Kids told me my parents spanked them

[Anonymous]

My sons told me last night that last summer, when I was on a work trip and my husband was working, my parents spanked them after they didn't eat their dinner. I am not surprised (my parents have a terrible temper and this is totally something they would do when frustrated). They told me that they didn't tell me that this happened because they knew I would not let them go to my parents' house unattended. My son said they "slapped him on his bottom real quick". We don't hit or spank. I brought it up with my dad and he admitted it but acted like it was "funny" and that I was "making everything a big deal". What would you do? I told my parents they can no longer be with the boys unattended if this is how they are going to act. For what it's worth, they are both mandated reporters.

[Anonymous]

Kids should be spanked more often than they are.

[Anonymous]

The boys can’t be alone with your parents. The end. They need you to protect them.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what “mandated reporters” means but I would be furious if anyone stuck my children! I absolutely would tell my kids what grandparents did was wrong and not allow them to visit without me.

[Anonymous]

I'd do the same thing you did, OP. I'm so sorry. Extra frustrating that your boys kept it from you specifically because they knew it would mean they'd see their grandparents less. I think I'd have some extra conversations with my kids to more fully explain why I wasn't okay with what my parents did and why this means no more unaccompanied visits.

I might also question if my parents had TOLD my kids not to tell me, and said something like "if you do, your mommy won't let you visit us as often." This is 100% something my mom would do even though not only have I explained we never, ever spank our kids, but that we do not keep secrets in our family. I would be bothered by the fact that it took a long time to come out, and I'd explain to my parents that THEY should have been the ones to tell me, and reiterate that it's never okay to ask my kids to keep a secret from me. Honestly, this might bother me more than the spanking at this point because the long term consequences of encouraging children to conceal something like this are really bad.

[Anonymous]

If the spanking doesn’t surprise you and it sounds exactly like the parents you’ve always known, why were they allowed to babysit your kids for days in the first place? If you felt like you had no other choice because you were desperate for childcare, then what will you do the next time you’re equally desperate for childcare? This reads like you decided to take the gamble that your kids would be exposed to your parents’ tempers out of convenience, but now want to save face by showing how serious you are about protecting your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids should be spanked more often than they are.

+1

If they were staying with your parents while you were on a work trip, and they didn't eat dinner, spanking is a great response but it's not terrible either. The kids certainly weren't behaving well.

[Anonymous]

Sounds more like a swat than a spanking. I would not be happy but I wouldn't go nuclear on them either.

I would tell the boys "that's how I was disciplined growing up but it's not how your father and I want you to be disciplined, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You need to obey grandma and grandpa when you're at their house but they should never hit you."

Then I would have a conversation with my parents saying "I know you don't view it as abusive but thinking has changed on this topic. If you say you won't do it again we can move on, although I would appreciate it if you also apologized to the boys. If you think that this boundary is not something you can respect, I can't let you watch them unsupervised."

[Anonymous]

I believe it's occasionally more efficient and not traumatic to smack bottoms - not hard - rather than explain and do a time-out or take away toys, but I do not want anyone else to discipline my kids in this way, because I want to decide myself whether something is time-out worthy or spank-worthy, and depending on the person, they might not know their strength and hit too hard. Also, it's not a good idea for kids to accept that any adult can touch them in unwanted ways.

My parents spanked me as a child (not hard, they would never want to cause me physical pain), and I knew they would do the same for my kids if they misbehaved, so I had a conversation with them about not doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kids should be spanked more often than they are.

+1

If they were staying with your parents while you were on a work trip, and they didn't eat dinner, spanking is a great response but it's not terrible either. The kids certainly weren't behaving well.

What does hitting someone for bot eating achieve? They become afraid of you hitting them? Not eating dinner is just not eating dinner. Being hungry until the next morning is a perfect consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the spanking doesn’t surprise you and it sounds exactly like the parents you’ve always known, why were they allowed to babysit your kids for days in the first place? If you felt like you had no other choice because you were desperate for childcare, then what will you do the next time you’re equally desperate for childcare? This reads like you decided to take the gamble that your kids would be exposed to your parents’ tempers out of convenience, but now want to save face by showing how serious you are about protecting your kids.

Not OP but I've personally struggled with this. My parents are very different now than when I was a kid. I have seen them with my nieces and nephews and I've never seen them lose their temper with them or touch them inappropriately. And my mom begs for time with my DD, begs to babysit. So I did allow it a few times. But then there was an incident with my mom insisting on doing DD's hair even though DD didn't want her too and was crying and miserable. After that we never did it again. She didn't hit her, thankfully, but it was enough of a transgression for me that I decided I couldn't do it. My siblings still do it all the time though. That's their choice.

My point is that it might sound very straightforward but it's different when you are dealing with real people and your parents are almost unrecognizable from the tyrants they were when you were a child. And I also felt pressure to almost reward my parents for having changed, because it is true that they understand what they did when we were little was wrong (or at least my mom does, she has apologized to me for it). But at the end of the day, I decided my kids' wellbeing is most important, even if it means making my parents feel bad. C'est la vie. But it was touch and I get how OP wound up in this crappy situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what “mandated reporters” means but I would be furious if anyone stuck my children! I absolutely would tell my kids what grandparents did was wrong and not allow them to visit without me.

Mandated reporters are people who are legally required to report suspected child abuse to authorities - teachers, school bus drivers, and many others.

[Anonymous]

I was spanked a handful of times growing up but it was for egregious stuff. I can actually tell you in my 40s when and and why it happened.

My mom would never, ever spank my kids, and never for something as trivial as not eating dinner. If you think your parents would follow a “no spanking” rule, great. If not, they can’t be with your kids unsupervised.

PS - a spanking that doesn’t leave marks isn’t reportable abuse, so them being mandated reporters means nothing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds more like a swat than a spanking. I would not be happy but I wouldn't go nuclear on them either.

I would tell the boys "that's how I was disciplined growing up but it's not how your father and I want you to be disciplined, and I'm sorry it happened to you. You need to obey grandma and grandpa when you're at their house but they should never hit you."

Then I would have a conversation with my parents saying "I know you don't view it as abusive but thinking has changed on this topic. If you say you won't do it again we can move on, although I would appreciate it if you also apologized to the boys. If you think that this boundary is not something you can respect, I can't let you watch them unsupervised."

But they can’t respect the boundary! Why give them another chance to hit the kids? And over not eating dinner - no safety involved or anything, just a need to control the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the spanking doesn’t surprise you and it sounds exactly like the parents you’ve always known, why were they allowed to babysit your kids for days in the first place? If you felt like you had no other choice because you were desperate for childcare, then what will you do the next time you’re equally desperate for childcare? This reads like you decided to take the gamble that your kids would be exposed to your parents’ tempers out of convenience, but now want to save face by showing how serious you are about protecting your kids.

Not OP but I've personally struggled with this. My parents are very different now than when I was a kid. I have seen them with my nieces and nephews and I've never seen them lose their temper with them or touch them inappropriately. And my mom begs for time with my DD, begs to babysit. So I did allow it a few times. But then there was an incident with my mom insisting on doing DD's hair even though DD didn't want her too and was crying and miserable. After that we never did it again. She didn't hit her, thankfully, but it was enough of a transgression for me that I decided I couldn't do it. My siblings still do it all the time though. That's their choice.

My point is that it might sound very straightforward but it's different when you are dealing with real people and your parents are almost unrecognizable from the tyrants they were when you were a child. And I also felt pressure to almost reward my parents for having changed, because it is true that they understand what they did when we were little was wrong (or at least my mom does, she has apologized to me for it). But at the end of the day, I decided my kids' wellbeing is most important, even if it means making my parents feel bad. C'est la vie. But it was touch and I get how OP wound up in this crappy situation.

That makes sense. I’m sorry for what you endured as a child and I’m sorry your mom didn’t do better with your dd.