What makes a Mother-in-law mom?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is great but we only met 8 years ago and I was 30, a full grown adult. I see her as a relative but not as a mother and I think that works better for us.

[Anonymous]

I met my MIL when I was 15. DH and I started dating at 16. We got married at 22. We are 54. I’ve always called her “mom”. She isn’t perfect. But neither am I. In 33 years of marriage, we have never had cross words with each other. She drives me crazy sometimes. I’m sure I do things to annoy her as well. But she gave birth to and raised my husband, the person I love above all others. She is our kids’ grandmother. And now a great grandma. I love her because of who she is. She is part of our family. She is smart, funny, caring, and a lot of fun to be around (most of the time). Alzheimers has made it much more difficult in the last few years. But I will always love her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I met my MIL when I was 15. DH and I started dating at 16. We got married at 22. We are 54. I’ve always called her “mom”. She isn’t perfect. But neither am I. In 33 years of marriage, we have never had cross words with each other. She drives me crazy sometimes. I’m sure I do things to annoy her as well. But she gave birth to and raised my husband, the person I love above all others. She is our kids’ grandmother. And now a great grandma. I love her because of who she is. She is part of our family. She is smart, funny, caring, and a lot of fun to be around (most of the time). Alzheimers has made it much more difficult in the last few years. But I will always love her.

That's awesome.

[Anonymous]

MIL will never be Mom. Just grandma and IL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I like and respect my MIL, and I met her when I was 19, but I have a mother and don't need additional mother figures. I don't have that relationship with any women in my life other than my actual mom.

You don’t NEED that but if you got it, your life would be richer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like and respect my MIL, and I met her when I was 19, but I have a mother and don't need additional mother figures. I don't have that relationship with any women in my life other than my actual mom.

You don’t NEED that but if you got it, your life would be richer.

NP. Not necessarily. A fully grown woman with a good mom and a good support system has a rich life. Why do you feel the need to chide a stranger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless it’s an underage marriage, these are two adult women who can bond over love for a man they both love in their own ways but there is no need for building child-parent relation. It was a norm because marriages happened at an early age, a 30 year old women doesn’t need parenting.

+1. And I don’t mean this in a negative way at all but we are both adults and can enjoy each other’s company without trying to create a child/parent dynamic.

I agree generally but I will say that my mother who married at 19 in a very rural community was still of an era that a high school graduate was very much an adult. She got along with my grandmother but there was no mother-daughter dynamic. It was a cordial, warm relationship but nothing like what she had with her mother, and there was no need even as a “teen” bride for her to have that type of relationship with her husband’s mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like and respect my MIL, and I met her when I was 19, but I have a mother and don't need additional mother figures. I don't have that relationship with any women in my life other than my actual mom.

You don’t NEED that but if you got it, your life would be richer.

NP. Not necessarily. A fully grown woman with a good mom and a good support system has a rich life. Why do you feel the need to chide a stranger?

+1. I prefer that the relationship I have with MIL is between two adults. I would not want to view her as a mother and wouldn’t want her to see me as her child. DH and I aren’t siblings, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never, ever try to “be a mother” to someone unless they specifically say they want you to be a mother figure in their life. I have a mother. One. When she dies, there will not be anyone who can take her place.

My MIL tried to be “like a mother” to me from the jump, never mind that I have not only a mother, but aunts and older female friends of my parents. The first step toward closeness is getting to know someone, so when she failed to see that I had a lot of women in my life who I looked to already for support, guidance and care, she was ignoring a lot of important things about me. We’ve never been close, because she didn’t start at 1 with me; she tried to start at 10.

+100

One of my in laws told me that they would be my parent after one of my actual parent's funerals. I know they meant well but all that was going through my head when they said it was a string of expletives.

[Anonymous]

MIL is nice and tries, but I just don’t respect her. She was an alcoholic when raising DH and didn’t stop her husband from beating DH. She had a mental breakdown and DH was sent to live with distant family. The lack of bonding with a parent as a child has caused DH so much pain as an adult. And frankly makes it hard for him to have a relationship with anyone, including me. MIL is sober now, but I don’t feel love toward her.

MIL is also very codependent on DH. I think she resents me taking away her son. She takes about coming to live with us, and I shut it down with DH. It’s a weird dynamic. MIL will always favor DH. Her relationship with me is just for convenience so she can have more access to her son. I’m polite, but I have zero interest in having a relationship with her. She’s way to invested to continuing to mother DH to ever be thought of as a mother to me.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is horribly abusive. But I adore my cousin's MIL and some of my ex's parents, esp their moms.

They are kind, generous, thoughtful, conscientious and have good boundaries. They are sincere and good-hearted.

I appreciate when they tell their son off for being unreasonable or a jerk. None of this 'my son is the only perfect human being ever' nonsense. It is very obvious when someone only sees you as an incubator and slave labor. You aren't a person or you are the enemy for 'stealing' their sonsband away.

I think the issue is personality, actually. It is less about the specific relationship, I think, except they tend to let their crazy run wild a bit more than say, at work. The horrible and less than amazing MILs tend to be that way in the rest of their relationships as well.

[Anonymous]

The exact opposite of my mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I like and respect my MIL, and I met her when I was 19, but I have a mother and don't need additional mother figures. I don't have that relationship with any women in my life other than my actual mom.

You don’t NEED that but if you got it, your life would be richer.

🤮

[Anonymous]

I am lucky to have my MIL. I have my mom and I used to be closer to her, but over time she has become more challenging to deal with some various issues like ADHD and anxiety. My MIL is supportive and really has it together, she is a very can-do type person and cares about me as a person and truly wishes me well. She isn't a replacement for my mother but she treats me well and cares truly about being kind to her son and me and respects our relationship and adds to my life.

[Anonymous]

I like be my MIL like my own mother because she is:
1. Loving and supportive towards me and my family;
2. Kind in practical ways (did a lot of volunteer work to help people in an African country become more independent financially;
3. Shows interest in all her children and grandchildren;
4. Is intelligent and keeps learning in older years;
5. Remembers birthdays and holidays in sweet ways;
6. Is an interesting person n her own right and documents her life for our children to appreciate more of their family history; and
7. She acknowledges and encourages all my efforts to care for my family and friends.

I adore my MIL and feel So blessed to have her in our lives.