Competitive Parents
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Anonymous
+1 Yup. You showed her up, silently, and she doesn't like it. |
Anonymous
+1 Exactly this. Don't bother, OP. Find you own friends. This woman is nuts. |
Anonymous
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Yes, most of us came to DC to work in fields requiring advanced degrees, and we care about academics and some of us care about sports or other competitive activities.
Some of us understand that it's not done, outside of certain sub-circles, to talk about achievements lest we seem boastful. What complicates matters is cultural clash. My husband, who comes from a non-American Vietnamese family, finds it normal to talk about academic achievement, and how to get there, in a very open way. All his community is the same way, and I've met Chinese and Japanese families who also think it's perfectly normal to share these things. But when he discussed this with a Caucasian American he met at an after-school activity, I could tell she was very uncomfortable. I pointed out to him that what's acceptable in some circles is not in others. I always listen with an open mind and take things at their face value, because I find that most people are genuine and share without intent to hurt - they're looking for someone to share in their joy, or they have an impulse to help others. That's fine. |
Anonymous
| I have a friend exactly like this. Always comparing her kid’s times to mine and then making crazy comments. It is toxic. I would limit interactions with her. |
Anonymous
| We’ve lost very good friends out of jealousy over our kids’ higher academic achievements and better college admissions even though we never, ever - and I mean ever - talked about it. So I get it. |
Anonymous
| We had a very similar experience with a family whose DD had played soccer with ours for years. Her DD was a starter on both the club soccer team and in HS, and they clearly considered her a star. She was a good player, but the club team was mid-level at best. Our DDs and a couple of others switched teams one year. Competitive family’s DD missed the first few games and a tournament due to HS soccer conflicts. The coach of the new team didn’t start her or give her more than the minimum playing time, I’m sure because she’d missed the first part of the season, while the other three girls all started. The parents were angry after the first game she played, enraged after the second, and hit full-on lunacy after the third. They yanked their DD from the team, sent incredibly rude emails to the coach and team manager, and trashed the team to everyone they met. They had always seemed nice before that, but I think the fact that girls they considered inferior to their DD were starting over her was too much for their egos to bear. |
Anonymous
| Do an online verification with the cross country winner. Those that brag often don’t tell the whole truth. No need to confront, you just need to be aware of who you are dealing with. |
Anonymous
This is next level weirdo stuff. Don’t let these competitive people ever occupy space in your head. |
Anonymous
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Show the girl as much kindness and compassion as possible. It’s not her fault her mother is a nut job.
Seriously, your DD’s friend is likely under a massive amount of pressure to excel and be the “best” at all costs. Its a very hard way to grow up. These types of parents are impossible to please because the void is in THEM - so there’s nothing their kids can do to satisfy it. The parent will always feel lacking and therefore driven to compete with and dominate others. And if they’re trying to do so through their kids, it’s even worse. There will always be someone better/smarter/faster etc. Help your DD shrug it off if she hears her friend’s mom being ridiculous. I’m guessing she will. Other kids’ parents don’t make an impact - even if her friend’s mom is literally trying to diminish your DD’s accomplishments to make herself feel better. Kids barely hear that crap unless it’s from their own parent or friend. If your DD’s friend starts mirroring her mother’s competitive BS don’t be surprised. 😞 Try to help your DD find compassion - her friend us likely marinating in it at home - but if it’s too much, help her say something kind but firm to her friend to teach her to back off. Finally, you have an opportunity to model something different - and healthier - to your DD’s friend if the girls are close enough to hang out often. Without overdoing it, appreciate and praise her for her CHARACTER when possible - her kindness, patience, equanimity, humor etc. - not her achievements. And of course admiring kids’ EFFORT is usually more healthy than focusing on the results. Oh, and don’t get sucked in when you see the mom. Keep it light. Never share info about your DD or other kids, and when she brags about her DD, it’s always safe to smile and say, “You must be so proud.” Nothing more is needed. |
Anonymous
PP here - To state the obvious, I grew up with a mom like this. Our home life - and my achievements- looked great from the outside, but it was misery behind closed doors. And though I did model my mother’s competitive behavior with friends at times in middle school and high school, it was because I didn’t know better yet. But a few of my friends’ houses became my sanctuaries because their parents were less scrutinizing and more accepting. And once I got to college, I was free to live differently. (Plus a little therapy in my twenties. That helped, too! 😊) |
Anonymous
+1 And none too bright … |
Anonymous
| I am cordial to those people but I don’t go out of my way to be good friends with them. |
Anonymous
This isn't a DMV thing. It's a pretty universal phenomenon. |
Anonymous
On the contrary. I coach a travel team and I tend to find the parents at competitions in this area are much more chill than when we go to Ohio, NC, PA, etc. New Jersey is the worst. |
Anonymous
They really are not. I'm not from here originally. And it's the same where I grew up (midwest). |