Niece staying with me for 2 months - payment? Rent? Nothing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the aunt I would ask for nothing.

As the parent, I would offer rent.

As the aunt, I would decline the money.

As the parent, I would give my daughter money for her own food. I would also get a grocery store gift card for aunt along with another nice thank you. And have daughter treat aunt to a nice meal out.

+ 1

Very nice.

In my immigrant family, this is how it would play out, though it is not very different in spirit to what you have written.
- Neither the aunt nor the parent would ask or offer anything. To do so would be insulting in our culture.
- The parents would send some nice expensive personal gifts to the aunt with the niece (perfume, skincare from la mer, designer handbag, sunglasses etc), and in subsequent months, they would find ways to repay back in some ways - restaurant meal, flowers, gift cards, a maid service, food gifts, gift certs for manicures, massages, tickets for movies or a show etc. Amazon prime or even doordash meals every few days etc.
- The niece would be a helpful guest and be respectful and neat. She would keep the aunt appraised of her whereabouts. She would pick up groceries in a way that it would not be insulting to the aunt - "I was just passing by the grocery store, and thought I would make my signature dish for you. I picked up some other stuff too, since I was already there. I hope you do not mind ."

Unless you and OP are from the same culture, this is irrelevant.
- The aunt would be a caring and responsible hostess making sure that the niece is safe, secure and basics were provided.
- If niece borrowed a vehicle from aunt, she would get it serviced and professionally detailed. She would make sure that the gas is full.

[Anonymous]

I cannot believe how entitled some of you are thinking city aunt should eat all the costs.

You must all live way out in bumf*ck, yet trash how much people pay for housing here, but then mooch off of them any chance you get when the opportunity strikes.

Asking an adult (or the parents of the adult) to contribute a nominal amount for household expenses for a couple of months is completely reasonable. The niece isn't 10, but a full adult!

[Anonymous]

It's December people!! The student was offered an internship and before she accepted, the parents wanted to make sure the kid had a place to live vs paying for an $$ sublet. The details will be worked out. The OP should have some questions for her brother so no one is surprised. As for utilities, do you think your A/C is going to cost more with another human in the house? Get a grip--it's TWO months, not open ended. The 9 pages of comments are nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My oldest stayed with my sister for four months. She didn’t want me to send any money. I insisted on sending $300 a month to cover part of the grocery bill.

People who don't have kids in their homes have no idea how expensive they really are. Op's utilities, food bill, transportation costs are all going to go up. I would never not send some money to help cover that for one my kids.

Finally some common sense. You are a good parent!

She can take the metro or bus and parents can pay. Utilities will be slightly more but not that much. OP buys what she normally buys and kid can buy what ever extra she wants. We have teens stay for weeks. The utility bills and grocery bill don't go up that much. For us its a space issue, and the expectation we pay for activities and back to school clothing. And, when we eat out, us paying for two extra adult meals every time.

You’ve mentioned this three times and are clearly worked up about it (rightly so). Why not just say no, that’s not in our budget? I can’t imagine what obligation you have, under any circumstances, to purchase other people’s children back to school clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I speak as a parent of 2 kids with Asperger’s. There is a lot of individual variation in life skills. I think you need to have a conversation with the parents to understand what kind of support your niece may need during this internship. It would help to clarify expectations for everyone. If she has a counselor she works with at school, does she need to find someone locally to fill that role or will you be the one assisting her in thinking through social expectations/ situations.

I would ask about the groceries in the same vein/ joking with my sibling about my own shopping habits/ budget and asking if how niece handles those things at school. I would also ask about other preferences like shampoo/ towels etc. I like to be a good host, but it also serves to remind the parents of the needs/ complexities of their child.

Since these challenges run in families I have seen wildly varying expectations on all sides, so open conversations are definitely the way to go. I often send gift cards to people who are hosting my kids to cover incidentals. Nobody agrees to take money in advance, but my DD needs strawberries with her breakfast in the morning and I would rather defray those weird costs than have someone feel resentful. I also send my kids with enough spending money to buy dinner and instructions to clean up after home- cooked meals in any way possible.

But my Aspie who is very particular about dishwasher losing is instructed to help clear the table and load/ unload the car, entertain young children. Because nobody needs feedback from a guest about dishwasher losing.

Good luck! This can be a great experience for you and your niece!

Wants. Your daughter wants strawberries in the morning. She could do without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the aunt I would ask for nothing.

As the parent, I would offer rent.

As the aunt, I would decline the money.

As the parent, I would give my daughter money for her own food. I would also get a grocery store gift card for aunt along with another nice thank you. And have daughter treat aunt to a nice meal out.

+ 1

Very nice.

In my immigrant family, this is how it would play out, though it is not very different in spirit to what you have written.
- Neither the aunt nor the parent would ask or offer anything. To do so would be insulting in our culture.
- The parents would send some nice expensive personal gifts to the aunt with the niece (perfume, skincare from la mer, designer handbag, sunglasses etc), and in subsequent months, they would find ways to repay back in some ways - restaurant meal, flowers, gift cards, a maid service, food gifts, gift certs for manicures, massages, tickets for movies or a show etc. Amazon prime or even doordash meals every few days etc.
- The niece would be a helpful guest and be respectful and neat. She would keep the aunt appraised of her whereabouts. She would pick up groceries in a way that it would not be insulting to the aunt - "I was just passing by the grocery store, and thought I would make my signature dish for you. I picked up some other stuff too, since I was already there. I hope you do not mind ."
- The aunt would be a caring and responsible hostess making sure that the niece is safe, secure and basics were provided.
- If niece borrowed a vehicle from aunt, she would get it serviced and professionally detailed. She would make sure that the gas is full.

Unless you and OP are from the same culture, this is irrelevant.
- The aunt would be a caring and responsible hostess making sure that the niece is safe, secure and basics were provided.
- If niece borrowed a vehicle from aunt, she would get it serviced and professionally detailed. She would make sure that the gas is full.

Same culture? Not a chance in hell!! This kind of selfish, shameless, money grabbing, anti-family and anti-social behavior is WASPy American behavior. No one else is that messed up in the whole world!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the aunt I would ask for nothing.

As the parent, I would offer rent.

As the aunt, I would decline the money.

As the parent, I would give my daughter money for her own food. I would also get a grocery store gift card for aunt along with another nice thank you. And have daughter treat aunt to a nice meal out.

+ 1

Very nice.

In my immigrant family, this is how it would play out, though it is not very different in spirit to what you have written.
- Neither the aunt nor the parent would ask or offer anything. To do so would be insulting in our culture.
- The parents would send some nice expensive personal gifts to the aunt with the niece (perfume, skincare from la mer, designer handbag, sunglasses etc), and in subsequent months, they would find ways to repay back in some ways - restaurant meal, flowers, gift cards, a maid service, food gifts, gift certs for manicures, massages, tickets for movies or a show etc. Amazon prime or even doordash meals every few days etc.
- The niece would be a helpful guest and be respectful and neat. She would keep the aunt appraised of her whereabouts. She would pick up groceries in a way that it would not be insulting to the aunt - "I was just passing by the grocery store, and thought I would make my signature dish for you. I picked up some other stuff too, since I was already there. I hope you do not mind ."
- The aunt would be a caring and responsible hostess making sure that the niece is safe, secure and basics were provided.
- If niece borrowed a vehicle from aunt, she would get it serviced and professionally detailed. She would make sure that the gas is full.

Unless you and OP are from the same culture, this is irrelevant.
- The aunt would be a caring and responsible hostess making sure that the niece is safe, secure and basics were provided.
- If niece borrowed a vehicle from aunt, she would get it serviced and professionally detailed. She would make sure that the gas is full.

Same culture? Not a chance in hell!! This kind of selfish, shameless, money grabbing, anti-family and anti-social behavior is WASPy American behavior. No one else is that messed up in the whole world!

Which is a bigger money grabber?

The aunt who is thinking maybe $150/mo to cover food/utilities/cleaning?

Or the adult niece's family offering nothing, and likely saves money during this time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: my DD needs strawberries with her breakfast in the morning

Wants. Your daughter wants strawberries in the morning. She could do without them.

Let's nip this "wants vs needs" argument in the bud so the OP's thread doesn't derail. How about, "the first PP's DD's desire - be it for sensory reasons, routine, or other - for strawberries with her breakfast, coupled with the inflexibility and other executive functioning deficits that characterize ASD, can be significantly disruptive in the daily lives of DD and her family members." To the "Wants" PP, please go to the Special Needs forum with any further questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her parents are rude as f?ck for not offering anything. Do they realize your grocery bill among other things will go up?

I'm sorry that you didn't grow up in a kind, loving, supportive family. Your attitude is NOT normal.

Not the person you are responding to, but as a parent of a child with HFA, I agree the parents are very rude. It is A LOT of work supporting a young adult with special needs, even very high functioning. I never do this to a relative, unless they offered and I would insist on paying rent and a stipend and my kid is pleasant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is crazy to me. Having a visitor, who you can expect to mostly take care of herself (YOU set the ground rules for your home), will not be costing OP much of anything. She is a college student, not an ES kid, and won't need babysitting - just a key, bed, and shower.

I would set the rules up front (long before she arrives), buy your own food/meals, be responsible for your own transportation, lock the house when you leave, no smoking, shower limit to 10 or 15 minutes (just say you have a small water heater or an expensive water bill, whatever), no whatever else is important to you, and tell her you are looking forward to getting to know her better.

No charging anyone anything. Family helps each other out!

She is on the spectrum. I just responded to another post as the parent of a child on the spectrum myself. There is a good chance she is not emotionally an adult yet.So, it is more like having a tween/teen and they do need qadult assistance and some supervision.

[Anonymous]

"Family help eachother out" is interesting...what about...

"Family don't take advantage of eachother."

[Anonymous]

Accommodations! Really? The young lady is in COLLEGE! Somehow, she has survived at least one year.

[Anonymous]

I have friends and family stay with me for months coming from abroad and I don't ask for money.
You shouldn't ask for anything other than clean up after herself. The rent/ mortgage isn't going up, is it. Utilities going up a little? Come on!

[Anonymous]

Americans don't have any manners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: my DD needs strawberries with her breakfast in the morning

Wants. Your daughter wants strawberries in the morning. She could do without them.

Let's nip this "wants vs needs" argument in the bud so the OP's thread doesn't derail. How about, "the first PP's DD's desire - be it for sensory reasons, routine, or other - for strawberries with her breakfast, coupled with the inflexibility and other executive functioning deficits that characterize ASD, can be significantly disruptive in the daily lives of DD and her family members." To the "Wants" PP, please go to the Special Needs forum with any further questions.

I must know a ton of SN kids then.