Moving mom into assisted living guilt!

[Anonymous]

I say this gently, OP: your mom is going to die. You will survive. You may want to start working with a therapist now to talk through what you want to resolve with her before she goes. She is already past her average life expectancy and she was a long time smoker. She could die in her sleep tonight. Please get help for yourself.

[Anonymous]

you sound selfish and immature. you want your mom to live as long as possible but she wants to live. stop patronizing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She may not recover enough to go home, she may well die there. Also she may bond enough with the other residents not to want to go home.

Day by day OP. That's all you can do for now.

This. She may very well have another stroke or fall that makes her return home impossible.

[Anonymous]

Your mom's safety trumps whether or not she's mad at you.

You're absolutely doing the right thing - bravo for you!

You'll never get the satisfaction of a crystal ball that lets you see what you avoided by getting your mother into assisted living, but the overwhelming likelihood is that you saved her from future injury and hospitalizations. You therefore saved her from avoidable pain, from avoidable trauma, from complications or life shortening issues that can arise from slip and fall and subsequent hospitalization events, etc...

You also saved yourself from the nightmare stress of the calls from paramedics who are responding to a 911 call from your mom, or - god forbid - the discovery that your mother needed help but couldn't get to a phone. You're saving your family from all the related stress and disruption. And so on...

I just went through a lot of similar things with my mom, and one of the lifelines I held onto for my own sanity and decision making was "safety first". It's just the only smart approach.

So good for you OP. I hope your mother settles in, learns that feeling supported and safe is something she actually needed, and you all can sleep better at night!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s healthier for her in assisted living.

People at home are not qualified. People at home care get more bed doses, less movement, less socialization and are more likely to fall or have an accident.

I wouldn't bet on that.

It's true.

It's also very unheathly for the care taker who are not trained to wash/move/care for the elderly. OP will throw out her back and it will affect her mental health.

Falls in assisted living rarely happen, breaking hips at home/falling in the shower/etc very common at home. Home are not handicap accessible, showers are not accessible.

Bed soars are common when cared for a home because people are too busy or weak to constantly move their loved one.

+1. We cared for my grandmother in her later years. Falling is what ultimately killed her - we watched her closely but no one could hover within a foot of her 24/7 in case she fell, and she was overweight and weighed more than anyone else in the house, so not exactly easy to catch or lift. Her last fall was with several family members in the same room - she had a walker but didn’t consistently use it and it’s not like we could force her to stay in bed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom's safety trumps whether or not she's mad at you.

You're absolutely doing the right thing - bravo for you!

You'll never get the satisfaction of a crystal ball that lets you see what you avoided by getting your mother into assisted living, but the overwhelming likelihood is that you saved her from future injury and hospitalizations. You therefore saved her from avoidable pain, from avoidable trauma, from complications or life shortening issues that can arise from slip and fall and subsequent hospitalization events, etc...

You also saved yourself from the nightmare stress of the calls from paramedics who are responding to a 911 call from your mom, or - god forbid - the discovery that your mother needed help but couldn't get to a phone. You're saving your family from all the related stress and disruption. And so on...

I just went through a lot of similar things with my mom, and one of the lifelines I held onto for my own sanity and decision making was "safety first". It's just the only smart approach.

So good for you OP. I hope your mother settles in, learns that feeling supported and safe is something she actually needed, and you all can sleep better at night!

OP here. Thank you so much! I’m trying to get her to understand that her safety is my priority but it’s been hard. She’s very angry right now . I hope this is temporary because it’s really hard to visit her when she’s throwing daggers at me with her eyes and constant snark. She’d rather go back to her home where there was LITERALLY a shooting/death directly across the street from her. Not only is she safe but also out of her neighborhood that has gone to hell.

[Anonymous]

Passage of time Op. After a few months my parents forgot any of their objections. You would have thought moving there was their idea. Just act like this is perfectly natural that she would live in her new place. Don't define it. Do not talk about anywhere else. You want time to pass. When she talks about going back home listen some, change the subject. Stall, and stall some more re "going home". Say it's safer for her to stay in assisted living "through the winter". For example.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Passage of time Op. After a few months my parents forgot any of their objections. You would have thought moving there was their idea. Just act like this is perfectly natural that she would live in her new place. Don't define it. Do not talk about anywhere else. You want time to pass. When she talks about going back home listen some, change the subject. Stall, and stall some more re "going home". Say it's safer for her to stay in assisted living "through the winter". For example.

You’re the best. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Also my once perfectly dressed mom with hair and makeup now looks like a homeless woman. Her hygiene has also dropped significantly as well. I even had a wam water bidet attached to her toilet because she has a difficult time cleaning. Fyi when she was home for the week after her stroke she would put a large container of water next to her toilet. So she did want to clean herself properly. Now the convenient bidet goes unused and a lot of times she smells bad. I had a talk with nursing and told them she gets mandatory showers every other day. Yesterday I said mom you smell bad and she said what do I smell like. I just responded please let me help you take a shower and she said ok. She won’t brush her hair or put a drop of makeup on and I removed a black nightgown she was wearing down to the dining room. I look around at other residents and they all look nice and make an effort. She says why do I need to look nice in this place? I told her when you were home you worked in an office by yourself and maybe went to grocery store, had zero social life yet, you still showered and looked put together daily.

Anonymous wrote:Passage of time Op. After a few months my parents forgot any of their objections. You would have thought moving there was their idea. Just act like this is perfectly natural that she would live in her new place. Don't define it. Do not talk about anywhere else. You want time to pass. When she talks about going back home listen some, change the subject. Stall, and stall some more re "going home". Say it's safer for her to stay in assisted living "through the winter". For example.

You’re the best. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Also, my once perfectly dressed mom with hair and makeup now looks like a homeless woman. Her hygiene has dropped significantly as well. I even had a warm water bidet attached to her toilet because she has a difficult time cleaning. Fyi when she was home for the week after her stroke she would put a large container of water next to her toilet. So she did want to clean herself properly. Now the convenient bidet goes unused and a lot of times she smells bad. I talked with nursing and told them she gets mandatory showers every other day. Yesterday I said mom you smell bad and she said what do I smell like. I just responded please let me help you take a shower and she said ok. She won’t brush her hair and has bed head or put a drop of makeup on and I removed a black nightgown she was wearing down to the dining room. I look around at other residents and they all look nice and make an effort. She tells me why do I need to look nice in this place? I told her when you were home she worked in an office by herself and maybe went to the grocery store, had zero social life yet you still showered and looked nice daily. I know 100% if I took her back home she would return to her normal hygiene and beauty routine.

Should I have management talk to her? I’m sure they know how to gently tell her she needs to look presentable and have good hygiene in their facility. She is just being defiant.

[Anonymous]

We refused to help my father find a place where he could live independently. He’s a hoarder with serious health issues. We put him in a nursing home after a hospitalization. He could stay where he was —a place we found for him with a lot of time, effort, and money on our part. Or he could find a place on his own. He has spent the last year trying to find a place. It gives him something to do. The closest he ever came was an apartment that was on the third floor with no elevator. When he asked us to take him to see it, we were all too busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous[b wrote:]It’s healthier for her in assisted living.[/b]

People at home are not qualified. People at home care get more bed doses, less movement, less socialization and are more likely to fall or have an accident.

Not necessarily. Not now.

We moved my grandma into assisted living three months ago. She caught Covid there and died gasping for air last week.

I wish I had taken her into my home.