What makes a Mother-in-law mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a perfectly fine MIL but nothing in this earth could make me love her like I love my mom, who raised me and cared for me and loved me unconditionally.

This. I have no issues with my MIL. She treats me well, doesn’t criticize or get involved in decisions that don’t involve her, and is very generous. I enjoy spending time with her. She’s family, but she’s not my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the wrong crowd to ask that question.

Let me rephrase, what qualities/traits do you see in your MIls which you would never replicate with significant others of your children?

I really like my MIL. I've known her since I was in college. She asks non-judgmental questions about my life, my job, my family, my hobbies, etc. She really listens to me. Calls me to congratulation me on promotions, etc. and doesn't just tell my husband to tell me. She remembers my favorite dish she makes and makes it when we visit. Keeps my favorite wine in the fridge. She's always made me feel like she cares about me as a person and not as an appendage of her son. If she is judging how we're raising our kids, I've never heard a negative peep about it. She's not a "mother" to me but she is my family and I care about her tremendously and genuinely enjoy her company.

I can’t imagine having any parent that did this for me let alone an in law. It really makes me realize how lucky some people have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a perfectly fine MIL but nothing in this earth could make me love her like I love my mom, who raised me and cared for me and loved me unconditionally.

No one can replace a mother, unsolicited mothering is like smothering. Let me rephrase it again. What makes one an MIL worthy of love and respect?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m with my MIL right now. She has traits that are better or worse than my mom - they’re very different women. I like that she’s a real person with me - asks me about my successes and concerns and shares hers. I also like that (unlike my mom) she’s willing and able to watch our kids a bit when we visit. My FIL is very difficult and my MIL could tell I needed a break today and asked me to lunch. My mom can’t really go out by herself anymore and didn’t do anything for Christmas this year, so it was special that my MIL remembered my favorite candy, made me of my favorite dishes of hers, and picked up a book by an author she thought I’d like.

I hadn’t seen her since December 2019. Both my siblings have their in-laws near by (my brother’s in-laws live with them a few months of the year) and I think it would be a very different relationship in that case. For example, my mom and dad show up at my brother’s house a few times a week expecting dinner. Never mind that my BIL and SIL have jobs and young kids. Also, my DH and I get stressed by the degree to which our parents judge our parenting or try to butt in or parent differently, so I’d say stay out of parenting unless asked or unless something is truly dangerous.

Pp here who wrote the above. I cared about and respected my MiL, but when our older daughter was born prematurely (she was okay, but there were stwo me challenges) and we were overwhelmed my parents just had no clue how to help. They showed up for a weekend and did things like sit and read the paper to “keep me company” when DD was days old. By contrast, when we called MiL in overwhelmed tears she asked for a week off work and flew down. She helped me figure out nursing, cooked, cleaned, gave the baby bottles so I could nap etc. That gift was amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the wrong crowd to ask that question.

Let me rephrase, what qualities/traits do you see in your MIls which you would never replicate with significant others of your children?

I really like my MIL. I've known her since I was in college. She asks non-judgmental questions about my life, my job, my family, my hobbies, etc. She really listens to me. Calls me to congratulation me on promotions, etc. and doesn't just tell my husband to tell me. She remembers my favorite dish she makes and makes it when we visit. Keeps my favorite wine in the fridge. She's always made me feel like she cares about me as a person and not as an appendage of her son. If she is judging how we're raising our kids, I've never heard a negative peep about it. She's not a "mother" to me but she is my family and I care about her tremendously and genuinely enjoy her company.

I can’t imagine having any parent that did this for me let alone an in law. It really makes me realize how lucky some people have it.

PP here. Notice I didn't say my own mother does any of this for me... but yes, I feel very lucky to have married into such a great family. My poor husband, maybe not so much.

[Anonymous]

Nothing in my situation. My mom died earlier this year and no one will ever replace her! I can never call someone else "mom" or view them as my mom.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a MIL I like very much. BUT

I would have loved her if she treated me like family. I am still, after nearly 20 years basically treated like I am a stranger. She’s never helped me in any way, didn’t help after I had kids, didn’t help when I had surgery emergency and two young kids at home, has never watched my kids ever, doesn’t come to our home to visit, we always have to go there, only sends home enough food for my husband to eat, not enough for all of us, always tells me how lucky I am to have her son, etc.

This has been especially hard for me because my mom died before I was married. So I’ve had no woman figure to lean on for advice or for just a bit of nurturing from time to time. A hug? A meaningful smile? It would be so amazing if my MIL would know anything about me. The pp who mentioned her MIL remembering her favorite food, that would be so amazing to me.

[Anonymous]

She never judged me despite being a different religion and raising our children in that different religion.

[Anonymous]

I love and appreciate my MIL very much. She couldnt' do or say anything better. But we're wildly different people and I don't view her as "mom". It'll just never happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have a MIL I like very much. BUT

I would have loved her if she treated me like family. I am still, after nearly 20 years basically treated like I am a stranger. She’s never helped me in any way, didn’t help after I had kids, didn’t help when I had surgery emergency and two young kids at home, has never watched my kids ever, doesn’t come to our home to visit, we always have to go there, only sends home enough food for my husband to eat, not enough for all of us, always tells me how lucky I am to have her son, etc.

This has been especially hard for me because my mom died before I was married. So I’ve had no woman figure to lean on for advice or for just a bit of nurturing from time to time. A hug? A meaningful smile? It would be so amazing if my MIL would know anything about me. The pp who mentioned her MIL remembering her favorite food, that would be so amazing to me.

Yep, I have the same. Let’s just say I don’t feel particularly close to MIL. I’m just someone there who does the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the wrong crowd to ask that question.

Let me rephrase, what qualities/traits do you see in your MIls which you would never replicate with significant others of your children?

I really like my MIL. I've known her since I was in college. She asks non-judgmental questions about my life, my job, my family, my hobbies, etc. She really listens to me. Calls me to congratulation me on promotions, etc. and doesn't just tell my husband to tell me. She remembers my favorite dish she makes and makes it when we visit. Keeps my favorite wine in the fridge. She's always made me feel like she cares about me as a person and not as an appendage of her son. If she is judging how we're raising our kids, I've never heard a negative peep about it. She's not a "mother" to me but she is my family and I care about her tremendously and genuinely enjoy her company.

The details aren’t quite the same, but my MIL was quite a bit like this (unfortunately she has passed away). She was a lovely lady. My DH and I both miss her greatly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Which qualities made you love your MIL like a real mother?

I love my MIL even more than my own mom. She is:

Unfailingly supportive
Always assumes the best of intentions
A great listener
Makes herself available if I need help
Respects me and my house and our parenting decisions
Genuinely cares about my family and grandkids
Is always thinking about how to help— she sent me so many new baby things that I didn’t even know I needed until one day I’d realize it— and see that she had already sent it.

It helps that I myself:

Always assume the best of intentions
Think it’s really important to have a good relationship with family if possible

[Anonymous]

I call my ILs mom and dad, and DH calls my parents mom and dad too. This is very cultural for us. When we were not married, we called each other parents uncle and auntie as a sign of respect.

Having said that, my MIL is my MIL. She is not my mother. I respect her and take care of her like I would take care of my own mom. But, I behave with her as an adult. With my own mom, I become a child and want her to pamper me.

My MIL is very fond of me, and I do try more to make her happy and to do the things that she values. A lot of this is also cultural, social and a sign of a cultured, educated and functional family. for example, if some relatives come to visit my ILs, I am the one who will insist on taking care of them, preparing the tea and snacks etc, so that my MIL does not have to get up and can visit peacefully. I do it because she is my elder, it is good manners, it is good upbringing and also she has a exalted place in he family. Also, there are a lot of occasions publicly where I place her first, or get her blessings, or will take her permissions or input in how things will get done - but it is again the etiquettes of how to treat elders and how to remain blessed. Especially important in a multi-generational household. All of this works because she has treated me very well and tried her best to understand me. Even though I come from a conservative culture, she has supported me and has raised an excellent son. But, I am an adult with her, the eldest DIL, who has a lot of responsibilities of keeping the family together and looking after everyone. With my mom, I am like a carefree infant. I want her to take care of me. So that difference remains.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m with my MIL right now. She has traits that are better or worse than my mom - they’re very different women. I like that she’s a real person with me - asks me about my successes and concerns and shares hers. I also like that (unlike my mom) she’s willing and able to watch our kids a bit when we visit. My FIL is very difficult and my MIL could tell I needed a break today and asked me to lunch. My mom can’t really go out by herself anymore and didn’t do anything for Christmas this year, so it was special that my MIL remembered my favorite candy, made me of my favorite dishes of hers, and picked up a book by an author she thought I’d like.

I hadn’t seen her since December 2019. Both my siblings have their in-laws near by (my brother’s in-laws live with them a few months of the year) and I think it would be a very different relationship in that case. For example, my mom and dad show up at my brother’s house a few times a week expecting dinner. Never mind that my BIL and SIL have jobs and young kids. Also, my DH and I get stressed by the degree to which our parents judge our parenting or try to butt in or parent differently, so I’d say stay out of parenting unless asked or unless something is truly dangerous.

Pp here who wrote the above. I cared about and respected my MiL, but when our older daughter was born prematurely (she was okay, but there were stwo me challenges) and we were overwhelmed my parents just had no clue how to help. They showed up for a weekend and did things like sit and read the paper to “keep me company” when DD was days old. By contrast, when we called MiL in overwhelmed tears she asked for a week off work and flew down. She helped me figure out nursing, cooked, cleaned, gave the baby bottles so I could nap etc. That gift was amazing.

My story is almost exactly the same. My firstborn had the most horrible reflux that lasted for months, and had to be held constantly. DH was posted overseas, and I was overwhelmed. My MIL had to work on Sundays and Mondays, so she actually would fly in every Tuesday and stay til Saturday to help me. She actually took care of all the night feedings for 10 weeks! I can’t even believe it now that I’m remembering it.

[Anonymous]

Mine did her best to get both of her sons divorced. She can be a nice person when people keep fulfilling her demands but when it comes to self-interest, she can sacrifice people left and right. She couldn’t get along with her own kids or their spouses so I never even thought of expecting anything from her. Just tried to stay out of her way.