Please weigh in about weird MIL and mom behavior
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
Hi DCUM! I'm feeling the need to ask for feedback about this as I find it so odd, but it is so similar between my mother and MIL that sometimes I wonder if I am missing something or if this is normal behavior?
We live 3 hours from my MIL, 5 hours from my mother. We have lived in this town (not DC) for 11 years, so they have visited frequently throughout the years and gotten to know our city well. The weird thing is, both MIL and mom will visit the city, without telling us ahead of time, and will not ask to see our kids or visit us when they are here. I work from home and would be available for a visit. My MIL will approximately quarterly drive to get her hair done or shop in our city, then text on the way home that she was in town. My mother will stop in for a weekend to see her friends and only text as an afterthought, "Oh, I'm in town, can you bring the kids to the hotel to visit me?" (as we live 30 minutes south of the city in a rural area). This is... not normal, right? Why do they do this? What the heck is that? Just....what? Why? Not sure whether to be hurt, angry, sad, confused... all of the above? Thanks, all! |
Anonymous
| Anyone? Lol! |
Anonymous
| Not normal. Your MIL drives 6 hours round trip in a day to get her hair done? This seems odd in itself. |
Anonymous
|
“Sorry, once again, we can’t just drop everything because you come into town with no notice. If you actually wanted to see us, you’d make plans with us.”
No room for excuses. They don’t want to see you but are trying to pin it on YOU being too busy. |
Anonymous
|
Are they in a major city or in a rural area? And how often is this happening vs how often do they see you?
I’m thinking it’s more that they don’t want to bother you, or maybe MIL just wants to get her stuff done and get home, or they just want time to themselves and to do things they enjoy without needing to tack on extra time to visit family. If they’re otherwise seeing your family regularly, I wouldn’t worry about it. I only visit my family once or twice a year, and honestly I’d love a trip to their city without having to see them, ha. I enjoy seeing my family, but it’s also nice to have time to do what I want, rather than trying to accommodate other peoples schedule and wants. |
Anonymous
It’s possible MIL lives in a rural area without any decent stylists, so the quarterly trip is worth it. |
Anonymous
|
It seems weird, but .. does it make sense based on where you live?
Where do you live? Are your MIL and mother close to any other cities? Or is the one near you the closest to them? |
Anonymous
| How old are your kids? Sometimes little kids take a lot out of the grandmas. |
Anonymous
|
I would bet it's because they like doing stuff on their own or with friends and don't know how to tell you this directly. So instead they kind of sneak in and out of town. They probably feel like they have to tell you they are/were there in case you find out, but they don't want to make the visit about seeing you. Is this selfish? I don't know, I'm not sure what kind of relationship you have with them otherwise. In some ways it's healthy because it means their lives don't revolve around either their adult children or their grandchildren, which I personally think is good for older women who otherwise get stuck in a permanent state of providing care for others.
I do think the distance is strange, but obviously they both have stuff to do in your town even when they are not seeing you. Also, people can be very uncreative! If they've been visiting the town for a while and know it well, it might be the first thing that pops into their head when they think where they might want to go for a spa day or visit with friends. As a PP said, it kind of depends on where they live and what's available to them. My parents live in a somewhat remote town where the nearest city of any size (and it's a small city) is 3.5 hours a way. The drive their pretty frequently and don't consider the distance that big of a deal. I mean, if they live on the Eastern seaboard and are doing this, that's weird because it's unlikely they need to travel that far to stay in a nice hotel or go to a fancy salon. But for people like my parents, your town could easily be the closest urban center to them. |
Anonymous
| For context, my mil lives in a moderate sized city and my mother lives in the suburbs of a city bigger than ours. |
Anonymous
| Kids are 9, 6 and 5 |
Anonymous
| Are there other grandkids in the mix? Sounds like neither are Gaga over the idea is being grandma. Yes, it’s strange. But we need lots more info. Do they see you several other times a year during visits that ARE expressly about costing you? When they visit you do you and your spouse task them with a lot and try to use them for babysitting for date nights? Are grandfathers in the mix? |
Anonymous
| *seeing not costing |
Anonymous
|
Perhaps they won't wish to disturb your working day, or your life with young children? Most people working from home find it extremely annoying to be thought available, juts because they're home. The alternative is that they don't want to see you as much as you want to see them. That's harsh, but it happens. |
Anonymous
| Very odd. |