Husband blows up whenever he gets upset

[Anonymous]

Anybody remember Dr Laura on talk radio (years ago)? Anyway, a caller had the same issue as you OP. Dr Laura asked if your spouse was pulled over by the police, how would he react? Would he be respectful or would he over react like he does with you and then blame the cop for his reaction? Your DH is choosing to blame you for his bad, and frankly abusive, behavior. Insist that he get help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I guess where I struggle is in a sense he would not do these things unless he responded to a negative stimuli. I guess some women might be overall better than I am. So he does have a point on some ways. I am trying to understand the balance. The problem is some of these things are so trivial. But if I ask him to not forget to do something - he normally forgets because he is depressed so he does not like thinking about logistics anymore he tells me his mind is elsewhere and he cannot control it - he can blow up out of proportion.

Girl, no.

He is a grown man and can control his reaction. None of the above are acceptable.

+1 OP nobody gets to go through life never being annoyed. Annoyance or frustration isn't a pass to scream or lash out at someone or slam things (or throw things, since that's also apparently in his repertoire). Don't make excuses for him.

[Anonymous]

This is not normal behavior.

[Anonymous]

OP you need to start seeing a therapist on your own. Your husband’s behavior is his own - it’s not on you to control it. If you feel like you acted inappropriately from time to time, you can work on that - but because it’s not how YOU want to behave. NOT because of your husband’s reaction. His reaction is 100% his responsibility.

A therapist can help you figure out what are appropriate boundaries and responses to a blow up.

[Anonymous]

He throws things at you?!

You're being physically abused. You need to leave him. Yesterday!

[Anonymous]

OP: he only did it twice over the course of a year when he was very upset in the context of a bugger fight. I know he is depressed and has anger management problems. He took medicine and went to a therapist. It is unfortunately not working. He does feel bad that he threw stuff.

On an ongoing basis though he finds that blow ups are justified if I have upset him with something.

[Anonymous]

In addition to seeing a therapist, he should have a full work-up by a decent internist. Since the behavior is relatively new, they should run blood-work and check him out. Behavioral changes are often the first sign of biochemical changes that are occurring in his body. Many of the changes can be treated easily and well if detected early. Anything from going from borderline to full high blood pressure, to hormonal changes to glandular malfunctions or something more serious. But he should have a full physical with an MD that is aware that he has had significant behavioral changes over the last year (and since the birth of his first child).

While, it may be tied to his depression, it may not be and he really needs to get checked sooner rather than later.

[Anonymous]

OP: what can they find for the checkup. They did a thyroid check and it was fine.

[Anonymous]

OP: It is not your problem if your behaviors are suddenly annoying your DH. Nothing justifies yelling at another adult and putting them down. If your DH truly thinks that you're too annoying to live with, he needs to leave. The only other option is for him to work on not being triggered.

At most, the only thing you can do is give him enough space to figure out his own mental health. But he has zero right to antagonize you.

[Anonymous]

DH sounds like a baby but OP sounds condescending the way she explained why utensils are important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH sounds like a baby but OP sounds condescending the way she explained why utensils are important.

How would you phrase it?

[Anonymous]

OP: when you annoy your spouses, how do they respond?

[Anonymous]

Men like that don't get any better. Do you want to spend the rest of your life living like that? And do you want your child to grow up thinking that's normal? I would make an exit plan.

[Anonymous]

Your spouse became annoyed because you asked him to use a baby spoon! This is nuts.. He needs help or things will get worse.

[Anonymous]

You are being emotionally abused. NO ONE deserves to be treated that like. He has manipulated you into thinking that his blow ups are your fault.

Does any of this sound familiar?
--Calling you names, insulting you, or constantly criticizing you.
--Acting jealous or possessive or refusing to trust you
--Isolating you from family, friends, or other people in your life.
--Monitoring your activities with or without your knowledge, including demanding to know where you go, who you contact, and how you spend your time.
--Attempting to control what you wear, including clothes, makeup, or hairstyles.
--Humiliating you in any way, especially in front of others.
--Gaslighting you by pretending not to understand or refusing to listen to you; questioning your recollection of facts, events, or sources; trivializing your needs or feelings; or denying previous statements or promises.
--Threatening you, your children, your family, or your pets (with or without weapons).
--Damaging your belongings, including throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.
--Blaming you for their abusive behaviors.
--Accusing you of cheating, or cheating themselves and blaming you for their actions.
--Cheating on you to intentionally hurt you and threatening to cheat again to suggest that they’re “better” than you.
--Telling you that you’re lucky to be with them or that you’ll never find someone better.

Please seek help and counseling.

Here are a few resources:
DC Victim Hotline - 844-443-5732
Montgomery County Family Justice Center: 240-773-0444
Arlington County: 703-237-0881
Fairfax County: 703-360-7273
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
800-799-7233
Chat online at thehotline.org
text "start" to 88788