My sister is great at her job and a mess at home

[Anonymous]

“Hey Sis, have you ever done any reading on ADHD in adult women? I was doing some online reading and some women were describing how they were super successful at work, but struggling to organize their home lives. Several of them said they ended up with an ADHD diagnosis and this it was life changing to get help for that. Honestly, it reminded me of some of the stuff you have vented to me about, and I just thought I would mention this in case you wanted to explore it. Oh, what a great picture that little Larlo made?!!”

See if she wants to discuss more or just completely move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what ADHD looks like when there isn't a spouse able/willing to pick up the pieces at home. The old joke goes, your sister needs a wife.

Came here to say this. 100 million percent.

I have ADHD and I have become, through blood, sweat and tears, competent at a good 50% of the Wife and Mother Household Management Work, barely passable at 25% and still a complete disaster at 25%. And that's with extreme effort, good mental health care, etc. Men with ADHD-- or without-- generally never have to figure it out.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I fail at housekeeping. My husband is a brilliant man who has always been free to never learn how to put away his own clothes or run the washing machine. Yes, I've showed him how. He's brilliant. I'm supposedly brilliant, but I don't have a career and what's stopping me from even getting a full-time job right now is the fact that I'd have to do that and still feel terrible about all the housekeeping I can't handle. And I can't handle it. Both of us are so terrible at executive function that we've raised a kid who's terrible about it too. I feel judged all the time. It's breaking me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Sis, have you ever done any reading on ADHD in adult women? I was doing some online reading and some women were describing how they were super successful at work, but struggling to organize their home lives. Several of them said they ended up with an ADHD diagnosis and this it was life changing to get help for that. Honestly, it reminded me of some of the stuff you have vented to me about, and I just thought I would mention this in case you wanted to explore it. Oh, what a great picture that little Larlo made?!!”

See if she wants to discuss more or just completely move on.

I am very much like OP’s sister and I personally would respond well to this tactic.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what ADHD looks like when there isn't a spouse able/willing to pick up the pieces at home. The old joke goes, your sister needs a wife.

Came here to say this. 100 million percent.

I have ADHD and I have become, through blood, sweat and tears, competent at a good 50% of the Wife and Mother Household Management Work, barely passable at 25% and still a complete disaster at 25%. And that's with extreme effort, good mental health care, etc. Men with ADHD-- or without-- generally never have to figure it out.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I fail at housekeeping. My husband is a brilliant man who has always been free to never learn how to put away his own clothes or run the washing machine. Yes, I've showed him how. He's brilliant. I'm supposedly brilliant, but I don't have a career and what's stopping me from even getting a full-time job right now is the fact that I'd have to do that and still feel terrible about all the housekeeping I can't handle. And I can't handle it. Both of us are so terrible at executive function that we've raised a kid who's terrible about it too. I feel judged all the time. It's breaking me.

Are you seeking help? I hate that you feel this way. Do you have a diagnosis? Are you taking medication?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is what ADHD looks like when there isn't a spouse able/willing to pick up the pieces at home. The old joke goes, your sister needs a wife.

Came here to say this. 100 million percent.

I have ADHD and I have become, through blood, sweat and tears, competent at a good 50% of the Wife and Mother Household Management Work, barely passable at 25% and still a complete disaster at 25%. And that's with extreme effort, good mental health care, etc. Men with ADHD-- or without-- generally never have to figure it out.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as I fail at housekeeping. My husband is a brilliant man who has always been free to never learn how to put away his own clothes or run the washing machine. Yes, I've showed him how. He's brilliant. I'm supposedly brilliant, but I don't have a career and what's stopping me from even getting a full-time job right now is the fact that I'd have to do that and still feel terrible about all the housekeeping I can't handle. And I can't handle it. Both of us are so terrible at executive function that we've raised a kid who's terrible about it too. I feel judged all the time. It's breaking me.

I’m so sorry, pp. I could have written your post. The worst is when I flake out and completely forget about an appointment, or an event, or calling someone back. I’ve had friendships and my career ruined over this. I’m doing better now but it is only because I am not working - and that leads to other issues. Don’t be too hard on yourself re your kid. Hopefully there is still time. My eldest is in college and struggles but he is light years ahead of where I was at his age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like me. I’m a superstar at work and it takes most of my brainpower and energy.

At home, my kids are fed, clothed, housed (nicely), and sent to school, but we skip most superfluous activities. We skip many kids bday parties, don’t enroll in various sports, no camps (kids play in our yard and outside) No big deal. I complain about it to make small talk, but really don’t care and think many families are over scheduled and over engineered.

Lol if you think she is adhd. Highly unlikely. She wouldn’t have a big job if she was.
You know how many executive men have no home responsibilities because they have big jobs. Well women can be the same

Myra’s like Steve Jobs and Elon musks. “Brilliant”, great at the office but their home lives and homes were total disasters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you to the helpful posters. I do have kids (a bit older than hers) so I’ve been through the same stages. I love her to pieces and she loves me to pieces and we talk very openly and vent. It frustrates me that the things she complains about are so easily solvable! Especially since she’s so smart and talented at work. I did not realize it could be ADHD. Now the question is, should I bring it up or let it go…

If she has ADHD they are not easily solvable. They may be impossible. These people are buried under a never ending to do list, half the stuff never gets done or is done poorly, their lives are greased poles. It is very distressing and exhausting with nothing to show for it.

[Anonymous]

For those who grew up in this kind of chaotic home (house bordering on hoarder level), what are your takeaways? The adult children on the Hoarder show always mention that they were too embarrassed to ever bring their friends into their home. Family secrets like this can be damaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Hey Sis, have you ever done any reading on ADHD in adult women? I was doing some online reading and some women were describing how they were super successful at work, but struggling to organize their home lives. Several of them said they ended up with an ADHD diagnosis and this it was life changing to get help for that. Honestly, it reminded me of some of the stuff you have vented to me about, and I just thought I would mention this in case you wanted to explore it. Oh, what a great picture that little Larlo made?!!”

See if she wants to discuss more or just completely move on.

I am very much like OP’s sister and I personally would respond well to this tactic.

Same. Strangely, I recently confessed to my sisters during a recent get-together that I think I need to be screened for ADHD. While supportive, I'm not sure they completely take me seriously- I was the "smart" one, but also pretty scatterbrained and "blonde." On the surface I'm successful at work but feel like I'm increasingly dropping balls all over the place and it just hasn't come to a head yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what ADHD looks like when there isn't a spouse able/willing to pick up the pieces at home. The old joke goes, your sister needs a wife.

This. A lot of ADHD people like myself perform well at high-stress jobs because we feed off the dopamine rush of a fast moving environment.
I’m not a hot mess at home because my husband pulls more than 50% of the house/kids/social stuff.