Wife and I are trying for a baby, but I have concerns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what’s the goal here, OP - to use dance as an excuse to not have a baby, or use the baby as an excuse to force your step daughter to give up dance?

Neither one is the goal. I just don’t want either kid to feel slighted.

How is a baby going to feel slighted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife was previously married and has a teen daughter. We’re trying to have a baby, but I have concerns. Her daughter is a competitive dancer and with her busy dance/travel schedule, I worry what this could mean for our child. Will our child still be able to get the same quality time with mom if she’s always on the move with her daughter? Or will the daughter have to cut back on her dance activities that she loves and that cause tension and resentment towards the baby? I want to make sure both kids have equal quality time with mom, but I don’t see how that will work.

The child will have two parents. You either care for the baby or help do travel/dance with the older child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So what’s the goal here, OP - to use dance as an excuse to not have a baby, or use the baby as an excuse to force your step daughter to give up dance?

Neither one is the goal. I just don’t want either kid to feel slighted.

Then you shouldn’t have any more children. No more fair and equal you try to make things, both children will have moments when they feel slighted because a parent is giving attention to the other child. It is inherent in having multiple children, because for most of their adolescence children are generally pretty self-centered - it’s developmentally normal.

[Anonymous]

OP: parenting a child, including a baby, is more fun when the wife is away for a few days.

[Anonymous]

Has it occurred to you that YOU could provide the baby with care and attention? That YOU could take the older kid to dance practices and competitions? I recall sitting on the living room floor reading a book one weekend while my mom taught my dad how to put my hair in a ballet bun because she got a job that would have her leaving earlier than him. So he did my hair every morning for months. Woman up, OP.

[Anonymous]

Oh lord OP. Honestly, you need to talk with her about this. Frankly, I would stop trying until you are on the same page. Otherwise I'd bet your marriage doesn't survive the arrival of the new child and the next 3 years.

[Anonymous]

Are you jealous of how much time your wife spends on your stepdaughter and her dance schedule? Kind of sounds like you might be.

They will both be her children. Many mothers manage a teenager’s activities plus a baby.

If you expect YOUR baby to always be the #1 priority then yeah, that’s a problem. But both kids will be just fine, if you can get over your jealousy and sense that your child should take priority over your stepdaughter.

[Anonymous]

Well, in defense of OP, this might just be the form that his anxiety is taking, and it's normal to be worried about such a big change. My DH was worried that if we had a baby, his older child from previous marriage would feel "replaced." I was worried about that too, but in the end, gaining a new family member means a lot more than that.

So maybe OP is anxious and focusing on "how is this all going to work?" The way it works is that your family has its priorities and you work together to make sure the kids are getting what they need. And the parents might have to sacrifice. You can do it, don't be scared.

[Anonymous]

Keep it in your pants. You sound very resentful of the dd OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the time your baby cares, the teen will be independent. I have a competitive athlete and a 6 year old and the drive and determination the 6 year old witnesses is only good for her.

Exactly, between the 9 months gestation and the infant year, it will be 2 years before the baby knows night from day and isn’t sleeping most of the day. Then another year before real talking etc takes shapes. In 3 years I presume teen daughter will be off to college and living her own life. For the next 2 years mom and baby are one unit, then baby is portable and sleeping a lot. So the busy schedule and “equal” time won’t be an issue. Unless as others pointed out, you don’t not plan to parent either of these children. While Mom is pregnant you should be prepared to take over dance chauffeur duties if she doesn’t feel up to it and of course stay home with the baby if Mom plans to resume full freight afterwards. Breast feeding will be the major issue if she chooses that the first year and doesn’t pump.

[Anonymous]

I tagged along with my older sister’s dance lessons and competitions and then started myself when I was three. We’re all fine. As long as you’re doing your fair share of parenting duties with both kids, I don’t see a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The time to discuss whether you can be good parents is before you start trying for a baby. Also you talk about your wife like she’s going to be a single for parent— why can’t you take your stepdaughter to the occasional dance event if you’re worried your baby isn’t going to get enough close time with their mother? Now is a great time to think about stepping up your contributions at home.

This. You'll have to step it up at home - caring for the new baby AND taking on some responsibility with your SD.

If you expect your wife to do the bulk of childcare, it won't work.

This thread is just shameful.

OP comes here saying he is concerned about how a blended family will work and half of you rush to tell him he is going to be a lazy, good-for-nothing father. Or that he's trying to use the kids against each other.

OP, I agree with the other posters who said that a teen and baby probably won't have too much jealousy towards each other, provided that the teen is on board before the baby shows up. Might be worth mom having a convo that puts the idea on the table. I'm not saying give the teen a vote or veto, but maybe best not to blindside them with it. Hopefully, she likes you and wants her mom to be happy. I would argue that you probably want to consciously try to make the teen the priority (unless the baby is in some kind of unsafe situation) because she will be much more aware of each insult. Plus, teens generally are moody and looking for reasons to separate from their parents and get out on their own. They're in that crazy head space where everything you do is wrong and they can't stand you, but also that they want to make sure that you keep their room exactly as they left it when they move off to college.

Last, I would take this to the general parenting forum. So many posters here are bitter divorcees and ready to pounce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you concerned about the baby getting enough time with mom, or are you concerned on the impacts it will have on you, such as having to do more at home or caring for your child solo while mom is out of town? Big difference.

ding ding ding

Winner winner chicken dinner!

I’m concerned that you don’t sound like a great dad, OP.

[Anonymous]

If you don't want to have a baby, you can just say that because the concern that you have really is a non-issue.

[Anonymous]

This is why people should keep their mouth shut when they’re trying for a baby.. every ninny comes out with things like “How will the older kids feel?” “How will you manage the age gap” “You better not book that trip, what if you’re pregnant”, it’s endless.
Some of the posts you’ve gotten, “the time to discuss being good parents is before you start trying” bear this out. It’s like you are expected to set up your life for a baby that doesn’t exist and may not even be born when/if it does.. yes, I just had a recent miscarriage. I also have a teenager. Point being, your wife is being a good mom to one kid, she’ll be a good mom to two, if indeed there is a second baby. There may not be, and until there is, there’s no need to worry about what’s fair to a human who isn’t born.

You have every right to say “I intend to go with you on these dance trips and I plan for us to bring the baby”. If she hesitates, then you should be concerned. One of my sweetest memories is of my husband and I feeding our baby, we were in a hotel, there were no high chairs, so I held the baby while my husband fed him purees. It was wonderful. No way should you single parent while being married.. unless that is what you want to do. You matter too, op. It isn’t clear to me if you are truly worried about a future baby, or if you are worried you will be solo parenting much of the time, and not the fun kind of solo parenting, the grunt solo parenting that can suck the joy right out of someone.

To those who wonder why op doesn’t take the older kid on these dance trips, I’d be uncomfortable if man shared a hotel room with a teenage girl that wasn’t his. Maybe that isn’t happening, though if the dance leader has a rule that kids room with their adult, well, I can understand why op wouldn’t want to go on these trips without his wife and the kid’s mom. Based on your post op, I’m assuming you can’t adopt the kid?

As for your concerns, I can’t tell if you are anxious, or if you’ve got a mom or a friend whispering in your ear about how much babies change your life. Bonus points if the person doing the whispering doesn’t like your wife, doesn’t like you being married, didn’t like their own kids, lots of reasons why people make having kids sound miserable.



You and your wife need to talk. Listen to what she wants/expects then decide how you feel. You don’t have to agree because she’s the mom, you’re sleeping with her, or she’s got more experience. You can and should stand up for what you want and not so much what you want, but what you want to do on a day-to-day basis with your life.

You do need to get over the equal mentality. Things do tend to work out. I spent a great deal of my time Monday talking with my teen about loss and sadness. My younger kids didn’t need that time slot, not on that day. They had similar sad moments that I’ve been able to address and help them process. My younger kids see an activity my teen does and both of them want to join as soon as they are old enough. My teen and my preschool are happily playing together as I write this. When we were at the library, my teen checked out a medical textbook. My preschooler then said he wanted the same, so we found him a preschool appropriate book. Then we had fun calling the books the “body part books”.

Finally, know that at some point your stepdaughter will transition out of dance, or will dance differently. Make sure you communicate to her that she’s a valuable beloved member of the family and society. A baby shouldn’t impact her dancing, though many other things can and will. Make sure you communicate to her she’s important and loved no matter what.