Wife and I are trying for a baby, but I have concerns

[Anonymous]

My wife was previously married and has a teen daughter. We’re trying to have a baby, but I have concerns. Her daughter is a competitive dancer and with her busy dance/travel schedule, I worry what this could mean for our child. Will our child still be able to get the same quality time with mom if she’s always on the move with her daughter? Or will the daughter have to cut back on her dance activities that she loves and that cause tension and resentment towards the baby? I want to make sure both kids have equal quality time with mom, but I don’t see how that will work.

[Anonymous]

Your wife can give quality time to both children, even with your step-daughter’s dance schedule. I would be careful about being too rigid about “equal time,” though. Even if your step-daughter did not do competitor dance, there would be plenty of times that she would need your wife attention more than the baby. On the flip side, your baby will have plenty of time with mom’s attention once your step daughter presumably moves out (to college or otherwise) in a few years. Take the long view here.

[Anonymous]

By the time your baby cares, the teen will be independent. I have a competitive athlete and a 6 year old and the drive and determination the 6 year old witnesses is only good for her.

[Anonymous]

Your wife has a kid who is leaving the nest and you want her to go through the whole thing again?

[Anonymous]

It's fine, OP. It's good you're thinking about this, but you'll see that overall it works out. Not every child needs equal time every day. There will be periods when the baby requires the most attention, then periods when he or she is "portable", and other periods when you can do the traveling with your oldest, or stay at home with the youngest. Two kids and two parents is eminently do-able.

[Anonymous]

What does your wife say?

[Anonymous]

The time to discuss whether you can be good parents is before you start trying for a baby. Also you talk about your wife like she’s going to be a single for parent— why can’t you take your stepdaughter to the occasional dance event if you’re worried your baby isn’t going to get enough close time with their mother? Now is a great time to think about stepping up your contributions at home.

[Anonymous]

Are you concerned about the baby getting enough time with mom, or are you concerned on the impacts it will have on you, such as having to do more at home or caring for your child solo while mom is out of town? Big difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The time to discuss whether you can be good parents is before you start trying for a baby. Also you talk about your wife like she’s going to be a single for parent— why can’t you take your stepdaughter to the occasional dance event if you’re worried your baby isn’t going to get enough close time with their mother? Now is a great time to think about stepping up your contributions at home.

This. You'll have to step it up at home - caring for the new baby AND taking on some responsibility with your SD.

If you expect your wife to do the bulk of childcare, it won't work.

[Anonymous]

Time with mom is never the same for a second child as it is for the first. You need to let go of that need for equal experiences. I say this as a mom to 3 children in an intact family. Each subsequent child gets less time with their parents because nobody is ever going to get 100% of mom’s attention again. But you know what? My kids all think the youngest is the luckiest. He gets to grow up with two fun older siblings who make him laugh all the time. He also never experienced my first-time angst about leaving him with a babysitter and trying certain activities.

Nobody gets “equal” that’s impossible. You can still have a great family where everyone gets what they need—but not if you beam count the way you’re doing right now. That’s toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By the time your baby cares, the teen will be independent. I have a competitive athlete and a 6 year old and the drive and determination the 6 year old witnesses is only good for her.

This.

[Anonymous]

So what’s the goal here, OP - to use dance as an excuse to not have a baby, or use the baby as an excuse to force your step daughter to give up dance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you concerned about the baby getting enough time with mom, or are you concerned on the impacts it will have on you, such as having to do more at home or caring for your child solo while mom is out of town? Big difference.

ding ding ding

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So what’s the goal here, OP - to use dance as an excuse to not have a baby, or use the baby as an excuse to force your step daughter to give up dance?

Neither one is the goal. I just don’t want either kid to feel slighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your wife has a kid who is leaving the nest and you want her to go through the whole thing again?

She always wanted more kids, it just didn’t happen sooner for her.