Disappointed in Husband as a Father

[Anonymous]

Since the birth of our first child, my husband has had the hardest time coping with the sacrifices of parenthood. No matter how much I try to offload the stress of parenting, the little that he has to do upsets him. He has a hard time adapting to the daily challenges of our new life. I feel unappreciated and a bit resentful because I can't enjoy parenting with a partner who doesn't pull his weight. If I had someone do all the difficult monotonous tasks of parenting and I just got to be the fun parent I'd be thrilled. I told DH that it's ok if he regrets becoming a parent. Our child was planned, but sometimes you don't know that something isn't for you until you try it. I have even supported him in getting a vasectomy though I want more children because I just want him to be happy. He says he doesn't know what he wants and he apologized for his behavior, but he doesn't do anything to change. Has anyone been in this situation? Any men with insight on what's going and how I can help? I love him, but I'm so exhausted from trying to pull him through parenthood.

[Anonymous]

Some specific examples would help.

[Anonymous]

How old is your baby?

[Anonymous]

Stop catering to his refusal to be a 50% parent. Why are you making excuses for this childish behavior?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

I also want to point that he's incredibly intelligent and talented has excelled at everything he's ever tried. That's why I fell in love with him and why I'm so puzzled at what's going on. If he put in a fraction of effort into parenting as he does into everything else, he would be father of the year. He's genuinely one of those people who is just good at everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

He was making a big deal over nothing. You are making it a BIGGER deal over nothing. Get off DCUM and go take care of your baby.

[Anonymous]

I had a rough time with my kids when they were little like yours, I probably walked around just like your husband.
As soon as I could start having conversations with the kids it all kind of turned around for me and now being with them is a joy.
You sound like a really nice woman but You need to stop making him happy by sacrificing what you need and want, it’s only going to lead to distance, frustration and the eventual collapse of intimacy and then your marriage.
Ask me how I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

He was making a big deal over nothing. You are making it a BIGGER deal over nothing. Get off DCUM and go take care of your baby.

+1000. I was expecting something totally different like getting upset at the baby for crying, having to get up during the night, not getting to sleep in on the weekend, complaining about not being able to hang out with the boys. Your husband has a moment of frustration and loses it over something silly as we all do, and suddenly he's the terrible and disappointing father. WTF?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

I also want to point that he's incredibly intelligent and talented has excelled at everything he's ever tried. That's why I fell in love with him and why I'm so puzzled at what's going on. If he put in a fraction of effort into parenting as he does into everything else, he would be father of the year. He's genuinely one of those people who is just good at everything.

Your example doesn't show that he's not putting effort into being a parent. It shows someone who is probably trying to be absolutely perfect and sweating the small stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

Maybe he just needed someone to agree that the company is an a-hole and feel like they have his back? I sometimes get overwhelmed and frustrated over things like this, and I don’t want my H to tell me it’s nothing and explain options to me. I know what the options are. I just want someone to say “yea F those guys” and then I can move on. So maybe try just agreeing with him that it sucks and leaving him to figure out how to deal?

[Anonymous]

Your example has nothing to do with parenting and more to do with handyman type skills. Have you ever seen him assemble/fix anything before? That may be his weakness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a rough time with my kids when they were little like yours, I probably walked around just like your husband.
As soon as I could start having conversations with the kids it all kind of turned around for me and now being with them is a joy.
You sound like a really nice woman but You need to stop making him happy by sacrificing what you need and want, it’s only going to lead to distance, frustration and the eventual collapse of intimacy and then your marriage.
Ask me how I know.

I'm hoping this is it! It's been rough for both of us. My mom says our kid is like 2 in 1 with all that energy and no way to communicate. I just want us to view this as an obstacle we have to overcome as a team. Us versus parenting. We genuinely enjoy our time together. When we go on vacation without the baby or even just get a night a way, we go back to how we were when we were dating. I really enjoy his company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your example has nothing to do with parenting and more to do with handyman type skills. Have you ever seen him assemble/fix anything before? That may be his weakness.

Never mind. I forgot you said he likes to put things together. Still has nothing to do with parenting though, unless he’s short tempered these days from sleep deprivation because of baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some specific examples would help.

He likes to put things together so I asked him to get a baby gate. We ordered online and the gate seemed to be brand new, but after he counted the screws it was clear that some of them were missing making it impossible to assemble. He became really upset and I told him it's totally fine. There are only two options. We contact customer service for a replacement or we go to the hardware store and see if they have the parts we need. He was so frustrated that he didn't want to listen. I'm saddened that he's so overwhelmed by parenting he can't problem solve any situation and I carry the whole mental load.

He was making a big deal over nothing. You are making it a BIGGER deal over nothing. Get off DCUM and go take care of your baby.

+1000. I was expecting something totally different like getting upset at the baby for crying, having to get up during the night, not getting to sleep in on the weekend, complaining about not being able to hang out with the boys. Your husband has a moment of frustration and loses it over something silly as we all do, and suddenly he's the terrible and disappointing father. WTF?

He does get easily frustrated with the baby for not sleeping or for crying when literally everything has been optimized. I feel his pain. We have a tough kid. I've been around a lot of children and I know our baby is simply harder than others. I take all the night wake ups and do all the diaper changes even if he's home.