If your parents moved far away during retirement

[Anonymous]

I am so lucky that for half the year my parents live in my neighborhood, the other half year it’s a 3 hour flight and we make the trip once a year. We usually pay because our costs on the other end are almost nothing. Even though the neighborhood house sits empty half the year they won’t sell it because my siblings and I all live within 45 minutes. We are very lucky!

[Anonymous]

My FIL used to pay for us to fly out to visit him once a year and honestly, it was nice, because if he hadn't we probably would have come less often. It depends on your family relationship.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think you are obligated to spend your own money to visit them. They moved, they’re retired, they’re not dragging kids on a flight. If they want to see you, they should pay for it or just make the trip themselves. I say this as the person who has moved away from family. I would not expect other people to spend hundreds of dollars and drag kids on a 5 hr flight to see me.

[Anonymous]

Mil moved to a remote mountain village in Colorado. only way there is long flight with a layover and switching planes, getting a car and driving over the mountains with a 2 hour time change. As we told her when she announced the plan, we never come. Travel is both extremely expensive and way to arduous. Plus it’s a house full on antiques and ‘do not touch’.

[Anonymous]

Both my parents and my in-laws lived far away and we visited both each year, which means we didn't get a lot of other vacations. My in-laws always paid for all 5 of us but my parents couldn't afford that so we paid for the tickets. We just moved away from the D.C. area and I hope to always pay for my kids to visit us along with who ever they choose to bring --a friend, a SO, or their own families. I'm not sure I would have moved if we couldn't afford to do this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you are obligated to spend your own money to visit them. They moved, they’re retired, they’re not dragging kids on a flight. If they want to see you, they should pay for it or just make the trip themselves. I say this as the person who has moved away from family. I would not expect other people to spend hundreds of dollars and drag kids on a 5 hr flight to see me.

WTF??
Some of you people are just selfish. They are not obligated to follow your grown asses around. They can live Where they want and what your relationships me did you figure out how often you see each other how often you visit but if you were the one doing the visiting you pay for your own travel arrangements.
Some of you spoiled ass babies think that your parents are supposed to wrap your whole lives around you from birth until death.

[Anonymous]

Never but my parents live close and have zero interest in us.

[Anonymous]

I don't really buy into the idea of there being any obligation whatsoever on either side to do anything they don't want to do. Everyone is entitled to live their own lives and make their own choices based on what they are willing and able to do, while recognizing that all choices have consequences.

I can understand being disappointed that grandparents choose to move far away when they retire; however, it is their decision. If they still want a close relationship with you/your children, it is their responsibility to foster that relationship as much as possible. This should include them traveling to you and perhaps offering to pay for your to travel to them, while recognizing that it isn't just cost that makes travel difficult for families.

If you want a close relationship with your retired parents/in laws in a distant location, then you get over their choice to be far away and do whatever you can to prioritize the relationship. This would include prioritizing travel to visit them as opposed to other kinds of travel. Or you decide that you'd rather not spend your time off and vacation funds for travel to see family all the time and don't. It is your choice.

Both my husband's family and my family live in states requiring 3 hour flights. Pre-covid we typically traveled to see each side once per year. The result is that my kids do not have close relationships with our families. I am sad about that, but our families literally never travel to visit us and it is important to me to be able to travel to other places. I suppose that means I am prioritizing personal travel over family travel so have my own role to play in the lack of close relationships.

[Anonymous]

My parents live a 5 hour flight away, and it costs around $500/pp to get there. We try to go once a year (alternating Christmas and summer, for a week at a time) and my mom comes here once a year. My dad has never seen my house and we’ve lived here 12 years. Everyone gets to choose what works for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:5 hour flight that will cost our family at least $800/trip. How often would you feel like you had to visit and who pays for the flights?

Did they move to Iceland? Otherwise, how would a five hour flight cost $800?

I’m guessing they mean $800 total, not per person.

Later in the thread they say $3000 total.

I’m the OP, the person who said $3k was not me. $800 is the cost for all four of us to fly.

Whaaat $200pp is nothing! We visit SIL every year and it’s $300pp. We fly MIL/FIL in to visit us every year (they live abroad) and it’s $3,000pp business

[Anonymous]

As a recent retiree I would like to gently suggest that if your parents move a long expensive difficult ways away from you maybe that's a hint that they don't particularly want to hang out with you too often. I'm sure there are other factors involved but it's something to think about.

[Anonymous]

I moved 3,000 miles away from them. I feel zero obligation to visit. See them every five-ish years; I pay to fly there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a recent retiree I would like to gently suggest that if your parents move a long expensive difficult ways away from you maybe that's a hint that they don't particularly want to hang out with you too often. I'm sure there are other factors involved but it's something to think about.

Possibly but you would be surprised by how irrational (and selfish!) people can be.

My parents live in a remote, hard to access location. They also have these fantasy (IMO) ideas about what their lives will look like, including spending Avery holiday with all their kids and grandkids around them in their home. They get aggrieved when we don’t come for holidays or when we go too long between visits, according to their schedule. They don’t seem to consider that we have to balance things like days off from school or work (their location requires more travel time, and thus longer visits for something like Thanksgiving), cost, and desire to spend that time and money on other kinds of trips. They get upset when we can’t visit or choose not to fit these reasons, and attempt to guilt me. They will offer to pay but don’t understand it’s not just about money.

They also have unreasonable expectations when they visit us. For instance, they are visiting us the week before Thanksgiving this year (because they are attending a wedding nearby), and have asked that I keep the kids out of school the days they are in town so they can spend time with them. I’ve explained that I’m really reluctant to do this at this time, since it’s right before days off for thanksgiving and also so close to end of term. Plus they only get so many excused absences a year and I don’t think this is a good way to use them. But my mom cried when I told her this. Keep in mind they can still see them in the afternoons and evenings, and it was their choice to visit midweek.

Sometimes people are just selfish and expect others to move mountains to give them what they want.

[Anonymous]

We meet halfway for vacations (think amusement park or a beach rental). We each drive and I pay for the rental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a recent retiree I would like to gently suggest that if your parents move a long expensive difficult ways away from you maybe that's a hint that they don't particularly want to hang out with you too often. I'm sure there are other factors involved but it's something to think about.

Eh, not OP but in our case multiple family members are all spread out. They might be far from me but their location has low cost of living and is close to other also-valued family members. It’s not always a message being sent.