Another In-law saga - looking for advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll suggest that maybe instead of a phone call to thank them for the gifts they send, send them written thank yous and drawings *from your kids,* also plastered generously with all those stickers they got. Include photos of the kids playing with the toys or wearing the clothes.

Then they may stop asking about the gifts because they’ll have the physical evidence in their own home. They can then bring up the lovely picture your DD sent them and how they liked it so much they put it up on the refrigerator so they can see it every day.

If it’s too much work for you, have your DH do it.

This is excellent advice.

And stop looking for things to whine about, OP. It's a bad look on an adult woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll suggest that maybe instead of a phone call to thank them for the gifts they send, send them written thank yous and drawings *from your kids,* also plastered generously with all those stickers they got. Include photos of the kids playing with the toys or wearing the clothes.

Then they may stop asking about the gifts because they’ll have the physical evidence in their own home. They can then bring up the lovely picture your DD sent them and how they liked it so much they put it up on the refrigerator so they can see it every day.

If it’s too much work for you, have your DH do it.

This is excellent advice.

And stop looking for things to whine about, OP. It's a bad look on an adult woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s odd that you let your parents see them often, but not your in-laws.

**The MIL has entered the chat**

[Anonymous]

Ignore the comments as much as possible. Right now you are falling over yourself to express how much everyone loves the crap. Stop doing that.

Have your DH manage ALL steps related to gifts etc. He needs to call and have the kids thank them, he can send thank you notes, he can do EVERYTHING related to that. Don't remind him, don't nag, just tell him you are not doing it anymore.

Chance are he won't be thankful enough and they'll slow the pace of stuff without the positive feedback.

My MIL very much wants to buy my kid's love too. It usually backfires because they feel SO much pressure that instead they sort of crumple and avoid stuff she gives them. Ex: a cool trike she bought my 3 year old. She put so much pressure on him to "ride it for grandma!" that he refused to even get on it. She huffed about him being ungrateful under her breath (she knows better than to say that sh*t out loud with me around) and I didn't force him to ride it. I let him go inside. If I was close to her I'd just say "he's three years old" and walk away.

I only intervene when I think the pressure is too much for my kids. If my kids don't like her because of the pressure, that's on her, not me. As they've gotten older she has learned cool experiences are a good way to win them over AND get to spend time with them. This is a huge win for everyone. She gets the positive "grandma is cool" feedback she wants, I get an afternoon off from the kids and I get out of spending time with her, and the kids get to do something cool I don't wanna pay for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll suggest that maybe instead of a phone call to thank them for the gifts they send, send them written thank yous and drawings *from your kids,* also plastered generously with all those stickers they got. Include photos of the kids playing with the toys or wearing the clothes.

Then they may stop asking about the gifts because they’ll have the physical evidence in their own home. They can then bring up the lovely picture your DD sent them and how they liked it so much they put it up on the refrigerator so they can see it every day.

If it’s too much work for you, have your DH do it.

Nah, you will just reinforce the boundary violation if you do this. You asked them to tone down the gifts and they ignored it.It's rude to impose crap on people. They are trying to buy love and admiration. If they insist on being showered with more attention for material things remind them the gift is quality time not things. Then stay neutral. If you get angry about the gifts, they got a reaction. If you thank them 12 times and do written notes and drawings after you told them to tone it down you tell them it's OK to boundary stomp.

They are being emotionally immature and the gift thing is "love bombing" a classic narcissist tactic. Doesn't mean they are narcissist, just that they have some traits just like many people. That said, they should not see or hear about your time with your parents. It's cruel and hurts their feelings. Take the high road, be polite, but detached and keep your boundaries. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s odd that you let your parents see them often, but not your in-laws.

**The MIL has entered the chat**

LOL dying. I keep seeing this response on posts and it is the perfect addition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ll suggest that maybe instead of a phone call to thank them for the gifts they send, send them written thank yous and drawings *from your kids,* also plastered generously with all those stickers they got. Include photos of the kids playing with the toys or wearing the clothes.

Then they may stop asking about the gifts because they’ll have the physical evidence in their own home. They can then bring up the lovely picture your DD sent them and how they liked it so much they put it up on the refrigerator so they can see it every day.

If it’s too much work for you, have your DH do it.

DP. This is too much work for the kids, especially in response to gifts that weren't wanted in the first place. You don't get to ignore people's requests to receive fewer gifts and then get mad that they aren't sufficiently grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe you can encourage the to give experiences as gifts.

While everyone wishes grandparents would do this, I've never once known it to actually work. Grandparents (or maybe just boomers?) want to send crap, not take kids on outings or even pay for piano lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ll suggest that maybe instead of a phone call to thank them for the gifts they send, send them written thank yous and drawings *from your kids,* also plastered generously with all those stickers they got. Include photos of the kids playing with the toys or wearing the clothes.

Then they may stop asking about the gifts because they’ll have the physical evidence in their own home. They can then bring up the lovely picture your DD sent them and how they liked it so much they put it up on the refrigerator so they can see it every day.

If it’s too much work for you, have your DH do it.

DP. This is too much work for the kids, especially in response to gifts that weren't wanted in the first place. You don't get to ignore people's requests to receive fewer gifts and then get mad that they aren't sufficiently grateful.

Most five year olds love to draw and paint. They’re learning how to write and love to practice. Using crayons, markers, pencils and paintbrushes are good for developing their fine motor skills. OP can take any drawn picture laying around, any artwork from school, and either have DD write “Thank you Grandma!” on it if she’s able or just write it herself and mail it. You’ll be fostering the connection between grandchild and grandparent and teaching your kids social skills — like how to say thank you. When is a good time to begin?