I had no idea it was that bad( and had been for a while). I am closer to the wife and we talked and it sounds really messy and contentious already in terms of custody and the house. She was pretty upset and I think taken aback that DH is fighting for custody, she’s always done the bulk of the child rearing (with a FT job).

Anyway, I feel terrible- I made clear that I am here to listen and for whatever else she needs, but for those who have been in this position, what has been helpful?

Well, why is he fighting for custody if he never did any caretaking or managing of the kids?

Bc they dont want to pay support and the optics.

[Anonymous]

Poor kids. They never come first

[Anonymous]

Position is all about perspective. If you want to stay1 1married, focus on your husband and family.
We had a set of friends who got divorced. I offered to help te mom whenever she needed.
That was fine, I “get” that she might not want to bring her kid to the bank to separate accounts or to te divorce lawyer.
What I didn’t “get” was how she began to use me for free childcare. Things like “I have to work late, if I don’t stay1, I’ll be fired, only to have me go get her kid as she requested and have her demand to know what I was doing with her child.. “um, bringing her home like you asked me to do this morning”. Of course, she asked in a hone call, a very panicked phone call, not a text, so I couldn’t prove it happened. I began to wonder if I might be accused of kidnapping by someone who had a lawyer and who knew how to use the family court system way better then I did.
The first time she made that comment to me, I let it go figuring she’d had a miserable day. The second time, I didn’t. I flat out asked “Where’s (insert kid’s name’s father) and she said “It isn’t his day” to which I responded “Well, it isn’t mine either”.

I think this peron has settled down since then, all I know is that I don’t want to be the support system for an angry person.
Know too that as time goes on, your social life will look different from hers. She’ll probably get a boyfriend and if you say “Bob forget to fill the gas tank like I’d asked him todo”, she’ll probably say “Yeah, my ex did that too” implying you should divorce. Regular comments don’t become funny, she’ll be thinking “trade him in” even if she doesn’t say it, and trust me, you’ll know.

She will have guaranteed time without her kids, and expect you to fall into that schedule. It never seems to work the other way around.

Be careful of anybody who says “fight for custody” it is only a fight if someone wants it to be. The children are her ex’s and he gets to see them. Nobody but the friend and her husband know what went on in that house. Unless he abuses the kids and that takes a lot, he gets the same amount of time she does, and he can do whatever he’d like with his time. It’s possible he is thinking “Now I can do things with my kids I’ve always dreamed of”
Stay away from this friend until things settle down. Remember, she didn’t like you enough to see you over Christmas and during the covid spikes. Your husband did. He is a person too, one who chose to actually see and interact with you, he’s where your energy, time and resources should go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would back off unless she asks for something specific.

All dads want 50/50 custody even if they did not lift a finger before. All of them. Even if you worked FT and did all the work.

My exH did not lift one finger until I said we were getting a divorce. He did 0 for the first 6 years of parenting two kids. 0.

She should know this is common. And in VA, it is near impossible to fight 50/50 if one parent wants it.

And all dads SHOULD HAVE 50/50. This isn't negotiable. Whatever you perceive they did or did not do previously is not relevant.

[Anonymous]

Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

[Anonymous]

Sounds not best for the kids.

I’d keep anyone with his flaws and attitude far away from kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, back to OP…
Just listen if she wants to talk and don’t push if she doesn’t.
Personally, I found it irritating as f for people to ask about dating. It felt like they would be more comfortable if I was a couple then a single mom. Maybe that’s just me though.
I don’t know how close you are but simple things like “hey I’m doing a Costco run, need anything?” Or offering to help out with random days off from school or drop offs/ pick ups. One of my neighbors was really wonderful about that and we ended up becoming better friends.

This.

Do couples friends all dump you once you divorce and are single parenting? I guess there goes the beach and ski house share trips….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Poor kids. They never come first

Dad having 50 percent custody absolutely puts the kids first. Whatever are you talking about?

Any divorcing mom who fights that is not putting the kids first. Is that what you mean? Yeah, only a shrew whore would do something like that.

Folks, here’s a prime example of a non-marriageable, non-father material male who’s divorced and wants 50% custody with his kids for the first time in his life to get back at his “shrew whore.”

His nonsense circular argument is another great example of divorcing such a male. He can’t even answer why it’s best for the kids yet proves he’s a jerk all at once. Hilarious

THANK YOU.