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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Sounds more like a swat than a spanking.  I would not be happy but I wouldn't go nuclear on them either.

I would tell the boys "that's how I was disciplined growing up but it's not how your father and I want you to be disciplined, and I'm sorry it happened to you.  You need to obey grandma and grandpa when you're at their house but they should never hit you."

Then I would have a conversation with my parents saying "I know you don't view it as abusive but thinking has changed on this topic.  If you say you won't do it again we can move on, although I would appreciate it if you also apologized to the boys.  If you think that this boundary is not something you can respect, I can't let you watch them unsupervised."[/quote]

But they can’t respect the boundary!   Why give them another chance to hit the kids?    And over not eating dinner - no safety involved or anything, just a need to control the kids.  [/quote]

She didn't set the boundary until after it happened, so you can't say they "can't" respect it.  They did not transgress a boundary that was not there.  She knew they were spankers and had them watch her kid without telling them spanking was not allowed.  If she tells them they can never spank her kids again and they disagree, then no more grandparent time.  But just scoffing at her the first time she brings it up is not refusing to follow her boundaries.  [/quote]

Where do you get that she didn't set the boundary before it happened? She says she wasn't surprised because of her own experience growing up, but also everyone kept it a secret from her for a long time even though that's absolutely something that normally would be discussed when mom returned ("oh the boys were acting up at dinner so I gave them a little swat" or whatever). If OP's parents didn't think the spanking was a problem, why wasn't the boys behavior mentioned at the time?

The fact that it was kept a secret (that the kids had to keep! that's a huge problem) demonstrates that everyone knew OP was not okay with it at the time. It wasn't an after-the-fact switch. [/quote]

The kids kept it a secret, not the grandparents, and not at the grandparents' request.  She never said they told the kids to keep it quiet, just that the kids knew mom and dad would be upset so they didn't mention it.  The grandparents didn't see it as anything worthy of reporting - kids acted badly, got disciplined, it's over.  Like you said, it was just not eating dinner one time, not something big enough to be reported upon pickup.  If you don't think swatting is a evil act, you just see it as basic discipline, then you don't have to hide it or report it.  It's part of childcare.

I get that she didn't set the boundary because she never said she set the boundary.  Then she said she wasn't surprised because of their temper.  Do you really think that if she was worried about spanking and[i] told them in advance that it was unacceptable[/i] and it happened anyway, she wouldn't have mentioned that fact in the OP?[/quote]

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