Kids told me my parents spanked them

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds more like a swat than a spanking. I would not be happy but I wouldn't go nuclear on them either.

I would tell the boys "that's how I was disciplined growing up but it's not how your father and I want you to be disciplined, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You need to obey grandma and grandpa when you're at their house but they should never hit you."

Then I would have a conversation with my parents saying "I know you don't view it as abusive but thinking has changed on this topic. If you say you won't do it again we can move on, although I would appreciate it if you also apologized to the boys. If you think that this boundary is not something you can respect, I can't let you watch them unsupervised."

But they can’t respect the boundary! Why give them another chance to hit the kids? And over not eating dinner - no safety involved or anything, just a need to control the kids.

She didn't set the boundary until after it happened, so you can't say they "can't" respect it. They did not transgress a boundary that was not there. She knew they were spankers and had them watch her kid without telling them spanking was not allowed. If she tells them they can never spank her kids again and they disagree, then no more grandparent time. But just scoffing at her the first time she brings it up is not refusing to follow her boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sons told me last night that last summer, when I was on a work trip and my husband was working, my parents spanked them after they didn't eat their dinner. I am not surprised (my parents have a terrible temper and this is totally something they would do when frustrated). They told me that they didn't tell me that this happened because they knew I would not let them go to my parents' house unattended. My son said they "slapped him on his bottom real quick". We don't hit or spank. I brought it up with my dad and he admitted it but acted like it was "funny" and that I was "making everything a big deal". What would you do? I told my parents they can no longer be with the boys unattended if this is how they are going to act. For what it's worth, they are both mandated reporters.

That's not worth anything, since this isn't child abuse.
I would not leave my kids alone with people who have a terrible temper. I never would have in the first place, but I guess that ship has sailed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds more like a swat than a spanking. I would not be happy but I wouldn't go nuclear on them either.

I would tell the boys "that's how I was disciplined growing up but it's not how your father and I want you to be disciplined, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You need to obey grandma and grandpa when you're at their house but they should never hit you."

Then I would have a conversation with my parents saying "I know you don't view it as abusive but thinking has changed on this topic. If you say you won't do it again we can move on, although I would appreciate it if you also apologized to the boys. If you think that this boundary is not something you can respect, I can't let you watch them unsupervised."

But they can’t respect the boundary! Why give them another chance to hit the kids? And over not eating dinner - no safety involved or anything, just a need to control the kids.

She didn't set the boundary until after it happened, so you can't say they "can't" respect it. They did not transgress a boundary that was not there. She knew they were spankers and had them watch her kid without telling them spanking was not allowed. If she tells them they can never spank her kids again and they disagree, then no more grandparent time. But just scoffing at her the first time she brings it up is not refusing to follow her boundaries.

Where do you get that she didn't set the boundary before it happened? She says she wasn't surprised because of her own experience growing up, but also everyone kept it a secret from her for a long time even though that's absolutely something that normally would be discussed when mom returned ("oh the boys were acting up at dinner so I gave them a little swat" or whatever). If OP's parents didn't think the spanking was a problem, why wasn't the boys behavior mentioned at the time?

The fact that it was kept a secret (that the kids had to keep! that's a huge problem) demonstrates that everyone knew OP was not okay with it at the time. It wasn't an after-the-fact switch.

[Anonymous]

A spanking for not eating dinner? I didn't eat dinner last night. Should I get hit for it? Some of you are crazy! That's not an appropriate response. My grandparents used to hit me and I didn't talk to them for a decade once I was older and wiser!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds more like a swat than a spanking. I would not be happy but I wouldn't go nuclear on them either.

I would tell the boys "that's how I was disciplined growing up but it's not how your father and I want you to be disciplined, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You need to obey grandma and grandpa when you're at their house but they should never hit you."

Then I would have a conversation with my parents saying "I know you don't view it as abusive but thinking has changed on this topic. If you say you won't do it again we can move on, although I would appreciate it if you also apologized to the boys. If you think that this boundary is not something you can respect, I can't let you watch them unsupervised."

But they can’t respect the boundary! Why give them another chance to hit the kids? And over not eating dinner - no safety involved or anything, just a need to control the kids.

She didn't set the boundary until after it happened, so you can't say they "can't" respect it. They did not transgress a boundary that was not there. She knew they were spankers and had them watch her kid without telling them spanking was not allowed. If she tells them they can never spank her kids again and they disagree, then no more grandparent time. But just scoffing at her the first time she brings it up is not refusing to follow her boundaries.

Where do you get that she didn't set the boundary before it happened? She says she wasn't surprised because of her own experience growing up, but also everyone kept it a secret from her for a long time even though that's absolutely something that normally would be discussed when mom returned ("oh the boys were acting up at dinner so I gave them a little swat" or whatever). If OP's parents didn't think the spanking was a problem, why wasn't the boys behavior mentioned at the time?

The fact that it was kept a secret (that the kids had to keep! that's a huge problem) demonstrates that everyone knew OP was not okay with it at the time. It wasn't an after-the-fact switch.

The kids kept it a secret, not the grandparents, and not at the grandparents' request. She never said they told the kids to keep it quiet, just that the kids knew mom and dad would be upset so they didn't mention it. The grandparents didn't see it as anything worthy of reporting - kids acted badly, got disciplined, it's over. Like you said, it was just not eating dinner one time, not something big enough to be reported upon pickup. If you don't think swatting is a evil act, you just see it as basic discipline, then you don't have to hide it or report it. It's part of childcare.

I get that she didn't set the boundary because she never said she set the boundary. Then she said she wasn't surprised because of their temper. Do you really think that if she was worried about spanking and told them in advance that it was unacceptable and it happened anyway, she wouldn't have mentioned that fact in the OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds more like a swat than a spanking. I would not be happy but I wouldn't go nuclear on them either.

I would tell the boys "that's how I was disciplined growing up but it's not how your father and I want you to be disciplined, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You need to obey grandma and grandpa when you're at their house but they should never hit you."

Then I would have a conversation with my parents saying "I know you don't view it as abusive but thinking has changed on this topic. If you say you won't do it again we can move on, although I would appreciate it if you also apologized to the boys. If you think that this boundary is not something you can respect, I can't let you watch them unsupervised."

But they can’t respect the boundary! Why give them another chance to hit the kids? And over not eating dinner - no safety involved or anything, just a need to control the kids.

She didn't set the boundary until after it happened, so you can't say they "can't" respect it. They did not transgress a boundary that was not there. She knew they were spankers and had them watch her kid without telling them spanking was not allowed. If she tells them they can never spank her kids again and they disagree, then no more grandparent time. But just scoffing at her the first time she brings it up is not refusing to follow her boundaries.

Where do you get that she didn't set the boundary before it happened? She says she wasn't surprised because of her own experience growing up, but also everyone kept it a secret from her for a long time even though that's absolutely something that normally would be discussed when mom returned ("oh the boys were acting up at dinner so I gave them a little swat" or whatever). If OP's parents didn't think the spanking was a problem, why wasn't the boys behavior mentioned at the time?

The fact that it was kept a secret (that the kids had to keep! that's a huge problem) demonstrates that everyone knew OP was not okay with it at the time. It wasn't an after-the-fact switch.

The kids kept it a secret, not the grandparents, and not at the grandparents' request. She never said they told the kids to keep it quiet, just that the kids knew mom and dad would be upset so they didn't mention it. The grandparents didn't see it as anything worthy of reporting - kids acted badly, got disciplined, it's over. Like you said, it was just not eating dinner one time, not something big enough to be reported upon pickup. If you don't think swatting is a evil act, you just see it as basic discipline, then you don't have to hide it or report it. It's part of childcare.

I get that she didn't set the boundary because she never said she set the boundary. Then she said she wasn't surprised because of their temper. Do you really think that if she was worried about spanking and told them in advance that it was unacceptable and it happened anyway, she wouldn't have mentioned that fact in the OP?

You are jumping to about 8 different conclusions here that I don't think we have enough info to conclude. It's weird the kids kept it a secret, right? But were still so bothered by it that it came out months and months later? That indicates that people knew at the time there was something illicit about the incident. And I don't know about you, but I expect any caregiver to tell me about any problems that happened while I was away. Certainly anything they felt merited this kind of discipline should be mentioned. I think it's odd that OP's parents didn't tell her what had happened, and likely that the reason that they didn't is that they knew OP would be upset.

So yeah, there was a boundary and everyone (OP, grandparents, kids) knew what it was. Otherwise it would not have come out this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds more like a swat than a spanking. I would not be happy but I wouldn't go nuclear on them either.

I would tell the boys "that's how I was disciplined growing up but it's not how your father and I want you to be disciplined, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You need to obey grandma and grandpa when you're at their house but they should never hit you."

Then I would have a conversation with my parents saying "I know you don't view it as abusive but thinking has changed on this topic. If you say you won't do it again we can move on, although I would appreciate it if you also apologized to the boys. If you think that this boundary is not something you can respect, I can't let you watch them unsupervised."

But they can’t respect the boundary! Why give them another chance to hit the kids? And over not eating dinner - no safety involved or anything, just a need to control the kids.

She didn't set the boundary until after it happened, so you can't say they "can't" respect it. They did not transgress a boundary that was not there. She knew they were spankers and had them watch her kid without telling them spanking was not allowed. If she tells them they can never spank her kids again and they disagree, then no more grandparent time. But just scoffing at her the first time she brings it up is not refusing to follow her boundaries.

Where do you get that she didn't set the boundary before it happened? She says she wasn't surprised because of her own experience growing up, but also everyone kept it a secret from her for a long time even though that's absolutely something that normally would be discussed when mom returned ("oh the boys were acting up at dinner so I gave them a little swat" or whatever). If OP's parents didn't think the spanking was a problem, why wasn't the boys behavior mentioned at the time?

The fact that it was kept a secret (that the kids had to keep! that's a huge problem) demonstrates that everyone knew OP was not okay with it at the time. It wasn't an after-the-fact switch.

The kids kept it a secret, not the grandparents, and not at the grandparents' request. She never said they told the kids to keep it quiet, just that the kids knew mom and dad would be upset so they didn't mention it. The grandparents didn't see it as anything worthy of reporting - kids acted badly, got disciplined, it's over. Like you said, it was just not eating dinner one time, not something big enough to be reported upon pickup. If you don't think swatting is a evil act, you just see it as basic discipline, then you don't have to hide it or report it. It's part of childcare.

I get that she didn't set the boundary because she never said she set the boundary. Then she said she wasn't surprised because of their temper. Do you really think that if she was worried about spanking and told them in advance that it was unacceptable and it happened anyway, she wouldn't have mentioned that fact in the OP?

You are jumping to about 8 different conclusions here that I don't think we have enough info to conclude. It's weird the kids kept it a secret, right? But were still so bothered by it that it came out months and months later? That indicates that people knew at the time there was something illicit about the incident. And I don't know about you, but I expect any caregiver to tell me about any problems that happened while I was away. Certainly anything they felt merited this kind of discipline should be mentioned. I think it's odd that OP's parents didn't tell her what had happened, and likely that the reason that they didn't is that they knew OP would be upset.

So yeah, there was a boundary and everyone (OP, grandparents, kids) knew what it was. Otherwise it would not have come out this way.

You are assuming there was a boundary set with the grandparents and it is so obvious that it didn't even need to be said. I'm assuming there was no boundary because it wasn't said, even though it would be highly relevant information to the OP. Not sure how my assumption is less valid than yours, but we can agree to disagree. I think it's far more likely that kids who are not normally punished with a spanking internalized that they did something VERY WRONG when they got spanked, and didn't tell their parents because they thought they would get in more trouble. If grandparents had told them it was a big secret that needed to be kept from their parents, again: I think that's information OP would have mentioned.

90% of your anger at the grandparents seems to be based on inferences not in the text. I'm going off what OP actually said, which is that the kids say they kept it a secret, not that they were told to do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sons told me last night that last summer, when I was on a work trip and my husband was working, my parents spanked them after they didn't eat their dinner. I am not surprised (my parents have a terrible temper and this is totally something they would do when frustrated). They told me that they didn't tell me that this happened because they knew I would not let them go to my parents' house unattended. My son said they "slapped him on his bottom real quick". We don't hit or spank. I brought it up with my dad and he admitted it but acted like it was "funny" and that I was "making everything a big deal". What would you do? I told my parents they can no longer be with the boys unattended if this is how they are going to act. For what it's worth, they are both mandated reporters.

OP- your father's reaction of trying to pass off his actions as "funny" and telling you that YOU are making it a big deal....that's gaslighting.

You have a parent who is not being transparent with you. He did something he knew you wouldn't like and hid it from you because he knew the potential consequences. Very immature behavior.

Personally, my kids wouldn't be spending time alone with him in the near future.

[Anonymous]

I think you should spank the grandparents, and then we can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what “mandated reporters” means but I would be furious if anyone stuck my children! I absolutely would tell my kids what grandparents did was wrong and not allow them to visit without me.

Mandated reporters are people who are legally required to report suspected child abuse to authorities - teachers, school bus drivers, and many others.

At least in VA a single quick spank is not considered child abuse (repeated spanking or spanking with an object is IIRC).

[Anonymous]

I was spanked exactly once. I remember it very well. I was about 7. I have not forgiven my mother. It didn't hurt much but being forced into submission physically left a very deep wound and a determination that I was going to forge my own path. To this day, we have a difficult relationship, and I am 100% sure that's the moment I lost my faith in her.

SO, no, I would not allow your parents near the kids, if I were you.

[Anonymous]

What would we do? You've already done it. You won't let your parents be with your kids unattended. The only thing to do now is make sure your kids know that in the future if an adult hits them, they are to come tell you right away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids should be spanked more often than they are.

Children should not be spanked. It goes against everything that is current.

https://www.npr.org/2018/11/11/666646403/the-american-academy-of-pediatrics-on-spanking-children-dont-do-it-ever#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20AAP%2C%20research,is%20humiliating%2C%20scary%20or%20threatening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sons told me last night that last summer, when I was on a work trip and my husband was working, my parents spanked them after they didn't eat their dinner. I am not surprised (my parents have a terrible temper and this is totally something they would do when frustrated). They told me that they didn't tell me that this happened because they knew I would not let them go to my parents' house unattended. My son said they "slapped him on his bottom real quick". We don't hit or spank. I brought it up with my dad and he admitted it but acted like it was "funny" and that I was "making everything a big deal". What would you do? I told my parents they can no longer be with the boys unattended if this is how they are going to act. For what it's worth, they are both mandated reporters.

Free babysitting, you don't get to complain. Also, my house and my rules. Next time hire a babysitter and stop mooching off your parents.

[Anonymous]

So I don’t spank but I’m not judgy about people who do. Having said that, snacking a kid for not eating is not in any way productive. The fact they spanked gif that would concern me. I would make it k own you don’t want it to happen again.