How to handle tween's "new friend" that is bad influence

[Anonymous]

Hmm...sorry but this friend would be ghosted very soon by my DD and I would devote a lot of time and effort on my DD to talk to her, explain things to her and divert her towards more positive endeavors.

Parenting is tough. You have to put in lots of time and be available to your kids, otherwise, very soon your kid will be cutting or sexting or whatever path such bad influence friends lead your kid to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

who talks like this FCS? it sounds so fake

I think this is the from Wendy Byrde school of parenting - where you're so antisocial that you have no idea how to have a meaningful personal conversation with loved ones

[Anonymous]

This is tough. I will tell you cutting is contagious, kids can get the idea from eachother so this is a problem. I would actually call the school counselor and share what is in the text. Have the counselor keep it anonymous, but this is a child who has mental health struggled and needs help.

I keep open up the lines of communication with your DD and get her thoughts. They may be a step ahead of you in thinking she needs to step back because it's too overwhelming. I would look for signs of cutting in your own daughter. I would make sure she knows she can always talk to you. I would share concerns gently, but let her know she makes her own choices.

[Anonymous]

I made a very big point of diversifying my DD's friend portfolio towards the end of elementary school. Friends from extra curriculars, from school, from camp, etc. So I would just offer to set up get-togethers with kids who liked for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

who talks like this FCS? it sounds so fake

I think this is the from Wendy Byrde school of parenting - where you're so antisocial that you have no idea how to have a meaningful personal conversation with loved ones

That’s so cool how you and PP can just sit back and criticize what others offer. You don’t put anything helpful on the table for OP to ponder. Hang back and just toss out your criticism. Super helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tough. I will tell you cutting is contagious, kids can get the idea from eachother so this is a problem. I would actually call the school counselor and share what is in the text. Have the counselor keep it anonymous, but this is a child who has mental health struggled and needs help.

I keep open up the lines of communication with your DD and get her thoughts. They may be a step ahead of you in thinking she needs to step back because it's too overwhelming. I would look for signs of cutting in your own daughter. I would make sure she knows she can always talk to you. I would share concerns gently, but let her know she makes her own choices.

Along these same lines, I've had a lot of conversations with DD about how you adopt the behaviors and feelings of people you surround yourself with. We've had some difficult discussions about this over the last year, and it's an ongoing effort, but I think DD has realized the fastest route to mental health struggles is to surround herself with friends who do. I realize that's an unpopular opinion and cold hearted. One friend who cuts is an anomaly. But that friend likely has other friends who are doing the same.

[Anonymous]

Cutting has become bizarrely common and there is also a trend of middle school girls trying out mental health issues, particularly when they cover them in health class. I think it’s maladaptive attention seeking, maybe made worse by all the books and media that focus on kids with depression, which helps raise awareness but also centers kids with mental health issues in a way that a lot of kids want to be centered. The good news is that this seems to sort of run its course in 6th-7th grade. I agree with PPs that it is somewhat contagious and also would add that it is greatly fueled by stuff like Tiktok. I think cutting out this friend is not going to eliminate the issue. I think the best antidote is to make sure your kid has a lot of other activities and positive ways to achieve validation from others. Also maybe cut down in virtual interactions and focus on IRL interactions—it seems like this stuff gains much more force over screens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm...sorry but this friend would be ghosted very soon by my DD and I would devote a lot of time and effort on my DD to talk to her, explain things to her and divert her towards more positive endeavors.

Parenting is tough. You have to put in lots of time and be available to your kids, otherwise, very soon your kid will be cutting or sexting or whatever path such bad influence friends lead your kid to.

Parenting IS tough, you're not wrong there. However, you are asking an awful lot of your child here. Insisting that someone else ghost a friend isn't the same as doing it yourself. What exactly would you propose that DD say to this person when they continue to contact her? When they see each other at school? At age 12, "My mom said I can't talk to you anymore" is laughable and not going to happen.

I agree with putting in the time, but the approach you are describing is a recipe for a kid who will be terrified to talk to her mom if things get weird or scary socially, since you've made it very clear that anyone with problems should be shunned.

OP, if your child knows that you read her texts, talk to her about this one. Express concern. Follow safety rules that make sense to you. But realistically, you cannot prevent a child this age from being friends with someone, short of taking away her phone and switching to an environment where she won't see this other girl at all. What you can do is make sure that your child knows that they can talk to you about friend stuff so that you can be slightly more certain that they will be telling the truth when they do talk to you about friend stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

who talks like this FCS? it sounds so fake

Anyone practicing conscious parenting does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

who talks like this FCS? it sounds so fake

I think this is the from Wendy Byrde school of parenting - where you're so antisocial that you have no idea how to have a meaningful personal conversation with loved ones

That’s so cool how you and PP can just sit back and criticize what others offer. You don’t put anything helpful on the table for OP to ponder. Hang back and just toss out your criticism. Super helpful.

Yeah, people are being dicks. The PP's phrasing may be different than what I would use, but I get the essence of their post. Don't be judgmental, practice active listening, ask open-ended questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tough. I will tell you cutting is contagious, kids can get the idea from eachother so this is a problem. I would actually call the school counselor and share what is in the text. Have the counselor keep it anonymous, but this is a child who has mental health struggled and needs help.

I keep open up the lines of communication with your DD and get her thoughts. They may be a step ahead of you in thinking she needs to step back because it's too overwhelming. I would look for signs of cutting in your own daughter. I would make sure she knows she can always talk to you. I would share concerns gently, but let her know she makes her own choices.

Along these same lines, I've had a lot of conversations with DD about how you adopt the behaviors and feelings of people you surround yourself with. We've had some difficult discussions about this over the last year, and it's an ongoing effort, but I think DD has realized the fastest route to mental health struggles is to surround herself with friends who do. I realize that's an unpopular opinion and cold hearted. One friend who cuts is an anomaly. But that friend likely has other friends who are doing the same.

What are you saying? Any good resources? THis is exactly what I am trying to convey to my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmm...sorry but this friend would be ghosted very soon by my DD and I would devote a lot of time and effort on my DD to talk to her, explain things to her and divert her towards more positive endeavors.

Parenting is tough. You have to put in lots of time and be available to your kids, otherwise, very soon your kid will be cutting or sexting or whatever path such bad influence friends lead your kid to.

+1

I have told my kid that you only have so much energy and friends should be a positive in your life.

[Anonymous]

Does she go to your daughter's school. Tell your daughter she must tell the guidance counselor. Give her a week to do it. Tell her (and do it) you are contacting the counselor that she will be coming in to discuss a concern about a friend. You would also like the counselor to talk with your daughter about peer relationships.

Empower your daughter by teaching her skills and that action is better than inaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she go to your daughter's school. Tell your daughter she must tell the guidance counselor. Give her a week to do it. Tell her (and do it) you are contacting the counselor that she will be coming in to discuss a concern about a friend. You would also like the counselor to talk with your daughter about peer relationships.

Empower your daughter by teaching her skills and that action is better than inaction.

+1

I'm 99% sure this is what my best friends mom did. I was able to get the help I needed, and my guardians the resources.

[Anonymous]

Schedule more activities so she has less time to spend with this friend.