Explain this weird MIL behavior

[Anonymous]

About two years ago, my ILs moved to be closer to us. They are both in their 70s. We see them frequently and my husband helps them a lot with logistics like plane ticket, insurance, whatever they need. I am also happy to support them when needed.

But my MIL is fixated on us coming over to her house every weekend for a meal. No other meet up plan seems to work for her. If I invite her to my house, she insists that we come to her place instead. If we ask to meet for a picnic, that also seems to cause drama. We did this for father's day and she insisted on doing all the cooking for the picnic, even though I told her everyone likes to eat at the excellent snack bar at the beach. Well, we had to lug 4 bags of food to the beach, and no one ate lukewarm, soggy food from home and everyone wanted chicken tenders, which put her in a bad mood the rest of the picnic. I could not exactly blame my daughter for wanting ice cream over lukewarm custard.

Twice we have made plans to meet them at a restaurant or an event, and she has reluctantly agreed - but then on the day-of I get a text from my FIL saying she isn't feeling well. She isn't sick. I called to check on her the next day and she was at a friends' house.

When we go to her house she is totally overbearing - we have to eat everything. And she comments on how little each of us is eating. She spends a lot of time cooking and seems totally exhausted.

Is this some kind of controlling behavior? Or maybe defining her self-worth through feeding people that is getting worse with age? I get the sense my husband also finds the behavior strange, although this isn't something he openly talks to me about. My FIL generally has no say in the plans - he does everything she wants.

Any insights?

[Anonymous]

I think it's something that she envisioned herself doing, "Sunday dinners at grandma's!" and she can't let go of the idea, even if it isn't actually awesome in execution. To her, this is what it means to be matriarch or whatever.

I would decide how often I was willing to go to her house for a meal. 1x a month. 1x every two months. Something like that, or less often, really, if that's what works for you. And then just stick to it.

How have the holidays been since they moved closer?

[Anonymous]

This is her main activity and she makes the prep for it last all week.

[Anonymous]

What does she say to joint outings outside of mealtimes, such as visiting a park or botanical garden, or holiday lights?

If she wants to go nowhere and is fixated on feeding you at her house, then go as often as you want, and stop inviting her to other things. Or perhaps invite just FIL... maybe he's lonely, the poor thing

[Anonymous]

My MIL is the same way. And she’s an abysmal cook. Like really really bad. I have just gotten tough and firm about it and don’t let her guilt trip me.

[Anonymous]

Does she want to stay close to her home because of any medical issue? Would you know? Like the bathroom.

And then maybe all this over the top prep is just to assure you have a wonderful time and want to do it this way

(though wouldn't explain her picnic menu)

[Anonymous]

I would consider some outside chances, for example, maybe she is having a hard time getting out of the house because of physical issues. Or maybe she is concerned about spending money when they go out.

But probably, she just wants things her way, and is pouting when you don't cooperate.

[Anonymous]

Is she from a different culture?
This behavior is typical for many grandmas from back home... except most of them are good cooks, thaankfully.
Desire to feed coupled with mistrust to restaurants!

[Anonymous]

Food is her love language. So go and eat there. I would love for someone to cook for me once a week.

[Anonymous]

My guess is she has fond childhood memories of weekly dinners at her grandmas.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you want to? I understand if every week is too much, but dinner at grandma's is the stuff of childhood memories and the food will be better than a picnic.

[Anonymous]

It could be control, it could be food issues, it could be anxiety over food not prepared by her own hands…

No matter what it is, it’s not your problem.

“If you and Fred want to pack a lunch, that’s great, but the kids and I are going to get corn dogs at the snack bar. They love it, and it’s a special treat.”

“Oh, sorry to miss you. We’re going to keep our reservation at Franco’s…I’ve been looking forward to the calamari all week. If you change your mind, let me know.”

“Oh, sorry our place doesn’t work for you this weekend. I’ve already bought all the ingredients, so I’m going to make lasagna. If you change your mind, let us know!”

There are no victims here, only volunteers. Stop signing up for her crazy. Let her be crazy, and you do what your family wants to do. If that means you eat with her every third weekend at her house, OK.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is similar. I think it’s how she shows her love. She wants to feed everyone good food, healthy food. She’s a doc and not at all a fan of eating out because she thinks the food is not good for you. If she’s close by, is it difficult to have one meal/week there? Save the picnics for times without her since the food thing makes it less enjoyable for everyone, including her. My mom used to have weekly Sunday dinners and it was nice.

[Anonymous]

I think it's generational and cultural. I'm from the UK and my MIL was always horribly overbearing in terms of food, constantly offering something, a meal, a chocolate, a yogurt, a piece of fruit. Endless. To the point of absolute farce.

I think in some ways it's for lack of knowing how else to contribute, if that makes sense? And wanting to be welcoming but to the point it becomes almost psychotic.

It needs to be openly addressed by your DH. He should ask her about it, find out what is going on, maybe make gentle suggestions that these aren't your expectations of her and how sometimes it's great to eat a meal at her house but other times she should come to you.

But you can't let it keep happening.

[Anonymous]

“We HAVE TO eat everything?”

Come on, OP. You’re a grown-ass adult. You don’t “have to” eat anything. Point blank period.

“No, thank you; I don’t want that tonight.”

“No, Timmy and Janie don’t have to have that. They’re fine with soup and salad.”

Be an adult. Be a parent. Be accountable for your own damn choices. Stop being a mealy-mouthed ninny. I have zero respect for hapless, whining adults.

Don’t want MIL to tell you what to eat? Then don’t let MIL tell you what to eat, or when, or how much. It IS that simple.