Husband blows up whenever he gets upset

[Anonymous]

Whenever something upsets my husband - he has a blowup. It mostly relates to me - like today, I asked him to give feed the baby vegetables and give the baby the spoon because I read it’s helpful to expose him to utensils even if he’s not 2 years old yet to learn about it. He stormed out of the living room and into the bedroom with the baby there seeing him. This weekend he had a blowup because he was agitated because the baby fell. We were on a walk and he stormed with the stroller and started calling me names. Anything that upsets him, he blows up. Then he tells me he is justified because I annoyed him. He suffers from depression but the depression is treatment resistant. Yes, I know that sometimes I annoy him. I am
Still not sure he should react this way but he tells me it’s because he is annoyed that he reacts this way and because I provoke him. I refrain as much as I ca from bringing up topics that I know we disagree with for fear of his blowups. But yes, I acknowledge that of course he does not just come into the living room and blow up most of the time. It’s in response to something that is sub-optimal. I still don’t think it’s normal. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

I think the answer here depends on if this is a new phenomenon and out of character, or he was always like this.

[Anonymous]

OP: He has been like this for the past year.

[Anonymous]

Cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: He has been like this for the past year.

So he’s been like this basically since you had the baby, but he wasn’t like this before? I’d suggest counseling to help you guys get through this stressful time. He needs help managing his emotions. Blowing up at you is NEVER okay.

[Anonymous]

He suffers from depression. He tells me that rage is not ok in the sense that when he gets really annoyed he has thrown things at me and has admitted that is too mucin. But calling me names, mocking me and storming out of the room / slamming doors, he says I provoke him through my annoying behavior. So he says it’s in direct response to that. Again, he can become very agitated easily. The other week I put the laundry on too late. He got very annoyed at me. When I responded in an annoyed fashion to his annoyance he said he hates me and he wants to get a divorce.

[Anonymous]

Op We JUST went through this with my DH. He was an amazing partner for 12 years before and it was SO unexpected and out of character (he even agreed so). This began June 2020 for us. He went to see our PCP who offered him zoloft and said that many have been struggling with the new (at that time) pandemic. Dh didnt want to jump into meds so we get a referral for a therapist. He HATED the therapist but continued going for 4 weeks until we were able to secure an appointment with another one. He began seeing the second therapist in August 2020 and still sees him every single week. He was diagnosed with stress reactive disorder (pandemic, working from home, new baby, etc). It has been a complete night and day. I have my loving, level headed husband husband back, the kids have their patient dad, and Dh genuinely ENJOYS therapy.

There's hope!

[Anonymous]

Anxiety. Get him on some anti anxiety meds to take the edge off. Therapy too, as PP suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He suffers from depression. He tells me that rage is not ok in the sense that when he gets really annoyed he has thrown things at me and has admitted that is too mucin. But calling me names, mocking me and storming out of the room / slamming doors, he says I provoke him through my annoying behavior. So he says it’s in direct response to that. Again, he can become very agitated easily. The other week I put the laundry on too late. He got very annoyed at me. When I responded in an annoyed fashion to his annoyance he said he hates me and he wants to get a divorce.

It sounds like depression. This is a very stressful time with Covid AND baby. The stress will decrease with the baby as he grows, but your DH should probably get some meds before it destroys your family or spreads to you. Depression is contagious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He suffers from depression. He tells me that rage is not ok in the sense that when he gets really annoyed he has thrown things at me and has admitted that is too mucin. But calling me names, mocking me and storming out of the room / slamming doors, he says I provoke him through my annoying behavior. So he says it’s in direct response to that. Again, he can become very agitated easily. The other week I put the laundry on too late. He got very annoyed at me. When I responded in an annoyed fashion to his annoyance he said he hates me and he wants to get a divorce.

Him calling you names, mocking you, storming out of the room/slamming doors is abusive. And no matter your "annoying behavior" you do not deserve it.

[Anonymous]

OP: I guess where I struggle is in a sense he would not do these things unless he responded to a negative stimuli. I guess some women might be overall better than I am. So he does have a point on some ways. I am trying to understand the balance. The problem is some of these things are so trivial. But if I ask him to not forget to do something - he normally forgets because he is depressed so he does not like thinking about logistics anymore he tells me his mind is elsewhere and he cannot control it - he can blow up out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He suffers from depression. He tells me that rage is not ok in the sense that when he gets really annoyed he has thrown things at me and has admitted that is too mucin. But calling me names, mocking me and storming out of the room / slamming doors, he says I provoke him through my annoying behavior. So he says it’s in direct response to that. Again, he can become very agitated easily. The other week I put the laundry on too late. He got very annoyed at me. When I responded in an annoyed fashion to his annoyance he said he hates me and he wants to get a divorce.

Him calling you names, mocking you, storming out of the room/slamming doors is abusive. And no matter your "annoying behavior" you do not deserve it.

guy here - +1 it's more than just "not okay". he needs to realize the behavior, agree that it's bad (not just unhealthy) and agree to find a solution - therapist, medication, etc. another PP shared her good experience so there is hope.

but this is just not acceptable on many levels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He suffers from depression. He tells me that rage is not ok in the sense that when he gets really annoyed he has thrown things at me and has admitted that is too mucin. But calling me names, mocking me and storming out of the room / slamming doors, he says I provoke him through my annoying behavior. So he says it’s in direct response to that. Again, he can become very agitated easily. The other week I put the laundry on too late. He got very annoyed at me. When I responded in an annoyed fashion to his annoyance he said he hates me and he wants to get a divorce.

Him calling you names, mocking you, storming out of the room/slamming doors is abusive. And no matter your "annoying behavior" you do not deserve it.

guy here - +1 it's more than just "not okay". he needs to realize the behavior, agree that it's bad (not just unhealthy) and agree to find a solution - therapist, medication, etc. another PP shared her good experience so there is hope.

but this is just not acceptable on many levels.

+2 this, I’m not sure why you are rationalizing and taking co-dependent responsibility for his behavior. You can only clean up your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He suffers from depression. He tells me that rage is not ok in the sense that when he gets really annoyed he has thrown things at me and has admitted that is too mucin. But calling me names, mocking me and storming out of the room / slamming doors, he says I provoke him through my annoying behavior. So he says it’s in direct response to that. Again, he can become very agitated easily. The other week I put the laundry on too late. He got very annoyed at me. When I responded in an annoyed fashion to his annoyance he said he hates me and he wants to get a divorce.

Both of you go to individual therapy. Him to stop the above abusive behaviors and you to learn how to set boundaries.

If he can't change and stop it then you divorce him.

You need ironclad birth control right now. Do not have another child with this man under these circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I guess where I struggle is in a sense he would not do these things unless he responded to a negative stimuli. I guess some women might be overall better than I am. So he does have a point on some ways. I am trying to understand the balance. The problem is some of these things are so trivial. But if I ask him to not forget to do something - he normally forgets because he is depressed so he does not like thinking about logistics anymore he tells me his mind is elsewhere and he cannot control it - he can blow up out of proportion.

Girl, no.

He is a grown man and can control his reaction. None of the above are acceptable.