Reply to Spouses from functional families vs dysfunctional families

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would assume yes because the dysfunction is passed down through the generations unless a person gets help and breaks the cycle.  I would assume it would be the same in functional families.

However this is the funny thing, lots of dysfunctional families actually think they are successful functional families.  They cannot see the dysfunction.  It is normal to them.

That is why if someone says they come from a close family I now see it as a red flag.  Most people in these 'close' families are somewhat dysfunctional.  They almost speak like they are a clan, and any newcomers have to prove themselves to be accepted into the fold.  Their lives then reflect this mentality.

The functional families I know have not described themselves as close, ever.  They do however in their actions and words show a very close supportive loving family.[/quote]

I know so many dysfunctional families and none has a clannish feel. This is so weird. And lots of totally functional families describe themselves as close. [/quote]

DP. I think, like a lot of things, closeness can go either way. I also know some functional families I'd describe as close. But like PP, I also know some families that think of themselves as very functional and successful where their closeness is, I think, a sign of dysfunction. I can think of one in particular where they are extremely close and have one very successful sibling, but there are lots of issues with some of the others -- inability to develop or maintain long term relationships, despite very much wanting to, being the biggest one. It's like the closeness of the family inhibits their ability to form their own familial bonds. I also think the family is extremely focused on the success and career and family of the one very successful sibling to the detriment of the others. There is simply not airspace for others. But the closeness feels good and they'd feel very lonely without it. It's basically codependency, but in a package that seems really great at first.

But I'm from a dysfunctional family that is not close and that's hard too -- people don't talk to each other, there is very little trust or companionship. I had an extremely lonely upbringing and early adulthood. But I did ultimately figure out how to create my own family that has the closeness I craved as a child. Whereas my friend in the family I just described will likely never marry or have kids of her own, because there is simply no room in her life for it. I don't think people have to get married or have kids to be fulfilled, but it's what she says she wants.

So in our case, my family's dysfunction actually drove me to create a strong and functional marriage and become a supportive and loving parent. Whereas her family's dysfunction is kind of masked. I used to be jealous of her family and now I'm not so sure it's as great as I thought when I first encountered them in my 20s (we are in our 40s now).[/quote]

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