If you don't enjoy family, in laws, give me your best tips for the holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

[Anonymous]

Every year around Halloween take up a “running program” or a “walking program.” “Oh I’m going to take a (jog/walk) because I started this new walking program a few months ago, see you in 30 minutes!” Then you probably have to change and take a shower when you get back. Oh my jog tired me out, I’m going to lay down for a bit before lunch or before dinner.

Offer to cook something for dinner or bake cookies but oh no you don’t have x ingredient, need to run to the store, does anyone want anything?

Bring an activity for yourself to work on like a puzzle, cross-stitch, etc. If it’s like my IL’s and everyone is on screens anyway, load your phone or tablet with your preferred movie or games.

Focus a lot on your kids or nieces/nephews if you have any, play games/toys with them, teach the older kids a card game or board game. Kids are a lot more tolerable than adults especially at the holidays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait long enough and they’ll die.

Ok this is great. And true!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

Question:

These are all great ideas, but if the goal is to go somewhere and then just not be there - physically or mentally or emotionally- why go at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with making yourself comfortable. My visits to my ILs got a bit better when I invested in some really cozy long underwear (they live in a very cold locale) and I always bring a couple of my favorite cozy sweaters and a big blanket scarf, plus house slippers. Being physically comfortable is big.

I also took up crochet to deal with awkwardness there. I'm terrible and rarely get anywhere with it, but it gives me something to focus on and I find it kind of relaxing. Also, a thing my ILs love to do is just sit around the living room watching cable news and talking about neighbors and old friends and other people I don't know. I hate it, but there are few other places to go. So I often crochet right through it. I'll also excuse myself for a nap but you can do that, max, once a day before people start asking if you are sick or pregnant.

Another thing I do is pick out a couple local destinations when I visit that I genuinely look forward to. One is a local restaurant and the other a bakery/coffee shop. If one of them doesn't make my husband's schedule, I'll just excuse myself to go to one or the other and take my laptop, claiming work (which I usually do have some of but I often don't even bother to work -- it's just to get a break).

This is terrific advice. You could do crosswords or sudoku instead of crochet. But I do think the idea of being physically comfortable helps all of us relax.

[Anonymous]

Nuclear family only vacations

[Anonymous]

Wine

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

Question:

These are all great ideas, but if the goal is to go somewhere and then just not be there - physically or mentally or emotionally- why go at all?

Inlaws don't care at all about their DIL. They want to see their son and grandchildren. Although I will say that when men disappear, no one bats and eye. But women are questioned when they disappear because that means they aren't helping cook/clean/corral kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

#1: I'd bring a reusable water bottle for each kid. Drinks are taken care of.
#2: Buy some lunch stuff! Goodness.
#3: yes to the sleeping pill (unisom is awesome) and an eye mask and ear plugs. Sleeping well helps me not be stabby.

Your kids will get bigger and need you a bit less. And then you can run to the coffee shop while your DH does kid duty AND parent duty for a morning. Also as kids get bigger it's clear they need to get out of the house, so you'll spend less time just sitting around the inlaws house and more time in the yard or at the local playground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is really difficult. Short of physically getting away from these folks, as a PP wisely suggested, you can propose a low-key activity like a board game, puzzle, or Christmas movie. Sure, you may still have to listen to someone annoyingly yammer about their Scrabble score, but I find the activity is often more tolerable than sitting around and talking. You can also say you’re going for a run but instead walk down the street for a cigarette. Whatever.

I would love this but this kind of thing had been shot down when I've suggested it. So good to have an activity you can do yourself as a backup (cricket example, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

Question:

These are all great ideas, but if the goal is to go somewhere and then just not be there - physically or mentally or emotionally- why go at all?

The goal isn't to "not be there" AT ALL. The goal is to balance being there and then also GETTING A DAMN BREAK from people who live life differently than you do. So if Mama Nancy wants to watch Fox News all day, I need to spend the morning at the cafe so I don't go insane, but then maybe I'm fortified to get through the afternoon propaganda machine with a smile on my face. So you are there, and there is quality time, but spending every minute focused on visiting and making memories can be exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family is really difficult. Short of physically getting away from these folks, as a PP wisely suggested, you can propose a low-key activity like a board game, puzzle, or Christmas movie. Sure, you may still have to listen to someone annoyingly yammer about their Scrabble score, but I find the activity is often more tolerable than sitting around and talking. You can also say you’re going for a run but instead walk down the street for a cigarette. Whatever.

Oh lord my MIL turns into a competitive monster with board games, she will start mocking people, calling people names etc. I avoid those at all costs. But maybe other people aren't so crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

Question:

These are all great ideas, but if the goal is to go somewhere and then just not be there - physically or mentally or emotionally- why go at all?

Inlaws don't care at all about their DIL. They want to see their son and grandchildren. Although I will say that when men disappear, no one bats and eye. But women are questioned when they disappear because that means they aren't helping cook/clean/corral kids.

+1 million this is so true. With my IL’s it’s 90% my husband they want to see and like 10% the kids. Since I’m mom, I’m just the child minder, and I have to be extremely on top of the kids at all times because none of the other adults there (IL’s, SIL and BIL, and another BIL) aren’t going to lift a finger to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I give zero energy to my ILs and focus on our young children. They easily take up 200% of my energy! I play games with them, read books with them, clean up toys with them.

This is me.

Same. Except they run me completely ragged. They are all over my inlaws tiny house, I'm picking up nonstop because there's no place to put toys or hang coats even. They're always wanting drinks (we bring cups because inlaws only have glass and my kids broke several last time! ugh), snacks. It's SO damn exhausting. After Thanksgiving I felt like I needed a week's vacation.

Kinda jealous of the woman knitting or the woman sitting in a coffee shop. I hand embroider but it's hard to even imagine having time for something like that at inlaws. Kids are just 10x worse there and sleep worse than at home.

So my tips: sleeping pills help me sleep and not toss and turn on bad mattresses and sheets, bringing snacks and food for the kids to tide them over when there's no lunch (they like a big breakfast and big dinner, my kids like big lunch) that I keep in my room.

Question:

These are all great ideas, but if the goal is to go somewhere and then just not be there - physically or mentally or emotionally- why go at all?

Inlaws don't care at all about their DIL. They want to see their son and grandchildren. Although I will say that when men disappear, no one bats and eye. But women are questioned when they disappear because that means they aren't helping cook/clean/corral kids.

+1 million this is so true. With my IL’s it’s 90% my husband they want to see and like 10% the kids. Since I’m mom, I’m just the child minder, and I have to be extremely on top of the kids at all times because none of the other adults there (IL’s, SIL and BIL, and another BIL) aren’t going to lift a finger to help.

Same. They just want to see my husband and then have the kids behave perfectly, hug them on command, and be cute/entertaining at what they deem to be appropriate times.

Also, since they mostly just want to see DH, they dominate all his time and get annoyed with me if I ask him to help with the kids. My BIL has told me several times that it’s unreasonable to expect DH to focus on the kids because “we never get to see him.” Such a childish approach to the whole thing. My DH doesn’t even like them! We visit out of obligation. Luckily it’s just a couple times a year. They never travel to us.