When your dc doesn't make the team and they are upset

[Anonymous]

Depends. Besides dealing with the obvious emotional issue and disappointment the question is what’s next?

First - you, as the parent, should already know why they did not make a given team. It can be a close run thing, or it could be pretty obvious. The question is - as far as a school sport - does getting cut mean they are done with that sport (at least as far as school is concerned)? Well if they are a senior - obviously. Other than that - maybe.

Let’s take a basketball team. A full varsity team might have 15 players. A school may have a JV team, and even a Freshmen team. The JV will be a mix of better/bigger freshmen and sophomores, and maybe a junior or two. The varsity will be seniors and juniors and maybe a very good sophomore or two. It all depends on school size and the kids trying out. Lots of schools have only JV and Varsity. A freshman who does not make JV as a freshman, but still plays regularly is certainly in the mix as a sophomore.

Yes - kids who played and practiced as freshmen have a leg up, BUT - and it is a big BUT - there are two key factors that enter into it. 1. Kids grow in high school. Last years 5’5” freshman is this years 6’0” sophomore. 2. Coaches get good looks at kids over a season. They are looking to find new players to replace the bottom third of the team from the year before. They want to do that. So if your kid is a freshman or sophomore who got cut, and he or she likes the sport - stick with it. There is next year.


I will also say though - parents have to be realistic here. A Star of your middle school soccer team may not ever make a varsity soccer team if the school has a good number of club players who do not typically play middle school soccer. The kids know this because they basically know their classmates. The parents can be surprised if it is their first kid through the process.

Finally - there are quite a few no cut sports that a good athlete can have fun doing. Didn’t make the basketball team as a freshman? Wrestling then. Lots of first time wrestlers as freshmen (girls too).

Other no cut sports - Fall: football, x-country, swimming (boys or girls depending on which runs Fall or Winter). Winter; wrestling, swimming (which ever was not in the Fall) indoor track, Spring; track. Your school will also have other sports where they are always looking for kids making them de facto “no cut”.

Two of my daughters early club soccer friends were not as good soccer players as they got into their high school years. Athletic but just didn’t love soccer. One switched to X-country and enddd up running for a Big10 school. Another switched to lacrosse and also played for a Big10 school. You can make a change in high school and do well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you handle it? I tend to follow their lead and empathize I guess. Ugh. This is honestly one of the hardest parts of parenting.

Actually, it isn't the hardest part. That would be having you kid get cancer or killed accidently.

Have your kid practice if he wants to get on the team

Here's a hint that may help you on forums in the future: If you find yourself starting a post with "ACTUALLYYY" it's best to take a moment to reflect on whether your post actually contributes to the conversation or needs to be said. (This one was neither, btw)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remind myself my kid needs these experiences to become an an adult one day who can deal with life's bumps. I share my own stories. I let him or her feel disappointed, but I also let him or her know everyone faces setbacks, even his biggest sports heroes.

This.

[Anonymous]

It is hard! You can let them wallow for a couple of days. But then encourage them to continue with the sport on a club or rec level; or to pursue another sport; or to use the time to discover a non-sport extracurricular activity.

Try to prevent them from indulging too much in sour grapes. It's easy to pick holes in the kids who DID make it, but it's a growth experience to be able to see that some kids did better AT THE TRYOUTS or maybe had one or two factors that your kid didn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you appeal to the coach, and failing that: get the principal involved.

Don’t just take this like it’s ok.

Incredibly stupid advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS didn't make the HS soccer team this summer. He was devastated and it was the first time I'd seen him cry in a long time. We let him experience his sadness. Acknowledged his disappointment. After a few days, we asked how he thought he could improve and what he would like to do to increase his skill (if he was interested.) We were willing to look into trainings/clinics/etc. In the end, he decided not to pursue the team again next year and just be content playing on a recreational team where he gets a lot of play time.

Poor guy. I found my kids handled really well when they could acknowledge and accept the talent was high and the kids on the team deserved it. Yes. That happened. They were on a second team and could rightly say at the time--that kids above deserved it--or were equivalent in skill, etc.

The hardest, as it is for everyone, is when other things are in play. At our HS there is a LOT of nepotism. We have 4 sets of twins, two on each team. When the older sibling is a star, the younger siblings are granted a spot even when they are not good--at all. A lot of it has to do with the way the parents of those kids sidle up to the Coach, the existing relationships. It generally isn't a problem unless your kid plays the same position. Then, just forget it.

We deal with that with: life isn't fair. What else do you want to do? Play Club soccer, try a new sport, etc. But, yeah it's hard to see our kids get upset--but ultimately it will build resilience for what will come in life later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DS didn't make the HS soccer team this summer. He was devastated and it was the first time I'd seen him cry in a long time. We let him experience his sadness. Acknowledged his disappointment. After a few days, we asked how he thought he could improve and what he would like to do to increase his skill (if he was interested.) We were willing to look into trainings/clinics/etc. In the end, he decided not to pursue the team again next year and just be content playing on a recreational team where he gets a lot of play time.

Poor guy. I found my kids handled really well when they could acknowledge and accept the talent was high and the kids on the team deserved it. Yes. That happened. They were on a second team and could rightly say at the time--that kids above deserved it--or were equivalent in skill, etc.

The hardest, as it is for everyone, is when other things are in play. At our HS there is a LOT of nepotism. We have 4 sets of twins, two on each team. When the older sibling is a star, the younger siblings are granted a spot even when they are not good--at all. A lot of it has to do with the way the parents of those kids sidle up to the Coach, the existing relationships. It generally isn't a problem unless your kid plays the same position. Then, just forget it.

We deal with that with: life isn't fair. What else do you want to do? Play Club soccer, try a new sport, etc. But, yeah it's hard to see our kids get upset--but ultimately it will build resilience for what will come in life later on.

My son had this happen. He actually made the team, but got little playing time no matter how much he excelled--scoring when he did go in, being one of the few that ALWAYS showed up at practice on time and didn't goof around, etc. He sees the writing on the wall for next year's chances. His plan is to spend the next 10 months getting bigger, better, faster, meaner, etc. I have told him the only way to avoid getting cut for varsity is to go into tryouts and win everything. 2 mile run--apparently coming in 3rd out of everyone obviously isn't enough--you need to come in first. Juggling competition--won that---now lets juggle on our head (we can already do around the world, double around the world, etc). Scrimmages--you can score 10 goals in an 11-1 game and have the assist on the 11th---score 40 goals, etc... The only thing you can do is make an undisputable case for yourself....and, you know, what: you still might not make it because that is how the world works. BUT--you will know you did everything in your power and left nothing to chance.

The really strange thing is that he's had a few D1 coaches talking to him and yet HS team may be unattainable. HS sports are a really weird thing. I've seen top players in the area not make their HS team and kids that barely play make it.

[Anonymous]

I mean someone cut Michael Jordan from the HS team . Enough said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you appeal to the coach, and failing that: get the principal involved.

Don’t just take this like it’s ok.

Good god, wtf? The kid wasn't good enough to be on the team. You HAVE to learn how to deal with that. It sucks. I've been there, but I tried out again the next year and made it. PP, that is an abominable suggestion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends. Besides dealing with the obvious emotional issue and disappointment the question is what’s next?

First - you, as the parent, should already know why they did not make a given team. It can be a close run thing, or it could be pretty obvious. The question is - as far as a school sport - does getting cut mean they are done with that sport (at least as far as school is concerned)? Well if they are a senior - obviously. Other than that - maybe.

Let’s take a basketball team. A full varsity team might have 15 players. A school may have a JV team, and even a Freshmen team. The JV will be a mix of better/bigger freshmen and sophomores, and maybe a junior or two. The varsity will be seniors and juniors and maybe a very good sophomore or two. It all depends on school size and the kids trying out. Lots of schools have only JV and Varsity. A freshman who does not make JV as a freshman, but still plays regularly is certainly in the mix as a sophomore.

Yes - kids who played and practiced as freshmen have a leg up, BUT - and it is a big BUT - there are two key factors that enter into it. 1. Kids grow in high school. Last years 5’5” freshman is this years 6’0” sophomore. 2. Coaches get good looks at kids over a season. They are looking to find new players to replace the bottom third of the team from the year before. They want to do that. So if your kid is a freshman or sophomore who got cut, and he or she likes the sport - stick with it. There is next year.


I will also say though - parents have to be realistic here. A Star of your middle school soccer team may not ever make a varsity soccer team if the school has a good number of club players who do not typically play middle school soccer. The kids know this because they basically know their classmates. The parents can be surprised if it is their first kid through the process.

Finally - there are quite a few no cut sports that a good athlete can have fun doing. Didn’t make the basketball team as a freshman? Wrestling then. Lots of first time wrestlers as freshmen (girls too).

Other no cut sports - Fall: football, x-country, swimming (boys or girls depending on which runs Fall or Winter). Winter; wrestling, swimming (which ever was not in the Fall) indoor track, Spring; track. Your school will also have other sports where they are always looking for kids making them de facto “no cut”.

Two of my daughters early club soccer friends were not as good soccer players as they got into their high school years. Athletic but just didn’t love soccer. One switched to X-country and enddd up running for a Big10 school. Another switched to lacrosse and also played for a Big10 school. You can make a change in high school and do well.

You're assuming the school cuts existing players. Ours doesn't so a freshman who doesn't make the freshman team faces very long odds unless variety the prior year was unusually senior heavy and pulls more up from JV than normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you appeal to the coach, and failing that: get the principal involved.

Don’t just take this like it’s ok.

Good god, wtf? The kid wasn't good enough to be on the team. You HAVE to learn how to deal with that. It sucks. I've been there, but I tried out again the next year and made it. PP, that is an abominable suggestion.

There is only one very narrow situation where I would consider someone getting a principal involved even remotely in the right and that's if the school coach also coaches club and takes all of their club players. It does happen and it's definitely corrupt.

[Anonymous]

I kind of go "Sorry kiddo. That stinks." and then we move on, because that's life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can’t you appeal to the coach, and failing that: get the principal involved.

Don’t just take this like it’s ok.

Good god, wtf? The kid wasn't good enough to be on the team. You HAVE to learn how to deal with that. It sucks. I've been there, but I tried out again the next year and made it. PP, that is an abominable suggestion.

There is only one very narrow situation where I would consider someone getting a principal involved even remotely in the right and that's if the school coach also coaches club and takes all of their club players. It does happen and it's definitely corrupt.

Not only one.

What about equity?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends. Besides dealing with the obvious emotional issue and disappointment the question is what’s next?

First - you, as the parent, should already know why they did not make a given team. It can be a close run thing, or it could be pretty obvious. The question is - as far as a school sport - does getting cut mean they are done with that sport (at least as far as school is concerned)? Well if they are a senior - obviously. Other than that - maybe.

Let’s take a basketball team. A full varsity team might have 15 players. A school may have a JV team, and even a Freshmen team. The JV will be a mix of better/bigger freshmen and sophomores, and maybe a junior or two. The varsity will be seniors and juniors and maybe a very good sophomore or two. It all depends on school size and the kids trying out. Lots of schools have only JV and Varsity. A freshman who does not make JV as a freshman, but still plays regularly is certainly in the mix as a sophomore.

Yes - kids who played and practiced as freshmen have a leg up, BUT - and it is a big BUT - there are two key factors that enter into it. 1. Kids grow in high school. Last years 5’5” freshman is this years 6’0” sophomore. 2. Coaches get good looks at kids over a season. They are looking to find new players to replace the bottom third of the team from the year before. They want to do that. So if your kid is a freshman or sophomore who got cut, and he or she likes the sport - stick with it. There is next year.


I will also say though - parents have to be realistic here. A Star of your middle school soccer team may not ever make a varsity soccer team if the school has a good number of club players who do not typically play middle school soccer. The kids know this because they basically know their classmates. The parents can be surprised if it is their first kid through the process.

Finally - there are quite a few no cut sports that a good athlete can have fun doing. Didn’t make the basketball team as a freshman? Wrestling then. Lots of first time wrestlers as freshmen (girls too).

Other no cut sports - Fall: football, x-country, swimming (boys or girls depending on which runs Fall or Winter). Winter; wrestling, swimming (which ever was not in the Fall) indoor track, Spring; track. Your school will also have other sports where they are always looking for kids making them de facto “no cut”.

Two of my daughters early club soccer friends were not as good soccer players as they got into their high school years. Athletic but just didn’t love soccer. One switched to X-country and enddd up running for a Big10 school. Another switched to lacrosse and also played for a Big10 school. You can make a change in high school and do well.

You're assuming the school cuts existing players. Ours doesn't so a freshman who doesn't make the freshman team faces very long odds unless variety the prior year was unusually senior heavy and pulls more up from JV than normal.

Sure they do. Kids come and go between freshmen and senior years. An early maturing kid who is a 5’10” freshman can play forward or even center on the BB team. But, by their Sophomore or Junior years they are done. It’s a thing with guys obviously. Mostly on the girls side they are physically mature by 16. Guys could just be really starting to hit their growth spurts. No coach in the world is going to say “ we don’t want a really good player, because they didn’t play on a freshmen team”.

What coaches at many schools will do is not cut a senior who has been playing on a team for x years. But, “not cut” does not mean “play”. That Senior will be on the team and will play as much as their relative ability allows. Maybe the play a lot. Maybe they hardly ever see the field. As long as their attitude is good then absolutely keep them. My daughter’s high school soccer team got a big influx of quality players her freshmen year. 6 freshmen made the varsity team and started. This could have been a problem, but the coach kept all returning players and they had a big team. Not a huge problem as the older girls were basically nice to the younger girls and the younger girls were not really around them outside of practices and games. Juniors and Seniors don’t have much contact with freshmen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends. Besides dealing with the obvious emotional issue and disappointment the question is what’s next?

First - you, as the parent, should already know why they did not make a given team. It can be a close run thing, or it could be pretty obvious. The question is - as far as a school sport - does getting cut mean they are done with that sport (at least as far as school is concerned)? Well if they are a senior - obviously. Other than that - maybe.

Let’s take a basketball team. A full varsity team might have 15 players. A school may have a JV team, and even a Freshmen team. The JV will be a mix of better/bigger freshmen and sophomores, and maybe a junior or two. The varsity will be seniors and juniors and maybe a very good sophomore or two. It all depends on school size and the kids trying out. Lots of schools have only JV and Varsity. A freshman who does not make JV as a freshman, but still plays regularly is certainly in the mix as a sophomore.

Yes - kids who played and practiced as freshmen have a leg up, BUT - and it is a big BUT - there are two key factors that enter into it. 1. Kids grow in high school. Last years 5’5” freshman is this years 6’0” sophomore. 2. Coaches get good looks at kids over a season. They are looking to find new players to replace the bottom third of the team from the year before. They want to do that. So if your kid is a freshman or sophomore who got cut, and he or she likes the sport - stick with it. There is next year.


I will also say though - parents have to be realistic here. A Star of your middle school soccer team may not ever make a varsity soccer team if the school has a good number of club players who do not typically play middle school soccer. The kids know this because they basically know their classmates. The parents can be surprised if it is their first kid through the process.

Finally - there are quite a few no cut sports that a good athlete can have fun doing. Didn’t make the basketball team as a freshman? Wrestling then. Lots of first time wrestlers as freshmen (girls too).

Other no cut sports - Fall: football, x-country, swimming (boys or girls depending on which runs Fall or Winter). Winter; wrestling, swimming (which ever was not in the Fall) indoor track, Spring; track. Your school will also have other sports where they are always looking for kids making them de facto “no cut”.

Two of my daughters early club soccer friends were not as good soccer players as they got into their high school years. Athletic but just didn’t love soccer. One switched to X-country and enddd up running for a Big10 school. Another switched to lacrosse and also played for a Big10 school. You can make a change in high school and do well.

You're assuming the school cuts existing players. Ours doesn't so a freshman who doesn't make the freshman team faces very long odds unless variety the prior year was unusually senior heavy and pulls more up from JV than normal.

Sure they do. Kids come and go between freshmen and senior years. An early maturing kid who is a 5’10” freshman can play forward or even center on the BB team. But, by their Sophomore or Junior years they are done. It’s a thing with guys obviously. Mostly on the girls side they are physically mature by 16. Guys could just be really starting to hit their growth spurts. No coach in the world is going to say “ we don’t want a really good player, because they didn’t play on a freshmen team”.

What coaches at many schools will do is not cut a senior who has been playing on a team for x years. But, “not cut” does not mean “play”. That Senior will be on the team and will play as much as their relative ability allows. Maybe the play a lot. Maybe they hardly ever see the field. As long as their attitude is good then absolutely keep them. My daughter’s high school soccer team got a big influx of quality players her freshmen year. 6 freshmen made the varsity team and started. This could have been a problem, but the coach kept all returning players and they had a big team. Not a huge problem as the older girls were basically nice to the younger girls and the younger girls were not really around them outside of practices and games. Juniors and Seniors don’t have much contact with freshmen.

I was one of two to make the Varsity team as a Freshmen and won a HS State Championship that year. I was cut my Senior year . It was a new coach. Truthfully, I was pretty much over soccer by then so he did me a favor. I had THE BEST last semester of HS because I quit Club soccer too and had so much free time to just have fun, and had already gotten into college, etc.

These things sting. Some disappointments can fuel you your entire life. They are good to draw on.