Moving mom into assisted living guilt!

[Anonymous]

Independent 80 yr old mom suffered a stroke that left her needing assistance with daily activities. Her lifestyle consisted of sitting around watching tv , chain smoking, no social life, text bombing us kids on who would take her to a heart attack on a plate restaurant. She wanted a live in care giver but couldn’t afford it. I found her a gorgeous al apt with beautiful views overlooking the water. The place is so nice I’m definitely planning on moving there when I need to! I know there is a transition period in these situations. She’s depressed, sleeping a lot and grumpy as hell. . 130 residents in the place and she’s made some friends already. Btw she has a fantastic personality. I’ve noticed she has made remarkable improvements with her motility because the dining room is a nice walk from her apt so she’s actually getting some exercise for the first time in her life. Not to mention she can’t smoke, eating healthy and gets med management for her high blood pressure and cholesterol she ignored for years which led to her stroke to begin with. We told her if she recovered she could go back home but didn’t think she would considering the significant damage the stroke caused. She is making incredible strides with the lifestyle change alone. I refuse to let her move back home to that incredibly unhealthy lifestyle that will shorten her life significantly. Her mom lived to 96 but didn’t smoke and was a lot more active. I believe this new environment will add years to her life. I love my mom so much I literally can’t imagine losing her. It will be such a devastating loss that I feel I won’t be able to survive it at times.
Now that I see she will probably recover enough to go back home, how in the hell do I stop her without her getting irate with me?

[Anonymous]

You should ask to move this to the mid-life forum.

Bottom line is that your mother is a competent adult. She gets to determine where and how she lives. She may decide she doesn't want to go back home so you may be worrying for nothing.

[Anonymous]

Keep moving the goalposts as to what “recover enough to go home” really means. Make her own meals, manage her own meds, etc. And most of all build up all the positives of this place. Try to interact with her more there so she knows she’s not being “left” there. Meet her new friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Independent 80 yr old mom suffered a stroke that left her needing assistance with daily activities. Her lifestyle consisted of sitting around watching tv , chain smoking, no social life, text bombing us kids on who would take her to a heart attack on a plate restaurant. She wanted a live in care giver but couldn’t afford it. I found her a gorgeous al apt with beautiful views overlooking the water. The place is so nice I’m definitely planning on moving there when I need to! I know there is a transition period in these situations. She’s depressed, sleeping a lot and grumpy as hell. . 130 residents in the place and she’s made some friends already. Btw she has a fantastic personality. I’ve noticed she has made remarkable improvements with her motility because the dining room is a nice walk from her apt so she’s actually getting some exercise for the first time in her life. Not to mention she can’t smoke, eating healthy and gets med management for her high blood pressure and cholesterol she ignored for years which led to her stroke to begin with. We told her if she recovered she could go back home but didn’t think she would considering the significant damage the stroke caused. She is making incredible strides with the lifestyle change alone. I refuse to let her move back home to that incredibly unhealthy lifestyle that will shorten her life significantly. Her mom lived to 96 but didn’t smoke and was a lot more active. I believe this new environment will add years to her life. I love my mom so much I literally can’t imagine losing her. It will be such a devastating loss that I feel I won’t be able to survive it at times.
Now that I see she will probably recover enough to go back home, how in the hell do I stop her without her getting irate with me?

My mom wasn't similar to yours with the unhealthy choices like no exercise etc but we were faced with the move out from assisted living facility apartment back to the house. There is nothing you can do if social services deems her competent. The parent might make changes to remove or ameliorate hazards but then get a 3rd party to put stuff back [ie trip hazards].

That assisted living apartment could add years of good quality of living just by the nature of the facility. No hazards. My mom had no underlying conditions but had the entirely avoidable orthopedic injuries which were the result of her living environment.

[Anonymous]

She may not recover enough to go home, she may well die there. Also she may bond enough with the other residents not to want to go home.

Day by day OP. That's all you can do for now.

[Anonymous]

My MIL was in assisted because she wanted to be closer to her DH who was in memory care. After her DH died, she moved out of memory care into regular assisted living. This was 8 yrs ago. She is still there and her house, in a very hot housing market, sits empty waiting for her. The house was put in trust for her and is well maintained. She’s 89 and we all know she is not going anywhere including back to her house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was in assisted because she wanted to be closer to her DH who was in memory care. After her DH died, she moved out of memory care into regular assisted living. This was 8 yrs ago. She is still there and her house, in a very hot housing market, sits empty waiting for her. The house was put in trust for her and is well maintained. She’s 89 and we all know she is not going anywhere including back to her house.

I'm not understanding this - why was your mother in memory care? My parents moved into assisted living together in an apartment, and my dad was subsequently moved to memory care for his dementia. My mom remained in the apartment but visited him daily. I haven't heard of a case where the spouse actually moves into the memory care portion themselves unless they also require those services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL was in assisted because she wanted to be closer to her DH who was in memory care. After her DH died, she moved out of memory care into regular assisted living. This was 8 yrs ago. She is still there and her house, in a very hot housing market, sits empty waiting for her. The house was put in trust for her and is well maintained. She’s 89 and we all know she is not going anywhere including back to her house.

I'm not understanding this - why was your mother in memory care? My parents moved into assisted living together in an apartment, and my dad was subsequently moved to memory care for his dementia. My mom remained in the apartment but visited him daily. I haven't heard of a case where the spouse actually moves into the memory care portion themselves unless they also require those services.

MIL was allowed to be in the memory care unit with her DH because this was a new assisted living facility and they had room. They lived in their own apt within the memory care unit. I doubt this would be allowed now since there is a long waiting list for memory care.

[Anonymous]

It’s healthier for her in assisted living.

People at home are not qualified. People at home care get more bed doses, less movement, less socialization and are more likely to fall or have an accident.

[Anonymous]

Soars not doses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s healthier for her in assisted living.

People at home are not qualified. People at home care get more bed doses, less movement, less socialization and are more likely to fall or have an accident.

I wouldn't bet on that.

[Anonymous]

I can't even imagine a woman her age who was a chain smoker could just give that up without serious physical and psychological issues. My mom smoked until two days before she died at age 90. She wouldn't even talk about quitting much less try it. If we had put her in assisted living she would have either just died or would have hated us or both. We took care of her at home with paid help during the day while we worked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s healthier for her in assisted living.

People at home are not qualified. People at home care get more bed doses, less movement, less socialization and are more likely to fall or have an accident.

I wouldn't bet on that.

It's true.

It's also very unheathly for the care taker who are not trained to wash/move/care for the elderly. OP will throw out her back and it will affect her mental health.

Falls in assisted living rarely happen, breaking hips at home/falling in the shower/etc very common at home. Home are not handicap accessible, showers are not accessible.

Bed soars are common when cared for a home because people are too busy or weak to constantly move their loved one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s healthier for her in assisted living.

People at home are not qualified. People at home care get more bed doses, less movement, less socialization and are more likely to fall or have an accident.

I wouldn't bet on that.

It's true.

It's also very unheathly for the care taker who are not trained to wash/move/care for the elderly. OP will throw out her back and it will affect her mental health.

Falls in assisted living rarely happen, breaking hips at home/falling in the shower/etc very common at home. Home are not handicap accessible, showers are not accessible.

Bed soars are common when cared for a home because people are too busy or weak to constantly move their loved one.

OP here. I agree with everything you said. My mom was black and blue from all the falls she had at home prior to me dragging her to the emergency room to rehab to assisted living. All the bruises have healed and she’s being so cared for. Getting lots of exercise, eating healthy, made a few friends and hasn’t mentioned cigarettes! She’s still upset and cranky being there but I cannot allow her to go back to her home. Maybe if I wanted my inheritance super fast I’d move her back home. But I’d rather have my mom than money!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't even imagine a woman her age who was a chain smoker could just give that up without serious physical and psychological issues. My mom smoked until two days before she died at age 90. She wouldn't even talk about quitting much less try it. If we had put her in assisted living she would have either just died or would have hated us or both. We took care of her at home with paid help during the day while we worked.

OP here. Well good for you! My mom is 80 and do you really think she would make it even a few more years living at home sitting and smoking? Not to mention the fall risk even with help. She would be bed bound in less than a year I’m sure. Thank god my mom doesn’t have the character to hate her children. No matter what she will always love us. She will adapt and we will get to have her for many more years I hope and pray.