Separate Bedrooms
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Anonymous
| The three couples I know who do it definitely don’t have strong marriages. Don’t know if it’s cause or effect. I’m both cases the wives frequently and openly complain about their husbands and the husbands just sort of take it. I’m a woman and even I feel bad for them. It’s awkward. |
Anonymous
Since this is an anonymous forum, how often are you having sex? I’d have to think sleeping separately could kill intimacy. |
Anonymous
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Every couple I’ve ever known of that slept in separate rooms were happy with the arrangement and most said it was a marriage saver, not detrimental. Chronic sleep disruption or deprivation has a profound effect on brain functioning and mood regulation within just days of lost sleep. All that irritation and anger and passive aggressive BS that so many couples struggle with is often rooted in just being tired all the time. Rarely do two people sleep exactly the same such that they won’t disturb each other’s sleep so many couples are constantly struggling with exhaustion and blaming it on stress or work or kids or whatever, when really they just aren’t getting full nights of restful sleep even long after the kids were sleep trained.
It’s possible to be very intimate and share cuddle time in bed before one or the other slips off to sleep apart. A night or two weekly have a slumber party - his or hers, depending on mood. Have some space that is all yours most of the time, where you can sleep deeply and soundly, and meet your spouse every morning fully rested and ready to ride the challenges of marital discourse and coparenting without frayed nerves and moodiness in the mix. |
Anonymous
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It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
We sleep separate about 40% of the time and together about 60% of the time. This means we get super restorative sleep and the freedom to read late or early in peace without disturbing the other some of the time, and and a healthy amount of intimate time together. |
Anonymous
| If you aren't getting good sleep, sleep separately. Its as simple as that. |
Anonymous
| We sleep apart. He snores very loudly all through the night. He had a sleep study and does not have apnea. For a few years, I tried extremely loud white noise machines and various earplugs. The only earplugs that slightly helped were the ones you squish down, but they ended up significantly hurting my ears after about an hour of use. In any case, I was still waking 6 or more times a night. Finally decided on separate rooms when I was basically a zombie and really in an awful headspace. Separate rooms has been what saved our marriage. |
Anonymous
But isn’t it disruptive to be changing rooms and beds so frequently? |
Anonymous
| Does anyone know when did this trend of co-sleeping started? Any historic percpective? |
Anonymous
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I love having a seperate bedroom. It works for us because we spend a lot of time alone with each other, and we read together in the evening, so our conversation and interaction does not stop. Sleep and comfort is fantastic for our heath and contributes to us being in a good mood.
Now, as far as sex is concerned, I feel most people wonder about that in a marriage with seperate bedrooms. I can only speak for myself - we have a great sex-life and I think it is due to the fact that we are in seperate rooms. When my DH comes at night to my room, it feels exciting (and a bit illicit) like a lover is coming to me. It is a very different feel than being at arms length in the marital bed. Similarly, DH feels very desired when I slip into his bed because it is for the express purpose of having sex. Frankly, it feels like we are having an affair and it spills into our normal daily life. We are in our 50s and we are averaging 3 times a week. The best part is not the frequency of sex, but the quality and variety of the type of sex we are having. My only regret is that I wish we had done it a bit sooner. There was a sexually dead and boring period in our marriage when kids were smaller and we were in the same room. I think there should be two beds for married adults - a bed for wonderful sleep, quite and rest that rejuvenates you, and the marital bed which should be a place of intimacy, pleasure and romance that makes your marriage stronger. |
Anonymous
| My parents (81/77) do now that they are empty nesters. He has sleep apnea, refuses to use a CPAP and is a loud snorer. Meanwhile, my mother is a light sleeper. It wasn't a good combination for restful sleep. As for intimacy, it's my parents. I don't want to know. |
Anonymous
| We sleep in separate bedrooms but our sex life sucks. It sucked before as well but I am not sexually frustrated lying next to an uninterested wife. We'd probably have sex once a month vs once a season if we slept in same bed but that's hardly worth the effort |
Anonymous
| DH is a loud snorer; we’ve had separate bedrooms for years. I don’t love it but it’s the only way I get sleep. |
Anonymous
| Well not getting enough sleep is harmful for your health. If you're still having sex you will find a way for it to continue in seperate bedrooms. |
Anonymous
Pp here. For us it works fine. I’m the DW. I always sleep in the master, but DH still has his nightstand and clothes and toiletries in the master bath - he always gets ready for bed in the master bath and showers/dresses there in the morning. Some nights he just goes to sleep in the guest room if he wants to stay up late and I want to sleep or if I have a very early morning (sometimes I wake up as early as 4). If he finds it annoying he’s never expressed that. I think it’s a good happy medium for us. |
Anonymous
Yes!! |