Please weigh in about weird MIL and mom behavior

[Anonymous]

I don't think it seems that weird. Your mother is coming to see friends. She may not know how tired she will feel or whether she will feel like a visit or how long the visit with friends will go for so she may be leaving it to the last moment to call you. She isn't telling you about the trip as its to visit friends mainly. I think that's great for her. Or perhaps you have told her to visit anytime so she feels like she doesn't need a set appointment with you.

As for your MIL, it sounds like she has a stylist she loves and possibly other errands she runs. You could always say to her that next time she is in town to come and visit and then leave it with her. However a 3 hour drive to get there, 2-3 hours if she is getting a cut, colour and the works and then a 3 hour drive back, she probably doesn't want the day dragged out any longer. It would be tiring.

I don't see any of this being weird. I'm sure your MIL would love a stylist closer to home but a good one is sometimes hard to find.

[Anonymous]

It’s weird for them to tell you there were there. My MIL lives on the other side of the DMV area from us and she sometimes is in this area but never goes “oh I was nearby but I’m leaving now.”

[Anonymous]

It's a big city. They come to the big city. To do stuff. It's not all about you. However, they shouldn't be telling you. Except, I guess, they are afraid you'll hear about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s weird for them to tell you there were there. My MIL lives on the other side of the DMV area from us and she sometimes is in this area but never goes “oh I was nearby but I’m leaving now.”

I agree that this is the weird part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi DCUM! I'm feeling the need to ask for feedback about this as I find it so odd, but it is so similar between my mother and MIL that sometimes I wonder if I am missing something or if this is normal behavior?

We live 3 hours from my MIL, 5 hours from my mother. We have lived in this town (not DC) for 11 years, so they have visited frequently throughout the years and gotten to know our city well. The weird thing is, both MIL and mom will visit the city, without telling us ahead of time, and will not ask to see our kids or visit us when they are here. I work from home and would be available for a visit.
My MIL will approximately quarterly drive to get her hair done or shop in our city, then text on the way home that she was in town. My mother will stop in for a weekend to see her friends and only text as an afterthought, "Oh, I'm in town, can you bring the kids to the hotel to visit me?" (as we live 30 minutes south of the city in a rural area).

This is... not normal, right? Why do they do this? What the heck is that? Just....what? Why?

Not sure whether to be hurt, angry, sad, confused... all of the above?

Thanks, all!

Nope not normal .. weird mind games to text you after driving 5 hours to your town and not popping in … sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it seems that weird. Your mother is coming to see friends. She may not know how tired she will feel or whether she will feel like a visit or how long the visit with friends will go for so she may be leaving it to the last moment to call you. She isn't telling you about the trip as its to visit friends mainly. I think that's great for her. Or perhaps you have told her to visit anytime so she feels like she doesn't need a set appointment with you.

As for your MIL, it sounds like she has a stylist she loves and possibly other errands she runs. You could always say to her that next time she is in town to come and visit and then leave it with her. However a 3 hour drive to get there, 2-3 hours if she is getting a cut, colour and the works and then a 3 hour drive back, she probably doesn't want the day dragged out any longer. It would be tiring.

I don't see any of this being weird. I'm sure your MIL would love a stylist closer to home but a good one is sometimes hard to find.

NP.

Man, IDK.

The MIL scenario is semi-plausible/understandable BUT I still find it odd she wouldn't at least mention she'd be in town ahead of time so that OP and kids could possibly meet her for coffee/lunch in Big City. I'm thinking that vs visiting her, since that might add another hour r/t to her day full of driving. They might not be able to meet her, but it's a nice gesture? I guess I get that MIL has a whole day planned out-- for relaxation?-- and maybe she doesn't even want to see anyone. But I can't imagine my MIL or mother doing this, and my mom is a lower-energy introvert.

OTOH, OP's mother is there all weekend/overnight, and doesn't stay with OP (okay) and treats the kids like an afterthought. That's even stranger to me.

[Anonymous]

My parents do this to my sister explicitly to be mean and cruel but I don’t get that vibe from your post. (My parents once drove within 3 miles of my sister’s house 3 hours away from them, on my nephew’s first birthday, called to let her know they were nearby if she wanted to bring the kids to run errands with them, and when she declined due to it being his birthday and invited them to her house instead, they declined because they’re just too busy to stop for cake and only had a few vacation days left before they had to be back in the office and wanted to enjoy them.) How would they react if you brought the kids to an event in their cities, near them, and didn’t tell them you were near until on your way out of town? Would they be upset? I’m not suggesting you do it, just curious.

I agree with the others that they just want to do their agenda and not turn it into a big visit but they don’t know how to navigate that. They probably feel guilty for not making it into a visit, so they turn it back on you and make it your fault.

If there’s an organic way to work it into a conversation that you absolve them of any guilt, and that they’re allowed to come to your area without visiting every time, do that. Then you can work on the idea of them not broadcasting their drive by’s or last minute invites. I think it’s harsh to say they don’t want to see you, because it sounds so black and white. I’d probably phrase it more like, they wanted to have their event/plans happen without feeling obligated to turn it into a family visit.

I could be wrong though, maybe they’re just mean like my parents. But then your post would probably have been written: thank goodness I dodged a bullet. Mom/MIL were nearby and didn’t have time to visit.

[Anonymous]

I don't do last minute plans, ever. "Sorry - we can't do last minute plans. I wish you'd let me know you were coming to town so we could have arranged our weekend to make time for you. Next time let us know in advance!"

Yes, they're weird to do it this way.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's odd and my parents do the same thing. I even had friends of mine run into them and see them at dinner and told me about it.

It really hurts my feelings. I don't know why mine do it. I never tell my kids that they were in town.

[Anonymous]

I even had friends of mine run into them and see them at dinner and told me about it.

I guess this answers why they mention it at all

[Anonymous]

I think it's fine. My in-laws live in an interesting city within driving distance of us, and a couple of times we have gone there without telling them, because we want to be tourists in the city, and if they knew we were coming, they would insist on us staying with them, and spending lots of time with them, and all we would do is sit on the couch in their living room, just like we do when we visit for the holidays. We want to get out and do stuff by ourselves. I don't think anyone owes you a visit simply because they are in the same city for a brief period of time.

[Anonymous]

Strange! Is your city an especially great city?

[Anonymous]

I don't see any problem with it. If your mother is seeing friends, that's what she wants to do and doesn't want you monopolizing that time.

My family flew to Texas to do a specific event and didnt mention it to one of my siblings who an hour away from the event because we knew they would try to monopolize the time.

I did it to another relative when we went to Disney because I didn't want her to monopolize our time.

In both cases these were people who would aggressively insert themselves into our plans or push for us to change our plans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I even had friends of mine run into them and see them at dinner and told me about it.

I guess this answers why they mention it at all

PP here. Why? Because they were eating at a food court. So my parents drove 3 hours to stay in a hotel and eat in a food court? I mean are you trying to make me feel worse? Thanks.


I’m sorry OP. I should have noted before my parents have never liked my DH which I think plays into although he’s perfectly nice with them so I don’t get it. But it’s extremely hurtful. Extremely.

[Anonymous]

I would say NOT weird if this had happened a few times/infrequently, but that doesn't seem to be the case, so yes, weird.