Disappointed in Husband as a Father

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

He was making a big deal over nothing. You are making it a BIGGER deal over nothing. Get off DCUM and go take care of your baby.

+1000. I was expecting something totally different like getting upset at the baby for crying, having to get up during the night, not getting to sleep in on the weekend, complaining about not being able to hang out with the boys. Your husband has a moment of frustration and loses it over something silly as we all do, and suddenly he's the terrible and disappointing father. WTF?

He does get easily frustrated with the baby for not sleeping or for crying when literally everything has been optimized. I feel his pain. We have a tough kid. I've been around a lot of children and I know our baby is simply harder than others. I take all the night wake ups and do all the diaper changes even if he's home.

Having your own child is nothing like "been around a lot of children"... You sound immature. Having a child, is so f'king hard. Your posts are not convincing me your DH has an issue. If anyone is having issues, maybe it is you.

[Anonymous]

Sleep deprivation does a number on everyone. It gets better.

[Anonymous]

Just return the gate to Amazon and buy a different one. What actual parenting duties would you like him to take over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a rough time with my kids when they were little like yours, I probably walked around just like your husband.
As soon as I could start having conversations with the kids it all kind of turned around for me and now being with them is a joy.
You sound like a really nice woman but You need to stop making him happy by sacrificing what you need and want, it’s only going to lead to distance, frustration and the eventual collapse of intimacy and then your marriage.
Ask me how I know.

I'm hoping this is it! It's been rough for both of us. My mom says our kid is like 2 in 1 with all that energy and no way to communicate. I just want us to view this as an obstacle we have to overcome as a team. Us versus parenting. We genuinely enjoy our time together. When we go on vacation without the baby or even just get a night a way, we go back to how we were when we were dating. I really enjoy his company.

I’m glad you two have a good foundation and enjoy each other but I can’t tell you enough how important it is to not let these things go, you need a plan to work together to get through the rough patch, if you just placate him it will blow up in your faces.
Almost at this moment I am working on the things that happened 17 years ago and those little tiny things that just got swept under the rug have become huge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a rough time with my kids when they were little like yours, I probably walked around just like your husband.
As soon as I could start having conversations with the kids it all kind of turned around for me and now being with them is a joy.
You sound like a really nice woman but You need to stop making him happy by sacrificing what you need and want, it’s only going to lead to distance, frustration and the eventual collapse of intimacy and then your marriage.
Ask me how I know.

+1 I don't think I was quite that bad but I definitely had very bad PPA and probably some degree of PPD. And DH would openly talk about how he couldn't go out with friends anymore and it enraged me because that wasn't even on my radar as a possibility with a very difficult baby who wanted to nurse around the clock and wouldn't sleep unless held. I love my kids but I'm not a baby person and I was so, so happy when the older one started talking ... younger was a far easier baby and kid overall.

Your DH sounds like he could be depressed. Depression in men can manifest differently than in women. I'd encourage him to go see a doctor and just talk about the possibility.

And either way, make sure you are both getting a chunk of time once a week for yourselves. 2 hours on a Saturday or something as a break from the baby. If you are willing to leave the kid with a sitter, also schedule a second 2 hour chunk where you both go out to lunch or dinner or otherwise spend time together.

[Anonymous]

Babies and little kids are really hard for a lot of people. It's a hamster wheel of endless work and often very boring and tedious. I'm a woman and I didn't enjoy it. These are tough feelings and very taboo. I think they are less taboo for men and so some men feel more open to talk about them, act on them, and make future decisions based on them.

Reality is this time period is going to be tough and you just have to put in as many things in place as possible to get through it. The only thing that will "fix it" is time. Your kid will get older and it will get better. Other strategies:

Get the baby on a routine so you have reliable sleeping periods.
Build in time for you and your partner to have breaks - alone and together.
Prioritize spending time with your husband outside of your kid.
Be kind to each other and don't shame each other for these feelings.
See a therapist. Both of you.
Build in things to look forward to. Raising little kids can be very monotonous.
Don't say or do things that you can't look past later on when you are in this tough time period.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I jokingly refer to this time period in our life as "the dark years". We even persisted and had a second.

It's rough OP. You're getting good advice.

Keep up your connection with your spouse. If you can keep that thread of liking him, you'll be fine. But you have to treat that thread like gold and not let it break.

[Anonymous]

Babies are hard. We have three kids, 8, 5 and 2. Lots of work but I'm happy to be put of the baby years. Sleep deprivation is just... I don't do well with it. Having a child can also be intimidating.

Give it time, kids grow and some challenges disappear and new ones take their place.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are older but honestly, when my DH is acting as you describe yours is, I have to take a tough love approach. I'm a care taker by nature, and it sounds like you are as well. So my instinct is to talk, nurture, check in, etc., when he's struggling. But there are times when I do this with him and I can tell it doesn't help. So after I give him a bit of space (skip the space step in your scenario) I lay it out, if it's a shared issue. "I love you, and we're I this together. That's why I'm not going to let you tap out. I need your help and value your input and effort. But you need to help me. Otherwise what are we doing here". I don't know about your H but mine needs this kind of approach sometimes. I temper it with love and approach it as his partner bc I'm not (and don't want to be) his mother. But I won't coddle a grown ass man. Oddly enough, he usually appreciates this approach in the end.

[Anonymous]

It’s sweet you’re trying to reduce the load on him but that’s the exact opposite of what you need to do. He needs to build up his experience and confidence, and the only way to do that it to actually care for his kid. Women usually get several weeks or months alone with their child to figure out what they’re doing, but men rarely get this.

Can you get out of the house for a day, or at least a couple of evenings a week? I took a part time job working saturdays and one evening a week, it did wonders for helping my H figure out parenting and bonding with our DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

I also want to point that he's incredibly intelligent and talented has excelled at everything he's ever tried. That's why I fell in love with him and why I'm so puzzled at what's going on. If he put in a fraction of effort into parenting as he does into everything else, he would be father of the year. He's genuinely one of those people who is just good at everything.

Your example doesn't show that he's not putting effort into being a parent. It shows someone who is probably trying to be absolutely perfect and sweating the small stuff.

+1. This reads as him being scared to me. Like, if I can't put this baby gate together then what good am I and then imagining all the other terrible things that will happen type scared.

If he is not hands on with the baby, I'd focus on that - baths, diapers, putting baby to bed if possible. If you are nursing and the baby is in a different room at night, have him be the one to bring the baby to you and put baby back down to sleep.

I think this is one area where women get the benefit of the doubt that they are the experts (even if it's your first baby too!) and dads can be hesitant to jump in because they are so afraid of doing something "wrong."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

You need a real man. I would dump him ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I can't even figure out what the issue is. You have a difficult baby and your husband gets frustrated by that? Let him build up his skills as a dad. You're not helping by doing everything for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

I also want to point that he's incredibly intelligent and talented has excelled at everything he's ever tried. That's why I fell in love with him and why I'm so puzzled at what's going on. If he put in a fraction of effort into parenting as he does into everything else, he would be father of the year. He's genuinely one of those people who is just good at everything.

Your example doesn't show that he's not putting effort into being a parent. It shows someone who is probably trying to be absolutely perfect and sweating the small stuff.

+1. This reads as him being scared to me. Like, if I can't put this baby gate together then what good am I and then imagining all the other terrible things that will happen type scared.

If he is not hands on with the baby, I'd focus on that - baths, diapers, putting baby to bed if possible. If you are nursing and the baby is in a different room at night, have him be the one to bring the baby to you and put baby back down to sleep.

I think this is one area where women get the benefit of the doubt that they are the experts (even if it's your first baby too!) and dads can be hesitant to jump in because they are so afraid of doing something "wrong."

NP and this makes a lot of sense. You going everything will just reinforce the fear.