Explain this weird MIL behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is she has fond childhood memories of weekly dinners at her grandmas.

We had Sunday dinners at my grandmother’s house. My grandparents had a ton of kids so whoever was around would show up with their family. Some of my fondest memories are of those gatherings.

[Anonymous]

With covid many people don't want to dine in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's generational and cultural. I'm from the UK and my MIL was always horribly overbearing in terms of food, constantly offering something, a meal, a chocolate, a yogurt, a piece of fruit. Endless. To the point of absolute farce.

I think in some ways it's for lack of knowing how else to contribute, if that makes sense? And wanting to be welcoming but to the point it becomes almost psychotic.

It needs to be openly addressed by your DH. He should ask her about it, find out what is going on, maybe make gentle suggestions that these aren't your expectations of her and how sometimes it's great to eat a meal at her house but other times she should come to you.

But you can't let it keep happening.

This reminded me of my great aunt, long gone now. Not only were we fed, but we had to take home containers of food, a ham sandwich for the road, etc. I was so annoyed about it at the time, but it's just funny in retrospect. Her food was very good, except for the things I was just picky about. She would say, "I have to teach you how to properly entertain, because I know your mother can't do it." Hahaha!!

I think some of these older people were raised when food wasn't so crazily abundant, and that influenced their manners. It would always be a treat to have dinner served to you, and it was the woman's place to make that happen. All kinds of self-worth tied up in being a wonderful host(ess).

[Anonymous]

Just acknowledge her special gift. Then ease in slowly. "I know you love to cook for us but we're not able to come this week juggling the timing of other things we have scheduled. Would you be able to come to our house for a light dinner on Sunday? The kids want Dan to grill burgers but feel free to bring a salad or dessert if you still want to cook."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's generational and cultural. I'm from the UK and my MIL was always horribly overbearing in terms of food, constantly offering something, a meal, a chocolate, a yogurt, a piece of fruit. Endless. To the point of absolute farce.

I think in some ways it's for lack of knowing how else to contribute, if that makes sense? And wanting to be welcoming but to the point it becomes almost psychotic.

It needs to be openly addressed by your DH. He should ask her about it, find out what is going on, maybe make gentle suggestions that these aren't your expectations of her and how sometimes it's great to eat a meal at her house but other times she should come to you.

But you can't let it keep happening.

This reminded me of my great aunt, long gone now. Not only were we fed, but we had to take home containers of food, a ham sandwich for the road, etc. I was so annoyed about it at the time, but it's just funny in retrospect. Her food was very good, except for the things I was just picky about. She would say, "I have to teach you how to properly entertain, because I know your mother can't do it." Hahaha!!

I think some of these older people were raised when food wasn't so crazily abundant, and that influenced their manners. It would always be a treat to have dinner served to you, and it was the woman's place to make that happen. All kinds of self-worth tied up in being a wonderful host(ess).

This part is completely true with my MIL. Raised in the depression, on a rural farm, and food was scarce and it was a family matter. She is a good cook, and I do enjoy her meals. She would rather cook than eat out (it's better for you) and just can't handle waste of food.
Sounds like your MIL may have similar issues. Just wants to take care of people one of the only ways she feels like she can at this age.

[Anonymous]

Pick the frequency you can tolerate this and make it clear that it what you will do. Eating with my mom is so stressful….she watches what everyone eats and comments on it. It makes the meals really stressful. I can totally understand why you do not want to commit to that weekly.

I do wonder if the timing is a bit covid related. Do you think she does not trust outside food? Perhaps in the future, just make it clear - we are having a picnic and buying food at X. Let her bring food for her if she wants. Just be very clear and firm.

[Anonymous]

it's an age thing. As my mother aged she became obsessed with food. My MIL is getting older now and it's starting- she's become obsessed with why people aren't eating dessert!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is the same way. And she’s an abysmal cook. Like really really bad. I have just gotten tough and firm about it and don’t let her guilt trip me.

Gosh this is so common!

[Anonymous]

This is typical grandma behavior. It doesn't get more typical than this. Grandmas invite you over to nag and overfeed you. Somehow their love still shines through, and that(the love) is mostly what the grandkids will remember.

Relax and let your kids have these memories. My DH still remembers all the Sundays he spent at his grandma's.

[Anonymous]

Is your MIL’s name Marie Barone?

[Anonymous]

My MIL notices every single thing I order, eat, don't eat, etc. It is so annoying to the point I absolutely hate having meals in her presence. I find myself trying to descreetly order my food or practically whispering my order and just totally cringing when the waiter loudly states my order.
She pays attention to what DH and my kids are eating or not eating as well. Even if she isn't commenting on it her eyes are darting across the table in total panic trying to keep track of what everyone is doing with their food. It drives me crazy.
If we are at her house, she is constantly monitoring everything. I don't even feel comfortable getting a glass of water in their house.
I do think a lot of it is that people like your MIL or MIL put so much of their self worth in things like this. As if they are as only as good as their cooking or catering or hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL notices every single thing I order, eat, don't eat, etc. It is so annoying to the point I absolutely hate having meals in her presence. I find myself trying to descreetly order my food or practically whispering my order and just totally cringing when the waiter loudly states my order.
She pays attention to what DH and my kids are eating or not eating as well. Even if she isn't commenting on it her eyes are darting across the table in total panic trying to keep track of what everyone is doing with their food. It drives me crazy.
If we are at her house, she is constantly monitoring everything. I don't even feel comfortable getting a glass of water in their house.
I do think a lot of it is that people like your MIL or MIL put so much of their self worth in things like this. As if they are as only as good as their cooking or catering or hosting.

My MIL is like this, but I just…don’t care. I order what I order, I eat what I eat, I don’t eat what I don’t want to eat. It’s that simple. Tiptoeing around her and playing her game is giving her power. Why?

If and when my MIL comments, I just look her straight in the eye, big smile, “Yes, I’m having pecan pie for breakfast the day after Thanksgiving. It’s tradition for me, and so heavenly. You can have some if you want.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is the same way. And she’s an abysmal cook. Like really really bad. I have just gotten tough and firm about it and don’t let her guilt trip me.

Same here. My MIL insists on hosting both her and FIL’s birthday and usually 1-2 other non-major holidays. We go a few times a year because it’s important to my husband and for our kids to see their grandparents. That’s all I’m willing to tolerate, especially considering that 1/2 the time I get mild food poisoning and her cooking gets worse with every passing year. No way would I agree to a weekly dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's something that she envisioned herself doing, "Sunday dinners at grandma's!" and she can't let go of the idea, even if it isn't actually awesome in execution. To her, this is what it means to be matriarch or whatever.

I would decide how often I was willing to go to her house for a meal. 1x a month. 1x every two months. Something like that, or less often, really, if that's what works for you. And then just stick to it.

How have the holidays been since they moved closer?

Thanks, that's helpful perspective. I think going to their house every other week is OK for me. Other weekends they can either come over or join us in whatever we are doing. I want to do my part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is her main activity and she makes the prep for it last all week.

OP here. That does compute. She does not have other hobbies or interests.