The phone rings both ways

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have nothing but empathy, my parents are the same. I think part of it is generational. They grew up in a time where a lot of deference was given to "elders" and feel that now they are the elders we owe it to them to do things like call and that they shouldn't have to initiate. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but as noted by others, we aren't going to change them. Like you, I gently remind my parents that things get busy but they can always call when they want talk and I will call back when I can.

Totally this. They want the ceremony.

They expect us to bend the knee at the altar of grandparent, since they did the same and feel that it is owed to them. My parents also expect that I will bring my child to them on a silver platter instead of them ever coming to us. They are retired, active, live 35 mins away and go all over the place. But somehow, their cars don't work in the direction of my house. We invite them frequently and there is always an excuse about why that day/time doesn't work for them - and it is usually something totally flexible, like "oh, next Tuesday doesn't work for us, we were thinking we might go to the nursery to look at plants." Then they will get really huffy when they demand I come over at say 9am on a Saturday and I say, no, child has soccer game at that time, but we would be glad to meet up afterward and then I get huffy responses about well, it is just so hard to get on our calendar.

[Anonymous]

I don't suggest this but don't you wish you could ask if your sister's kids remember them as I don't think they've called in a while.

[Anonymous]

My parents were like this: it's "we are the parents and it's your duty to call us.' I didn't know my grandmother news dying because I usually called my parents once a week and they refused to call me.

[Anonymous]

If you’re busy and you tell them so, I would imagine they don’t want to bother you at a bad time. Why not just reply, “We’re available on Thursday evenings if you’d like to call.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re busy and you tell them so, I would imagine they don’t want to bother you at a bad time. Why not just reply, “We’re available on Thursday evenings if you’d like to call.”

This attitude is so annoying. If it’s a bad time, I don’t pick up the phone, and I call back as soon as I can. Why is this so hard? Why are some people so afraid of *gasp* the other person occasionally not picking up?

[Anonymous]

The one how gives most is asked the most.

Always.

I'm a disrespectful child: when my parents annoy me, *I let them know in no uncertain terms.*

[Anonymous]

The one who gives is asked the most.

[Anonymous]

My parents try to give me the guilt how they never see or talk to the kids. It’s funny, they are all a lot alike. The kids are teens who are always on phones. So are my parents. I tell my parents to call, FaceTime or text them directly. They never do but still want me to FaceTime and have them sit next to me on the couch. That’s not happening. They all have each other’s cell numbers.

[Anonymous]

Generational. It was worse with my grandparents than it is with my parents. However, I call my parents and my ILs often. They are all in their 80s and I check in with them for just a few minutes most days. I modeled his behavior in front of DC and insist they talk quite regularly to them. IMO amily is family and you take the time to look out for each other. We don’t talk long but we talk often.
I am usually the one that calls because I am the busier person. I can select a time that works for me. Calls are most often made in the car. Parents and ILs will typically text me and wait for me to choose a time to call.
Honestly, this is a molehill don’t make it into a mountain.

[Anonymous]

My father is currently angry with me because I have not called him in a while … but he has also not tried to call me. Now I am even less interested in calling him because I don’t want to apologize for not calling. We are both adults and both responsible to maintain a relationship.

[Anonymous]

It may be a cultural thing where parents expect that the children will reach out take care of them all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“your Mom wonders if her grandchildren still remember her.”

I would reply "Comments like this need to STOP now. Please be respectful."

My mom does this too. Lately, I've begun to realize it is also a symptom of declining memory. She recently complained that she is 'never' invited for a particular annual event we have -- the only year she missed was when we cancelled it due to Covid. I had to send her photos of herself at the event every year to convince her that not only is she always invited, but she always came.

[Anonymous]

When I was growing up, long distance calls were expensive and so that’s why my parents had to always call my grandparents. Because grandparents were cheap. Now there’s really no excuse because it’s all free.

I absolutely hate FaceTime though. Im not willingly going to subject myself to that. And I hate when Dh is FaceTiming they all ask where I am and I have to come say hi.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have nothing but empathy, my parents are the same. I think part of it is generational. They grew up in a time where a lot of deference was given to "elders" and feel that now they are the elders we owe it to them to do things like call and that they shouldn't have to initiate. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but as noted by others, we aren't going to change them. Like you, I gently remind my parents that things get busy but they can always call when they want talk and I will call back when I can.

Totally this. They want the ceremony.

They expect us to bend the knee at the altar of grandparent, since they did the same and feel that it is owed to them. My parents also expect that I will bring my child to them on a silver platter instead of them ever coming to us. They are retired, active, live 35 mins away and go all over the place. But somehow, their cars don't work in the direction of my house. We invite them frequently and there is always an excuse about why that day/time doesn't work for them - and it is usually something totally flexible, like "oh, next Tuesday doesn't work for us, we were thinking we might go to the nursery to look at plants." Then they will get really huffy when they demand I come over at say 9am on a Saturday and I say, no, child has soccer game at that time, but we would be glad to meet up afterward and then I get huffy responses about well, it is just so hard to get on our calendar.

The grandparents want to be celebrated and feted and be the center of attention.

My widowed mom is the queen of scorekeeping; she will tell me which sibling she’s spoken to last (and which one she hasn’t heard from in x days). Then she will start our conversation with her reasons why she hasn’t heard from x sibling (to make herself feel better?) but then will become easily dismissive and exasperated about these “reasons for not calling.” “She has her kids in too many activities” or “his work schedule is unreal.”

If I haven’t called her in a (gasp) few days, I get the passive aggressive, “good to finally hear from you.” Or, if I have to curtail our conversation, I’ll get, “call me another time when you actually can talk - we’ll get caught up.” But the calls are pretty much as I’ve described: a report on what grandchild/my siblings/her friends are all currently doing - like I care.

[Anonymous]

I’d rather be the person who makes the call because then I control the timing and can make it convenient for me. And I do find it intrusive for people to call when I’m in the middle of something or to have the task of having to call back over my head if I missed the call. Don’t understand your complaint, OP.