How to handle tween's "new friend" that is bad influence

[Anonymous]

I am asking for advice on how to parent my tween girl related to a "bad influence" new friend. I have older boys, but parenting them seemed to be easier.

My 12 y.o. DD has become good friend with a girl who is a bad influence. I read their texting exchanges and the girl clearly has "issues" and most recently was talking about cutting herself. I don't even know the girl's last name so it isn't like I can contact her parents without my daughter knowing. I don't want to stop my daughter from having contact with this new friend because I don't want it to become forbidden fruit, but I also know I don't feel comfortable with my daughter spending so much time communicating with this person.

Thanks for your advice.

[Anonymous]

OP, first of all it's ok if you handle this friendship differently than her friendships with others. And it's ok if your DD picks up on that. And you do not need to defend yourself re: that.

You do not mention this approach, to your DD. Just sayin' if it seems noticed by her, too bad. Ignore any complaints. No true explanation needed.

I would always have them at your house. Your house only. You give them rides, not the other family. Basically they are never alone. And you know who they are with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, first of all it's ok if you handle this friendship differently than her friendships with others. And it's ok if your DD picks up on that. And you do not need to defend yourself re: that.

You do not mention this approach, to your DD. Just sayin' if it seems noticed by her, too bad. Ignore any complaints. No true explanation needed.

I would always have them at your house. Your house only. You give them rides, not the other family. Basically they are never alone. And you know who they are with.

Thanks for this helpful advice. So, you would still allow your child to communicate (by text/FaceTime) with this girl?

[Anonymous]

Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

Thank you. It seems like my rush to cut off this friendship isn't what is best to make sure my daughter knows she can talk with us. I can't believe this is where I am with a 12 yo. Seems like "big problems" earlier than I would have expected.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

Thank you. It seems like my rush to cut off this friendship isn't what is best to make sure my daughter knows she can talk with us. I can't believe this is where I am with a 12 yo. Seems like "big problems" earlier than I would have expected.

Things get real fast at 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

Have a 12 yo dd too. This hasn’t come up for us yet but I do think about this. I think the PP gives good advice. Assuming your DD knows you read her texts sometimes. If she doesn’t, then I would make it known you are spot checking her phone at time then bring this up at some point later- the cutting and such

[Anonymous]

I just want to caution about labeling a kid a "bad influence". . .a kid who has cutting has experienced trauma and likely doesn't have the control they need to manage it in their life. . .This does NOT change the real fact that you may not want you child exposed to it, even second hand. . .but please buckle up. The next few years are going to be hard to navigate well if you label other kids as "good" or "bad". . .it's really not binary. It can sometimes be the kid you would least expect to be involved in some rough stuff. It can sometimes be your kid. . .

The suggestion to be the one driving/hosting is a good one - keep your eyes and ears open, and often your mouth shut. . .and foster a strong open relationship with your kid so they feel safe talking to you about everything.

[Anonymous]

I also recall that cutting is becoming very mainstream, so wouldn’t assume a kid doing that has major issues (they also may). The experimentation kids do is so expanded now…

Your instincts not to cut off are good, b/c it does cause a bit of a forbidden fruit vibe.

I also recognize your primary concern is understandably your daughter, but perhaps you can stay engaged enough to be a trusted adult for this child if one is helpful.

[Anonymous]

It is very important that your daughter knows she can talk to you about anything. Also that you will always give her support in navigating new adolescent freindships that can come with new-to-her issues.

There is a TON of forthcoming talk about mental health issues amongst tweens and teens. And that is a step in the right direction for us as a society. However, I have seen some kids in this age group lean too heavily on their friends for support, and that kid can develop a responsibility for their friend’s well-being. That concern can tranfer into a responsibility that is beyond a tween/teens capacity to bear.

In the end, this is an opportunity to deepen your trusting, non-judgemental relationship with your daughter by being there for her and helping her to navigate this new friendship while also recognizing her own limits.

Good luck, op.

[Anonymous]

I don’t cut off friendships if I feel like they’re “a bad influence”. There is for this is because I really need to raise children that can be around that influences and still make good decisions.

But on occasion my children have had a certain friend that they make bad decisions with. I normally say to that friend and to my child it’s not that I think that you’re a bad person or that my child’s a bad person but for some reason when you 2 get together you make bad decisions and I think it’s in the best interest of both of you not to hang out together. U2 should make friends with people that help you make good decisions.

[Anonymous]

+1 to all the car rides. Teens can forget drivers have ears; bring the parent giving rides can give you a lot of insight into what’s going on in middle/high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do a lot of listening without judgment. Stay curious rather than giving into your need to give advice. Car rides are the best times for these conversations. There’s something about not having to face one another. That’s where I’ve learned the most from my teens.

“I read Sally wants to cut herself. What’s your thinking about that? How does that make you feel?”
Paraphrase what she’s saying without judging or trying to solve: “So it makes you feel scared. That makes sense. What are you thinking you might do?”

And so on.

It’s okay to say how you’re feeling, but only after she’s had a chance to talk. “I need you to know that I’m worried for her and for you. That’s a lot to handle. What help can I provide?”

who talks like this FCS? it sounds so fake

[Anonymous]

you would still allow your child to communicate (by text/FaceTime) with this girl?

If text/FT is introducing an element of danger, you should do all you can to control phone time. Phone is not available -all- the time.

[Anonymous]

Ask your daughter about this friend, as if you are trying to get to know this girl. Perhaps your daughter will give you an opening to ask her about some of your concerns. My DD had a friend that sounds similar. Luckily my daughter told me about some of the things her friends said and we were able to talk about it together. We ended up contacting the school because some of the things she told my daughter were concerning enough to do so. DD understood that we couldn't stand by and do nothing. She was concerned her friend would find out she was the one who told the school, so I asked that they keep her/us out of whatever happened.