The phone rings both ways

[Anonymous]

I call my parents frequently to check in, and FT so that they can see the grandkids at least once a week. I am the only one of my siblings who does this. My brother only calls when he needs something, and my sister rarely calls just because she gets busy and is a bit flaky. She has kids, too, and my parents rarely get to FT with them.

But that being said, my parents *never* initiate calls or FaceTime sessions, and seem to have forgotten that the phone rings both ways. It’s been a busy week as I prepare to go to ILs’ house five hours away for Thanksgiving, and immediately after have to prepare our home to host my sister and her family as there is a family wedding in our town, for which my girls are flower girls. I’m freaking busy, and I just get a text from my Dad saying that “your Mom wonders if her grandchildren still remember her.”

They do this every time the few, rare times I get busy and don’t call so frequently. They don’t say “please call,” and God forbid they actually pick up the phone and call me. What is that? Why do some people like if you don’t call, you’re failing them and are neglectful, instead of just picking up the damn phone and dialing whomever they want to call?!

My ILs do this, too. They say DH doesn’t call enough, and I’m like…why are you telling me? If you want to talk to Tim, dial his number. If you want him to call you, tell HIM, not me. Why do people try to put more burden and more pressure on the people who actually do call, connect and make efforts the most, and the ones who never call never get the guilt trips? Ugh, sorry for the vent.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. That’s so passive aggressive. But at least you recognize it as such.

No advice, just my empathy.

[Anonymous]

Yeah old people stand on ceremony with things like this. Annoying. Just tell your dad he and mom are always welcome to call.

[Anonymous]

That’s when you tell them that the phone rings both ways! Send them both a text telling them that sometimes you get a little busy and overwhelmed but they can call anytime and speak to their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Same! Even down to the point where my dad calls me to tell me my mom is upset I haven't called. It's such a weird dynamic. Neither my parents nor my inlaws call us. I'm really not into facetime though. My kids are young and hate it so much, they'd rather just talk on the phone.

I told my inlaws once to feel free to call me and I will put the kids on the phone. They said no, we'd prefer facetime. No thanks! I don't have time to manage factime when I'm cooking dinner/caring for the baby/trying to get kids asleep. Phone calls don't need me to babysit them.

[Anonymous]

I asked a therapist about his.

Do you call enough? Yes
What is the problem? They make me feel guilty that I don't.
Answer: You need to stop feeling guilty, you won't change them

So, I literally committed to never feeling guilty.

I call enough, I visit enough, I do enough.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks, all, for the commiseration. I did (and do when needed) just told my dad to feel free to call any time, and if I miss the call, I will return it when I can.

[Anonymous]

“your Mom wonders if her grandchildren still remember her.”

I would reply "Comments like this need to STOP now. Please be respectful."

[Anonymous]

I hope future grandparents are taking notes on this thread. This kind of unfair treatment makes me actually call my parents and ILs less. If my efforts aren’t sufficient, they can certainly stop. Especially with my MIL who is never satisfied or grateful and who always complains.

[Anonymous]

OP I have nothing but empathy, my parents are the same. I think part of it is generational. They grew up in a time where a lot of deference was given to "elders" and feel that now they are the elders we owe it to them to do things like call and that they shouldn't have to initiate. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but as noted by others, we aren't going to change them. Like you, I gently remind my parents that things get busy but they can always call when they want talk and I will call back when I can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I have nothing but empathy, my parents are the same. I think part of it is generational. They grew up in a time where a lot of deference was given to "elders" and feel that now they are the elders we owe it to them to do things like call and that they shouldn't have to initiate. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but as noted by others, we aren't going to change them. Like you, I gently remind my parents that things get busy but they can always call when they want talk and I will call back when I can.

Totally this. They want the ceremony.

[Anonymous]

It’s generational. Don’t take it personally.

[Anonymous]

Maybe they were trying to be funny. My parents say weird things like this and I think they think they are being clever or cute. Its like they're just not capable of saying we miss you or we want to know how you and the kids are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same! Even down to the point where my dad calls me to tell me my mom is upset I haven't called. It's such a weird dynamic. Neither my parents nor my inlaws call us. I'm really not into facetime though. My kids are young and hate it so much, they'd rather just talk on the phone.

I told my inlaws once to feel free to call me and I will put the kids on the phone. They said no, we'd prefer facetime. No thanks! I don't have time to manage factime when I'm cooking dinner/caring for the baby/trying to get kids asleep. Phone calls don't need me to babysit them.

My in laws do this to me. My FIL would call ME and tell me that DH doesn’t call MIL enough. It was sooo passive. The first time it happened I was so shocked and couldn’t say anything. The second time I told them to call DH.
They always complain we don’t call enough, which is true. But when we do call the phone call is about 7 minutes and then they just hang up even if they kids are trying to tell them something. But my in laws only call between dinner time and bedtime. I tell them call anytime but 5-7 is dinner and bedtime and just busy call any other time. They always call between 5 and 7.

[Anonymous]

“Your Mom wonders if her grandchildren still remember her.”

"I didn't know Mom broke her dialing finger. Did she need a cast or just a splint?"

My mom said something like this once, and I commiserated on her injured hand, and she laughed and said, "Fair point," and now we call each other.