My sister is great at her job and a mess at home

[Anonymous]

If she works several hours, she may not have any energy left.

[Anonymous]

Bring it up to her. She may be wondering herself. I was not diagnosed with ADHD until after the birth of my child at age 43. It is a very tough condition to have, and it is always present.

[Anonymous]

What do vacations have to do with it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I'm pretty much like this, and I'm definitely not ADHD. She may vent to you, because she perceives that you are judging her. In reality, this stuff probably doesn't bother her very much.

I'm very good at my job, which demands a lot of executive functioning and organization. Some of the things you mention are lower priority for me. We have a full-time nanny so that even if I miss out on camp registration, the kids are still entertained. It's not ideal, but it's not terrible either.

Exactly right.
When you have a job that demands a lot of brain power and energy, you don't sweat the small stuff when it comes to less important things.

There's only so much one person can hold together without cracking and maybe your sister is getting by the way she can, OP.

Your judgment doesn't help her.

[Anonymous]

You sound as though you don't have a lot to do, OP. Go clean and organize your sister's house. And then go plan a vacation for the lot of them. Make yourself useful for five minutes instead of just whining to us about it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend exactly like this, except they do plan camp for most of the summer.
But yes they forget things, they barely travel, their house is a mess and their dog chews on things around the house which they leave unattended. It takes her forever to do some very mundane things, like I waited a month to find out if her kid will go ToTing with mine!

WTF, who plans ToTing a month in advance?!? Have I been doing it all wrong? I never ask, nor have I ever had anyone ask us, more than about 3 days in advance. Is this really a thing?? If someone asked me a month in advance, I can't even imagine how I would respond.

For me it is the one and only day of the year where I am worried whether my child will have company. Also he doesn’t have many friends, and even fewer of them have parents who I even want to talk to about getting together. It may well be different for you.
My friend knows that I am weird about this particular day, because I am vulnerable on behalf of my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what ADHD looks like when there isn't a spouse able/willing to pick up the pieces at home. The old joke goes, your sister needs a wife.

Came here to say this. 100 million percent.

I have ADHD and I have become, through blood, sweat and tears, competent at a good 50% of the Wife and Mother Household Management Work, barely passable at 25% and still a complete disaster at 25%. And that's with extreme effort, good mental health care, etc. Men with ADHD-- or without-- generally never have to figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to the helpful posters. I do have kids (a bit older than hers) so I’ve been through the same stages. I love her to pieces and she loves me to pieces and we talk very openly and vent. It frustrates me that the things she complains about are so easily solvable! Especially since she’s so smart and talented at work. I did not realize it could be ADHD. Now the question is, should I bring it up or let it go…

If it is ADHD (which I also have), you can be excellent, even 99th percentile at the things that you have a real talent and passion for, but pretty terrible at literally almost anything else. It's an extreme version of any normal person who pays more time and attention to the things that interest them and is unenthusiastic about the obligatory things. Someone with ADHD can hyperfocus on even things that are very hard for most people, and thus they seem quite brilliant (which they are)! If they are passionate about those things. But even if they really really really genuinely want to do certain other things, and totally see the benefit of them, they may struggle to figure out how to start or finish them. This can be incredibly frustrating and demoralizing. If you're so smart, how come you can't manage this simple thing? It can also be helped-- partly, and with effort. But it's caused by a difference in brain chemistry, not lack of motivation or caring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, I'm pretty much like this, and I'm definitely not ADHD. She may vent to you, because she perceives that you are judging her. In reality, this stuff probably doesn't bother her very much.

I'm very good at my job, which demands a lot of executive functioning and organization. Some of the things you mention are lower priority for me. We have a full-time nanny so that even if I miss out on camp registration, the kids are still entertained. It's not ideal, but it's not terrible either.

Exactly right.
When you have a job that demands a lot of brain power and energy, you don't sweat the small stuff when it comes to less important things.

There's only so much one person can hold together without cracking and maybe your sister is getting by the way she can, OP.

Your judgment doesn't help her.

So with this handy excuse, what do you individually manage or do at home or for your family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend exactly like this, except they do plan camp for most of the summer.
But yes they forget things, they barely travel, their house is a mess and their dog chews on things around the house which they leave unattended. It takes her forever to do some very mundane things, like I waited a month to find out if her kid will go ToTing with mine!

I've been waiting months to get specifics about a trip with my sister! I'll have to book hotels and just go forward without her. She'll probably book everything last minute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do vacations have to do with it?

They require planning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to the helpful posters. I do have kids (a bit older than hers) so I’ve been through the same stages. I love her to pieces and she loves me to pieces and we talk very openly and vent. It frustrates me that the things she complains about are so easily solvable! Especially since she’s so smart and talented at work. I did not realize it could be ADHD. Now the question is, should I bring it up or let it go…

OP, please be thankful that this issue is the worst of what you have to deal with when it comes to a sibling.

Here's what I recommend: the next time she starts venting, ask her, "do you want me to help you come up with solutions, or do you just need to vent?" and then follow her lead. Treat her like an adult and act like one yourself. Jumping in to fix the problems of an independent, competent adult, which your sister is, screams poor boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like me. I’m a superstar at work and it takes most of my brainpower and energy.

At home, my kids are fed, clothed, housed (nicely), and sent to school, but we skip most superfluous activities. We skip many kids bday parties, don’t enroll in various sports, no camps (kids play in our yard and outside) No big deal. I complain about it to make small talk, but really don’t care and think many families are over scheduled and over engineered.

Lol if you think she is adhd. Highly unlikely. She wouldn’t have a big job if she was.
You know how many executive men have no home responsibilities because they have big jobs. Well women can be the same

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like me. I’m a superstar at work and it takes most of my brainpower and energy.

At home, my kids are fed, clothed, housed (nicely), and sent to school, but we skip most superfluous activities. We skip many kids bday parties, don’t enroll in various sports, no camps (kids play in our yard and outside) No big deal. I complain about it to make small talk, but really don’t care and think many families are over scheduled and over engineered.

Lol if you think she is adhd. Highly unlikely. She wouldn’t have a big job if she was.
You know how many executive men have no home responsibilities because they have big jobs. Well women can be the same

Although that is possible, usually because the spouse (the woman) has signed up to take on 100% of house responsibilities (and does it competently), that is not the case in this particular situation.

Somebody has ADHD in this case. Either it is the female executive, or the husband promised to be a Primary Parent (or at least 50%) but now falls short because he has ADD/ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she uses up all her executive functioning reserves at work and has none left over for home. If her husband can’t or won’t fill in, she should spend some of the money from her successful job on a household manager.