Another In-law saga - looking for advice

[Anonymous]

The relationship with my in-laws is complex. They are self-centered and living in their own world (DH's words). They love our children but want to see them when it's convenient to their schedule and give us so much grief if it doesn't work for us. We do see my parents often and they're very jealous and often make rude and unnecessary comments, so I know that is altering my opinion of them. They are constantly sending our kids gifts (after we asked them to tone it down) and then say things like "don't you love me because I sent you X" That's not how we're raising our kids. My MIL is looking for self validation through my 5 year old. She only wants to talk about the clothes or toys she sent her. When we receive these gifts, we call and say thank you and move on but she constantly brings it up. For example, my daughter showed her a sticker on her hand the other day and MIL says "well, what about the stickers I sent you, Aren't they great, don't you love them?"

My DH has accepted this is who his parents are but it drives me insane. Am I overreacting? 

[Anonymous]

Narcisists? But, both of them? Insecure? Anxiety? Grew up without love and don't know how to express love and care?
The only get together when it works for them is so common on dcum that it is not even registering. Boomers, I presume?
Insecure, depressed, nasty people, that is how it sounds like and also emotionally immature hence seeking some emotional approval from young kids.
Don't have any advice. FIL is the same, asked me the other day why would my kids go to my home town, for what reason. I said to see their grandma. He was like, what for.

[Anonymous]

I think you just train your kids to thank them for their gifts and keep it moving. They don't see your kids as much so they try to stay fresh in their mind with presents. I understand you don't want to "raise your kids that way" but having one set of grandparents that send you stickers is not the make or break for spoiled or materialistic kids. It's annoying but not a real in-law problem, let alone saga, in the grand scheme of things.

[Anonymous]

You should ask them for a dictionary, so you can look up what saga means. Hint - this ain't it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you just train your kids to thank them for their gifts and keep it moving. They don't see your kids as much so they try to stay fresh in their mind with presents. I understand you don't want to "raise your kids that way" but having one set of grandparents that send you stickers is not the make or break for spoiled or materialistic kids. It's annoying but not a real in-law problem, let alone saga, in the grand scheme of things.

If you can read, it was said that was just one example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcisists? But, both of them? Insecure? Anxiety? Grew up without love and don't know how to express love and care?
The only get together when it works for them is so common on dcum that it is not even registering. Boomers, I presume?
Insecure, depressed, nasty people, that is how it sounds like and also emotionally immature hence seeking some emotional approval from young kids.
Don't have any advice. FIL is the same, asked me the other day why would my kids go to my home town, for what reason. I said to see their grandma. He was like, what for.

OP here. Emotionally immature hits the nail on the head!

[Anonymous]

Stop telling them about your kids hanging out with your parents. Block them from seeing your social media pics of you all out to lunch. That will help with the jealousy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop telling them about your kids hanging out with your parents. Block them from seeing your social media pics of you all out to lunch. That will help with the jealousy.

We don't post pictures of our kids on social media at all and don't tell them. My daughter will occasionally mention outings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The relationship with my in-laws is complex. They are self-centered and living in their own world (DH's words). They love our children but want to see them when it's convenient to their schedule and give us so much grief if it doesn't work for us. We do see my parents often and they're very jealous and often make rude and unnecessary comments, so I know that is altering my opinion of them. They are constantly sending our kids gifts (after we asked them to tone it down) and then say things like "don't you love me because I sent you X" That's not how we're raising our kids. My MIL is looking for self validation through my 5 year old. She only wants to talk about the clothes or toys she sent her. When we receive these gifts, we call and say thank you and move on but she constantly brings it up. For example, my daughter showed her a sticker on her hand the other day and MIL says "well, what about the stickers I sent you, Aren't they great, don't you love them?"

My DH has accepted this is who his parents are but it drives me insane. Am I overreacting? 

Yes, and you're also overreacting to people in the thread telling you you're overreacting. This is not a saga; this barely registers as a complaint. You are looking for things to be upset about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You should ask them for a dictionary, so you can look up what saga means. Hint - this ain't it.

I was looking for advice, not a snarky response.

[Anonymous]

OP, you may not be overreacting but you're definitely part of the problem. Stop creating drama by rubbing their noses into the fact that your kids spend more time with your parents than them. Make a greater effort to be fair and equitable and polite. Don't model bad behavior for your kids. Remember, some day you are likely to be an in law some day.

[Anonymous]

It’s odd that you let your parents see them often, but not your in-laws.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you may not be overreacting but you're definitely part of the problem. Stop creating drama by rubbing their noses into the fact that your kids spend more time with your parents than them. Make a greater effort to be fair and equitable and polite. Don't model bad behavior for your kids. Remember, some day you are likely to be an in law some day.

This.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can encourage the to give experiences as gifts.

[Anonymous]

I’ll suggest that maybe instead of a phone call to thank them for the gifts they send, send them written thank yous and drawings *from your kids,* also plastered generously with all those stickers they got. Include photos of the kids playing with the toys or wearing the clothes.

Then they may stop asking about the gifts because they’ll have the physical evidence in their own home. They can then bring up the lovely picture your DD sent them and how they liked it so much they put it up on the refrigerator so they can see it every day.

If it’s too much work for you, have your DH do it.