My sister is great at her job and a mess at home

[Anonymous]

How is this possible, I wonder? She is so disorganized, a poor planner. Their house is always a mess, constantly late to everything or miss things, they never go on a proper vacation, and her kids stay home half the summer and watch TV, because she and her DH can’t get it together to plan ahead of time and book travel or summer camps. She vents to me about how much she hates it but never does anything about it. The latest was that her son was upset they forgot to attend a classmate’s bday party. I offer to help her create an online calendar and book travel and camp but she always says “Oh no, I can do it”… and then never does it! I’m frustrated on behalf of her kids! She’s a lot smarter than me, and I’m sure is very organized at work to have gotten to her current level. Why do all of those skills fall away at home??

P.S. I know her DH is 50% responsible, but she’s the one I’m related to and talk to

[Anonymous]

ADHD. And, seemingly, a useless spouse.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to fix this for her. And stop judging her. Yes, you are judging her. Re-read your post. All you should do is respond with, “Oh wow, that’s too bad.” Or “Boy, that sounds challenging.” Or “You sound frustrated. That makes sense.” If she wants help, she knows where to find you.

This is what you sound like when you’re offering to help her get organized:
https://www.ted.com/talks/michael_bungay_stanier_how_to_tame_your_advice_monster?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is this possible, I wonder? She is so disorganized, a poor planner. Their house is always a mess, constantly late to everything or miss things, they never go on a proper vacation, and her kids stay home half the summer and watch TV, because she and her DH can’t get it together to plan ahead of time and book travel or summer camps. She vents to me about how much she hates it but never does anything about it. The latest was that her son was upset they forgot to attend a classmate’s bday party. I offer to help her create an online calendar and book travel and camp but she always says “Oh no, I can do it”… and then never does it! I’m frustrated on behalf of her kids! She’s a lot smarter than me, and I’m sure is very organized at work to have gotten to her current level. Why do all of those skills fall away at home??

P.S. I know her DH is 50% responsible, but she’s the one I’m related to and talk to

Agree that it sounds like ADHD. I was very much the same way--it's hard to know that you're smart and great at some things and total chaos at others. Everything feels stressful all the time-- and she's probably not seeking help because she feels like she *should* be able to handle things, even though she's obviously not. All of her organization skills and planning go into work, and there's just nothing left over--that's how ADHD works for a lot of professionally successful people, and certainly how it worked for me.

It sounds like she could benefit from some outsourcing, some executive function therapy, and/or ADHD medication.

[Anonymous]

This is what ADHD looks like when there isn't a spouse able/willing to pick up the pieces at home. The old joke goes, your sister needs a wife.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend exactly like this, except they do plan camp for most of the summer.
But yes they forget things, they barely travel, their house is a mess and their dog chews on things around the house which they leave unattended. It takes her forever to do some very mundane things, like I waited a month to find out if her kid will go ToTing with mine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is this possible, I wonder? She is so disorganized, a poor planner. Their house is always a mess, constantly late to everything or miss things, they never go on a proper vacation, and her kids stay home half the summer and watch TV, because she and her DH can’t get it together to plan ahead of time and book travel or summer camps. She vents to me about how much she hates it but never does anything about it. The latest was that her son was upset they forgot to attend a classmate’s bday party. I offer to help her create an online calendar and book travel and camp but she always says “Oh no, I can do it”… and then never does it! I’m frustrated on behalf of her kids! She’s a lot smarter than me, and I’m sure is very organized at work to have gotten to her current level. Why do all of those skills fall away at home??

P.S. I know her DH is 50% responsible, but she’s the one I’m related to and talk to

Agree that it sounds like ADHD. I was very much the same way--it's hard to know that you're smart and great at some things and total chaos at others. Everything feels stressful all the time-- and she's probably not seeking help because she feels like she *should* be able to handle things, even though she's obviously not. All of her organization skills and planning go into work, and there's just nothing left over--that's how ADHD works for a lot of professionally successful people, and certainly how it worked for me.

It sounds like she could benefit from some outsourcing, some executive function therapy, and/or ADHD medication.

I am like OP’s sister except I do book travel and camps since they are important to me. But everything else is chaos. Please tell me about executive Finn too. Therapy! Need this!

[Anonymous]

Many of us don't go on what you'd consider a proper vacation. You sound like a terrible, judgemental sibling. Nothing wrong with kids staying home for 1/2 the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many of us don't go on what you'd consider a proper vacation. You sound like a terrible, judgemental sibling. Nothing wrong with kids staying home for 1/2 the summer.

Where do you get the judgment? OP's sister doesn't sound happy about her family's summer either. "Their house is always a mess, constantly late to everything or miss things, they never go on a proper vacation, and her kids stay home half the summer and watch TV, because she and her DH can’t get it together to plan ahead of time and book travel or summer camps. She vents to me about how much she hates it but never does anything about it. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend exactly like this, except they do plan camp for most of the summer.
But yes they forget things, they barely travel, their house is a mess and their dog chews on things around the house which they leave unattended. It takes her forever to do some very mundane things, like I waited a month to find out if her kid will go ToTing with mine!

WTF, who plans ToTing a month in advance?!? Have I been doing it all wrong? I never ask, nor have I ever had anyone ask us, more than about 3 days in advance. Is this really a thing?? If someone asked me a month in advance, I can't even imagine how I would respond.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many of us don't go on what you'd consider a proper vacation. You sound like a terrible, judgemental sibling. Nothing wrong with kids staying home for 1/2 the summer.

Where do you get the judgment? OP's sister doesn't sound happy about her family's summer either. "Their house is always a mess, constantly late to everything or miss things, they never go on a proper vacation, and her kids stay home half the summer and watch TV, because she and her DH can’t get it together to plan ahead of time and book travel or summer camps. She vents to me about how much she hates it but never does anything about it. "

If you can’t see how OP is judging her sister for not having her act together or for not taking her fabulous advice, you have some serious reading comprehension problems.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you a parent?

[Anonymous]

Eh, I'm pretty much like this, and I'm definitely not ADHD. She may vent to you, because she perceives that you are judging her. In reality, this stuff probably doesn't bother her very much.

I'm very good at my job, which demands a lot of executive functioning and organization. Some of the things you mention are lower priority for me. We have a full-time nanny so that even if I miss out on camp registration, the kids are still entertained. It's not ideal, but it's not terrible either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ADHD. And, seemingly, a useless spouse.

Adhd and/or aspergers

[Anonymous]

Thank you to the helpful posters. I do have kids (a bit older than hers) so I’ve been through the same stages. I love her to pieces and she loves me to pieces and we talk very openly and vent. It frustrates me that the things she complains about are so easily solvable! Especially since she’s so smart and talented at work. I did not realize it could be ADHD. Now the question is, should I bring it up or let it go…