Explain this weird MIL behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would consider some outside chances, for example, maybe she is having a hard time getting out of the house because of physical issues. Or maybe she is concerned about spending money when they go out.

But probably, she just wants things her way, and is pouting when you don't cooperate.

No medical issues - she tells us all the medical issues, so we would know.
Spending money is also not an issue. We always pay when we go out.

I thought perhaps maybe they just don't like to eat outside their own home anymore, but they do occasionally go to friends' houses, including some that live a 45 min drive away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Food is her love language. So go and eat there. I would love for someone to cook for me once a week.

In principle, yes, it sounds lovely. And I'd love to go. But in reality, we end up driving 40 mins each way to have her micromanage our food intake. I'll still do it because it is family, but I just want to understand the behavior better so that I can learn strategies around it, or maybe even help her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is her main activity and she makes the prep for it last all week.

OP here. That does compute. She does not have other hobbies or interests.

NP with a different theory: could she have agoraphobia and or anxiety?

Might she only be “comfortable” in her own house?

I recognize the cancellations for outside activities and also the extreme fussiness, hyper focus (and uneasiness) with everyone while in her house.

- recovered agoraphobic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why don't you want to? I understand if every week is too much, but dinner at grandma's is the stuff of childhood memories and the food will be better than a picnic.

In principle, yes. But now my DD has also started noticing the behavior. The last time we were there, DD said "no, thank you" 8 times in a row to MIL who was basically trying to force feed her. And then when MIL asked her a totally unrelated question, DD still instinctively responded, "no, thank you."
DD only has 1 grandmother. My mom passed away. I'd love for her to have a loving relationship with MIL. But her behavior is making it difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's generational and cultural. I'm from the UK and my MIL was always horribly overbearing in terms of food, constantly offering something, a meal, a chocolate, a yogurt, a piece of fruit. Endless. To the point of absolute farce.

I think in some ways it's for lack of knowing how else to contribute, if that makes sense? And wanting to be welcoming but to the point it becomes almost psychotic.

It needs to be openly addressed by your DH. He should ask her about it, find out what is going on, maybe make gentle suggestions that these aren't your expectations of her and how sometimes it's great to eat a meal at her house but other times she should come to you.

But you can't let it keep happening.

The part about this being the only way to contribute does resonate. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“We HAVE TO eat everything?”

Come on, OP. You’re a grown-ass adult. You don’t “have to” eat anything. Point blank period.

“No, thank you; I don’t want that tonight.”

“No, Timmy and Janie don’t have to have that. They’re fine with soup and salad.”

Be an adult. Be a parent. Be accountable for your own damn choices. Stop being a mealy-mouthed ninny. I have zero respect for hapless, whining adults.

Don’t want MIL to tell you what to eat? Then don’t let MIL tell you what to eat, or when, or how much. It IS that simple.

I didn't actually ask for advise on what I should do. I asked for insights on why she might be behaving that way. Thanks anyway though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My guess is she has fond childhood memories of weekly dinners at her grandmas.

We had Sunday dinners at my grandmother’s house. My grandparents had a ton of kids so whoever was around would show up with their family. Some of my fondest memories are of those gatherings.

I'd love to have that as well. My mother passed away last year and I don't have much family around besides them.
When we go to their house, besides micromanaging every aspect of the meal, she also spends most of her time in the kitchen. So we are mostly left with FIL who barely says a word. DH usually just puts on the TV.
That's why I started suggesting activities like picnic or meeting us at a restaurant. But that isn't working out either.
I suppose it is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is her main activity and she makes the prep for it last all week.

OP here. That does compute. She does not have other hobbies or interests.

NP with a different theory: could she have agoraphobia and or anxiety?

Might she only be “comfortable” in her own house?

I recognize the cancellations for outside activities and also the extreme fussiness, hyper focus (and uneasiness) with everyone while in her house.

- recovered agoraphobic

That's an interesting insight. At the very least, I do there there could be anxiety involved. I don't know much about agoraphobia, but I'll research it and see if anything adds up. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
What does she say to joint outings outside of mealtimes, such as visiting a park or botanical garden, or holiday lights?

If she wants to go nowhere and is fixated on feeding you at her house, then go as often as you want, and stop inviting her to other things. Or perhaps invite just FIL... maybe he's lonely, the poor thing

I tried - I asked if she wanted to go berry picking with DD and I, but that was a hard no. Instead she insisted we come over for lunch afterwards. Part of why I suggest these kinds of activities is so that she does more things with DD and the two of them can actually have something to talk about, like the time they went berry picking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's generational and cultural. I'm from the UK and my MIL was always horribly overbearing in terms of food, constantly offering something, a meal, a chocolate, a yogurt, a piece of fruit. Endless. To the point of absolute farce.

I think in some ways it's for lack of knowing how else to contribute, if that makes sense? And wanting to be welcoming but to the point it becomes almost psychotic.

It needs to be openly addressed by your DH. He should ask her about it, find out what is going on, maybe make gentle suggestions that these aren't your expectations of her and how sometimes it's great to eat a meal at her house but other times she should come to you.

But you can't let it keep happening.

This reminded me of my great aunt, long gone now. Not only were we fed, but we had to take home containers of food, a ham sandwich for the road, etc. I was so annoyed about it at the time, but it's just funny in retrospect. Her food was very good, except for the things I was just picky about. She would say, "I have to teach you how to properly entertain, because I know your mother can't do it." Hahaha!!

I think some of these older people were raised when food wasn't so crazily abundant, and that influenced their manners. It would always be a treat to have dinner served to you, and it was the woman's place to make that happen. All kinds of self-worth tied up in being a wonderful host(ess).

I do get the sense that a lot of her self worth is tied up with being the one that feeds everyone. And this may be getting exponentially worse with age. We used to take dessert when we went to their place, but we stopped doing that because even though I would tell her we were bringing dessert, she would still make something or even buy something for dessert. At one point, she didn't even serve a homemade dessert that I brought, instead pulled out a costco cake she bought for dinner. After that I stopped taking dessert so that she can star whatever she likes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just acknowledge her special gift. Then ease in slowly. "I know you love to cook for us but we're not able to come this week juggling the timing of other things we have scheduled. Would you be able to come to our house for a light dinner on Sunday? The kids want Dan to grill burgers but feel free to bring a salad or dessert if you still want to cook."

Nicely put. Very classy. OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:it's an age thing. As my mother aged she became obsessed with food. My MIL is getting older now and it's starting- she's become obsessed with why people aren't eating dessert!

So this obsession with food is a wider trend? That's very helpful, thanks.
_OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is your MIL’s name Marie Barone?

Ha! I was going to ask the same thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:it's an age thing. As my mother aged she became obsessed with food. My MIL is getting older now and it's starting- she's become obsessed with why people aren't eating dessert!

So this obsession with food is a wider trend? That's very helpful, thanks.
_OP

I’ve noticed this in our family as well. My MIL is always talking about food, worrying about what everyone’s eating, saying she ate too much when she barely ate at all, etc. My mom comes to visit and wants to plan and prepare all the meals at our house. We are decent cooks but she really enjoys doing it. She’d rather plan/prepare meals than do just about anything else. It’s how she contributes to family gatherings. She would rather do that than sit around and talk/relax, play w grandkids, etc.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has colitis and gets stressed when she has to go out because she isn’t sure if the bathroom situation. I would guess it’s either medical or social anxiety of some sort. I’d just make it part of the weekly plan and go visit once a week.