Wife and I are trying for a baby, but I have concerns

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The time to discuss whether you can be good parents is before you start trying for a baby. Also you talk about your wife like she’s going to be a single for parent— why can’t you take your stepdaughter to the occasional dance event if you’re worried your baby isn’t going to get enough close time with their mother? Now is a great time to think about stepping up your contributions at home.

This. You'll have to step it up at home - caring for the new baby AND taking on some responsibility with your SD.

If you expect your wife to do the bulk of childcare, it won't work.

This thread is just shameful.

OP comes here saying he is concerned about how a blended family will work and half of you rush to tell him he is going to be a lazy, good-for-nothing father. Or that he's trying to use the kids against each other.

OP, I agree with the other posters who said that a teen and baby probably won't have too much jealousy towards each other, provided that the teen is on board before the baby shows up. Might be worth mom having a convo that puts the idea on the table. I'm not saying give the teen a vote or veto, but maybe best not to blindside them with it. Hopefully, she likes you and wants her mom to be happy. I would argue that you probably want to consciously try to make the teen the priority (unless the baby is in some kind of unsafe situation) because she will be much more aware of each insult. Plus, teens generally are moody and looking for reasons to separate from their parents and get out on their own. They're in that crazy head space where everything you do is wrong and they can't stand you, but also that they want to make sure that you keep their room exactly as they left it when they move off to college.

Last, I would take this to the general parenting forum. So many posters here are bitter divorcees and ready to pounce.

What a fascinating response— neither poster you quoted said the OP was lazy, or good for nothing. That was all you.

They did say OP should consider what his contribution to raising his child would be. Why do you find that question so triggering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The time to discuss whether you can be good parents is before you start trying for a baby. Also you talk about your wife like she’s going to be a single for parent— why can’t you take your stepdaughter to the occasional dance event if you’re worried your baby isn’t going to get enough close time with their mother? Now is a great time to think about stepping up your contributions at home.

This. You'll have to step it up at home - caring for the new baby AND taking on some responsibility with your SD.

If you expect your wife to do the bulk of childcare, it won't work.

This thread is just shameful.

OP comes here saying he is concerned about how a blended family will work and half of you rush to tell him he is going to be a lazy, good-for-nothing father. Or that he's trying to use the kids against each other.

OP, I agree with the other posters who said that a teen and baby probably won't have too much jealousy towards each other, provided that the teen is on board before the baby shows up. Might be worth mom having a convo that puts the idea on the table. I'm not saying give the teen a vote or veto, but maybe best not to blindside them with it. Hopefully, she likes you and wants her mom to be happy. I would argue that you probably want to consciously try to make the teen the priority (unless the baby is in some kind of unsafe situation) because she will be much more aware of each insult. Plus, teens generally are moody and looking for reasons to separate from their parents and get out on their own. They're in that crazy head space where everything you do is wrong and they can't stand you, but also that they want to make sure that you keep their room exactly as they left it when they move off to college.

Last, I would take this to the general parenting forum. So many posters here are bitter divorcees and ready to pounce.

What a fascinating response— neither poster you quoted said the OP was lazy, or good for nothing. That was all you.

They did say OP should consider what his contribution to raising his child would be. Why do you find that question so triggering?

Asking "why can't you take your stepdaughter to the occasional dance event" assumes that OP doesn't do this. Telling him "You'll have to step it up at home both for the new baby AND taking on some responsibility with your SD" also implies that he is not contributing to the care of his SD. Nothing in OP's post says "I'm worried that I might actually have to lift a finger to help." It says I'm worried that a teenager might have a hard time sharing her mom with a baby, which is not an unreasonable consideration. If you can't see that, then I suggest that you go pull your own weight at home. No reason that you would find that impolite or insulting, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you concerned about the baby getting enough time with mom, or are you concerned on the impacts it will have on you, such as having to do more at home or caring for your child solo while mom is out of town? Big difference.

ding ding ding

Winner winner chicken dinner!

I’m concerned that you don’t sound like a great dad, OP.

Like this exchange.

OP: I'm worried about X.
PP1: Are you worried about X or Y?
PP2: Oh yeah, it's definitely Y.
PP3: I've never met you, but PP2 is right you aren't a good dad.

Nobody else ever had any concern about how a stepchild would feel about their half-sibiling's demand on the shared parent? Like that's such a bizarre and totally underheard of concern that OP must be lying and actually has a nefarious plan to be a jackrabbit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The time to discuss whether you can be good parents is before you start trying for a baby. Also you talk about your wife like she’s going to be a single for parent— why can’t you take your stepdaughter to the occasional dance event if you’re worried your baby isn’t going to get enough close time with their mother? Now is a great time to think about stepping up your contributions at home.

This. You'll have to step it up at home - caring for the new baby AND taking on some responsibility with your SD.

If you expect your wife to do the bulk of childcare, it won't work.

This thread is just shameful.

OP comes here saying he is concerned about how a blended family will work and half of you rush to tell him he is going to be a lazy, good-for-nothing father. Or that he's trying to use the kids against each other.

OP, I agree with the other posters who said that a teen and baby probably won't have too much jealousy towards each other, provided that the teen is on board before the baby shows up. Might be worth mom having a convo that puts the idea on the table. I'm not saying give the teen a vote or veto, but maybe best not to blindside them with it. Hopefully, she likes you and wants her mom to be happy. I would argue that you probably want to consciously try to make the teen the priority (unless the baby is in some kind of unsafe situation) because she will be much more aware of each insult. Plus, teens generally are moody and looking for reasons to separate from their parents and get out on their own. They're in that crazy head space where everything you do is wrong and they can't stand you, but also that they want to make sure that you keep their room exactly as they left it when they move off to college.

Last, I would take this to the general parenting forum. So many posters here are bitter divorcees and ready to pounce.

What a fascinating response— neither poster you quoted said the OP was lazy, or good for nothing. That was all you.

They did say OP should consider what his contribution to raising his child would be. Why do you find that question so triggering?

Asking "why can't you take your stepdaughter to the occasional dance event" assumes that OP doesn't do this. Telling him "You'll have to step it up at home both for the new baby AND taking on some responsibility with your SD" also implies that he is not contributing to the care of his SD. Nothing in OP's post says "I'm worried that I might actually have to lift a finger to help." It says I'm worried that a teenager might have a hard time sharing her mom with a baby, which is not an unreasonable consideration. If you can't see that, then I suggest that you go pull your own weight at home. No reason that you would find that impolite or insulting, right?

The OP says that he is worried the baby won’t get enough time with their mother because the mother will be “always on the road with her daughter”. There’s an astonishingly easy solution to this (OP takes the stepdaughter to dance events) that’s not even mentioned, which is where the “and what are YOU doing” posts are coming from.