What does no boxed gifts please mean?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some other cultures find the American culture of registries to be low brow. Telling guests what to buy you is rude, if you want specific items why not just do cash only so you can go buy your own stuff? I've also gotten the "registry" for paying for parts of the wedding couple's honeymoon. Um, if you need money here's a check- pay for it yourself.

Registries for weddings, baby showers, even birthdays. I'd rather just give you a Visa gift card or a check and you can do the shopping on your own.

I agree about the registries. I don't know that that is specifically American. I have only come across those in the past five or ten years. I got married many years ago and no one did registries then and many people considered cash to be an inappropriate gift. We got a lot of gifts that seemingly had nothing to do with each other, but that's okay. We were having a wedding to get married, not to get gifts. The idea was that you were supposed to know the couple well enough to choose a gift for them that they would most probably like. A big part if my family still considers it bad manners to give cash or gift cards, so you'll find differences even among people all born and raised in the same country.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I have never heard of this and I think it is horrible. I would not, absolutely not, comply. It is a GIFT - not a utility payment of cash.

You would give a boxed gift, when the invitation specifically asked you not to?

I sure would! In America, we don't write "no boxed gifts" on invites.

Some people do, otherwise this thread would not exist. PRetty much anyone who says "In America, we..." is a xenophobe.

+1. It's a free country, lady. My inlaws threw a first birthday party for my DD and wrote no boxed gifts. IN AMERICA! *gasp*

That is shocking, actually. Are your in-laws from another country? What do you bring to a child's first birthday party other than a toy or book?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What's the big deal? You are going to give a gift.....just give them whatever you would have spent in form of cash, check or a gift card. No big deal. Jeez people.

No, you are wrong. It is wrong to specify that you want cash. It is a big deal and stunningly rude.

It is rude to specify that you want cash -- in mainstream US culture, on most occasions. It's not universally true everywhere for everybody.

However, we are IN THE U.S. I don't care what you're used to elsewhere. You're here now.

We're in the US! We don't need to care what other people do elsewhere in the rest of the world! -- eh, PP?

NP here. What other people do in the rest of the world is all well and good. The point is that when you come to the US and you do something that is considered rude here, you're going to rub people the wrong way. e.g., inviting the whole class to a birthday party, most of whom are probably not used to YOUR cultural norms instead of those in the US and then specifying that you want cash for your six year old, which here is considered, as PP said, stunningly rude. You'll probably get a lot of people just not coming (and maybe they prefer it that way anyway).

I didn't see anywhere in OP's post stating the whole class was invited. For all we know it may be a birthday party where the majority of the attendants will be from the culture of the birthday girl. OP may be the only or one of only a few non-of-their-culture invited.

OP, if that is the case you could have just called the host to ask the meaning. It wouldn't have been rude.

What's rude is all this nastiness being thrown around about a family that no one on here knows.

But hey, we are in the US! Putting down other people's cultures is what we do!!!!!

I'm PP and I'm not putting down anyone's culture. If it's a party inviting almost all people of your own culture, where bringing cash/gift cards is expected and the norm, why would you need to specify "no boxed gifts" on the invite? Presumably, it's for the people who aren't of that culture and therefore would otherwise bring a physical gift. If you invite 20 kids and 18 of them are from your culture, their parents will already know that. For the two who don't, would you really go to the trouble of specifying "no boxed gifts" for two kids?

I'm not a xenophobe. I love living in a diverse area. But putting "no boxed gifts" on your invite is considered rude here. I suppose your answer is that maybe they're immigrants so they don't know any better. That may be, but it doesn't mean that it's not considered rude here. If you moved to a foreign country and did something that in their culture would be considered very rude, would you just shrug your shoulders and yell "melting pot!" or would you learn from it and try not to give offense to those around you in the future?

For all of you confused about what it means, it means they want cash or gift cards. Go look on any wedding message board and you'll find a million threads from people asking for just this (and this is what they mean) and an equal number of people thinking it's tacky and rude.

Several people have already mentioned that this is common on some wedding invitations. Even when the majority of attendants are of the same culture. They've also stated that it's not something usually done for a birthday party, so stating "no boxed gifts" is not stating the obvious. It's also not something that would be automatically presumed as rude, just a "oh okay" that's what their doing kind of thing. I assure you, the OP would not get a 'special' invitation that stated "no boxed gifts" just for her. I guess they could have made a special invite just for her that omitted it. Though she'd kind of look like she didn't get the memo if she showed up with a gift.

But it is very hard for you to step out of your little box and try to see this from a wider cultural perspective. Yes in your culture and to your friends it would be rude, so don't do it. Why the need to pass your judgement and etiquette expectations onto others?

NP here, and I'm not American. Remember the old saying, When in Rome, do as the Romans do? I think that's all PP meant here. It has nothing to do with her lacking "wider cultural perspective". You may choose not to live by that maxim, but it is generally good advice when living abroad.

And I think until OP comes back and tells us that this is a party largely attended by foreigners, we have no reason not to assume that this invite went out to a majority of American families.

That said, I would punish the kid for their parents' cluelessness by not attending.

Yep, that's all I meant. I wouldn't punish the kid for the parents' rudeness either. But it's clear from these responses that some people would. And more would probably do so not intentionally, but it would translate into that with their actions. Like if someone gets 7 birthday party invites for her kid over the course of a couple months near the beginning of the school year and I'm busy, she might be more likely to choose to attend the party that doesn't specify "no boxed gifts" if it were a choice between two, or if she needed to cut out some similar activities just due to over scheduling. Maybe she won't outwardly say to herself, "Oh, that's tacky. Not really interested in getting to know that mom." (although, again from the responses, it's clear that some people will think that). But maybe she's looking at that invite and another that seems like a low key party at a park where gifts aren't mentioned (and therefore she assumes to bring a toy or something like she's used to). She's probably going to choose the latter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Where I come from we don't shoot kids just because they're black and we don't make a trend out of sending kids to school to shoot their classmates. Each to their own...

So you came to the US because you could not "shoot kids" back in your country?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where I come from we don't shoot kids just because they're black and we don't make a trend out of sending kids to school to shoot their classmates. Each to their own...

So you came to the US because you could not "shoot kids" back in your country?

I think the "shooting black kids in school" posters are suggesting the OP give the birthday child a handgun in a gift bag. There, now everyone is happy.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What's the big deal? You are going to give a gift.....just give them whatever you would have spent in form of cash, check or a gift card. No big deal. Jeez people.

No, you are wrong. It is wrong to specify that you want cash. It is a big deal and stunningly rude.

It is rude to specify that you want cash -- in mainstream US culture, on most occasions. It's not universally true everywhere for everybody.

However, we are IN THE U.S. I don't care what you're used to elsewhere. You're here now.

We're in the US! We don't need to care what other people do elsewhere in the rest of the world! -- eh, PP?

NP here. What other people do in the rest of the world is all well and good. The point is that when you come to the US and you do something that is considered rude here, you're going to rub people the wrong way. e.g., inviting the whole class to a birthday party, most of whom are probably not used to YOUR cultural norms instead of those in the US and then specifying that you want cash for your six year old, which here is considered, as PP said, stunningly rude. You'll probably get a lot of people just not coming (and maybe they prefer it that way anyway).

I didn't see anywhere in OP's post stating the whole class was invited. For all we know it may be a birthday party where the majority of the attendants will be from the culture of the birthday girl. OP may be the only or one of only a few non-of-their-culture invited.

OP, if that is the case you could have just called the host to ask the meaning. It wouldn't have been rude.

What's rude is all this nastiness being thrown around about a family that no one on here knows.

But hey, we are in the US! Putting down other people's cultures is what we do!!!!!

I'm PP and I'm not putting down anyone's culture. If it's a party inviting almost all people of your own culture, where bringing cash/gift cards is expected and the norm, why would you need to specify "no boxed gifts" on the invite? Presumably, it's for the people who aren't of that culture and therefore would otherwise bring a physical gift. If you invite 20 kids and 18 of them are from your culture, their parents will already know that. For the two who don't, would you really go to the trouble of specifying "no boxed gifts" for two kids?

I'm not a xenophobe. I love living in a diverse area. But putting "no boxed gifts" on your invite is considered rude here. I suppose your answer is that maybe they're immigrants so they don't know any better. That may be, but it doesn't mean that it's not considered rude here. If you moved to a foreign country and did something that in their culture would be considered very rude, would you just shrug your shoulders and yell "melting pot!" or would you learn from it and try not to give offense to those around you in the future?

For all of you confused about what it means, it means they want cash or gift cards. Go look on any wedding message board and you'll find a million threads from people asking for just this (and this is what they mean) and an equal number of people thinking it's tacky and rude.

Several people have already mentioned that this is common on some wedding invitations. Even when the majority of attendants are of the same culture. They've also stated that it's not something usually done for a birthday party, so stating "no boxed gifts" is not stating the obvious. It's also not something that would be automatically presumed as rude, just a "oh okay" that's what their doing kind of thing. I assure you, the OP would not get a 'special' invitation that stated "no boxed gifts" just for her. I guess they could have made a special invite just for her that omitted it. Though she'd kind of look like she didn't get the memo if she showed up with a gift.

But it is very hard for you to step out of your little box and try to see this from a wider cultural perspective. Yes in your culture and to your friends it would be rude, so don't do it. Why the need to pass your judgement and etiquette expectations onto others?

NP here, and I'm not American. Remember the old saying, When in Rome, do as the Romans do? I think that's all PP meant here. It has nothing to do with her lacking "wider cultural perspective". You may choose not to live by that maxim, but it is generally good advice when living abroad.

And I think until OP comes back and tells us that this is a party largely attended by foreigners, we have no reason not to assume that this invite went out to a majority of American families.

That said, I would punish the kid for their parents' cluelessness by not attending.

Assuming the invitation was from an Indian family, I am goign to guess that the attendees will include almost all American families, many of whom have one or more parents born outside the United States. I am guessing that you would look at my husband and me, both Indian, and deem us "foreigners" - but we're not. We're American. And we do things differently than you do. (Note that I, along with many other South Asians, think that stating " no boxed gifts" is tacky.) But please, don't dismiss us as "foreigners". That's really offensive. And what people in Rome do constantly evolves because the US is a nation of immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What's the big deal? You are going to give a gift.....just give them whatever you would have spent in form of cash, check or a gift card. No big deal. Jeez people.

No, you are wrong. It is wrong to specify that you want cash. It is a big deal and stunningly rude.

It is rude to specify that you want cash -- in mainstream US culture, on most occasions. It's not universally true everywhere for everybody.

However, we are IN THE U.S. I don't care what you're used to elsewhere. You're here now.

We're in the US! We don't need to care what other people do elsewhere in the rest of the world! -- eh, PP?

NP here. What other people do in the rest of the world is all well and good. The point is that when you come to the US and you do something that is considered rude here, you're going to rub people the wrong way. e.g., inviting the whole class to a birthday party, most of whom are probably not used to YOUR cultural norms instead of those in the US and then specifying that you want cash for your six year old, which here is considered, as PP said, stunningly rude. You'll probably get a lot of people just not coming (and maybe they prefer it that way anyway).

I didn't see anywhere in OP's post stating the whole class was invited. For all we know it may be a birthday party where the majority of the attendants will be from the culture of the birthday girl. OP may be the only or one of only a few non-of-their-culture invited.

OP, if that is the case you could have just called the host to ask the meaning. It wouldn't have been rude.

What's rude is all this nastiness being thrown around about a family that no one on here knows.

But hey, we are in the US! Putting down other people's cultures is what we do!!!!!

I'm PP and I'm not putting down anyone's culture. If it's a party inviting almost all people of your own culture, where bringing cash/gift cards is expected and the norm, why would you need to specify "no boxed gifts" on the invite? Presumably, it's for the people who aren't of that culture and therefore would otherwise bring a physical gift. If you invite 20 kids and 18 of them are from your culture, their parents will already know that. For the two who don't, would you really go to the trouble of specifying "no boxed gifts" for two kids?

I'm not a xenophobe. I love living in a diverse area. But putting "no boxed gifts" on your invite is considered rude here. I suppose your answer is that maybe they're immigrants so they don't know any better. That may be, but it doesn't mean that it's not considered rude here. If you moved to a foreign country and did something that in their culture would be considered very rude, would you just shrug your shoulders and yell "melting pot!" or would you learn from it and try not to give offense to those around you in the future?

For all of you confused about what it means, it means they want cash or gift cards. Go look on any wedding message board and you'll find a million threads from people asking for just this (and this is what they mean) and an equal number of people thinking it's tacky and rude.

Several people have already mentioned that this is common on some wedding invitations. Even when the majority of attendants are of the same culture. They've also stated that it's not something usually done for a birthday party, so stating "no boxed gifts" is not stating the obvious. It's also not something that would be automatically presumed as rude, just a "oh okay" that's what their doing kind of thing. I assure you, the OP would not get a 'special' invitation that stated "no boxed gifts" just for her. I guess they could have made a special invite just for her that omitted it. Though she'd kind of look like she didn't get the memo if she showed up with a gift.

But it is very hard for you to step out of your little box and try to see this from a wider cultural perspective. Yes in your culture and to your friends it would be rude, so don't do it. Why the need to pass your judgement and etiquette expectations onto others?

NP here, and I'm not American. Remember the old saying, When in Rome, do as the Romans do? I think that's all PP meant here. It has nothing to do with her lacking "wider cultural perspective". You may choose not to live by that maxim, but it is generally good advice when living abroad.

And I think until OP comes back and tells us that this is a party largely attended by foreigners, we have no reason not to assume that this invite went out to a majority of American families.

That said, I would punish the kid for their parents' cluelessness by not attending.

Yep, that's all I meant. I wouldn't punish the kid for the parents' rudeness either. But it's clear from these responses that some people would. And more would probably do so not intentionally, but it would translate into that with their actions. Like if someone gets 7 birthday party invites for her kid over the course of a couple months near the beginning of the school year and I'm busy, she might be more likely to choose to attend the party that doesn't specify "no boxed gifts" if it were a choice between two, or if she needed to cut out some similar activities just due to over scheduling. Maybe she won't outwardly say to herself, "Oh, that's tacky. Not really interested in getting to know that mom." (although, again from the responses, it's clear that some people will think that). But maybe she's looking at that invite and another that seems like a low key party at a park where gifts aren't mentioned (and therefore she assumes to bring a toy or something like she's used to). She's probably going to choose the latter.

There is already goign to be all kinds of implicit bias at play. Even without the "no boxed gifts" invitation - people tend to steer themselves toward people like them. SO if you are in a majority white area, and you are white, you are likely to think you have more in common with a white family than an Indian one. Why do you think so many white people have so few friends of color? It's not because they don't like the wording of invitations they receive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some other cultures find the American culture of registries to be low brow. Telling guests what to buy you is rude, if you want specific items why not just do cash only so you can go buy your own stuff? I've also gotten the "registry" for paying for parts of the wedding couple's honeymoon. Um, if you need money here's a check- pay for it yourself.

Registries for weddings, baby showers, even birthdays. I'd rather just give you a Visa gift card or a check and you can do the shopping on your own.

I agree about the registries. I don't know that that is specifically American. I have only come across those in the past five or ten years. I got married many years ago and no one did registries then

I got married 18 years ago (Nj-Philly area) and everyone did registries. And they were nothing new then either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Where I come from we don't shoot kids just because they're black and we don't make a trend out of sending kids to school to shoot their classmates. Each to their own...

So you came to the US because you could not "shoot kids" back in your country?

I think the "shooting black kids in school" posters are suggesting the OP give the birthday child a handgun in a gift bag. There, now everyone is happy.

I thought gift bag/box is not allowed?

[Anonymous]

wait - stop - could it be possible that the party is at a place that doesn't want presents? a restaurant? or maybe a movie theater - where the parents don't want to be lugging a ton of presents around? so they thought this was a nice way to say it?

OP, we need more details -race/ethnicity and type of party

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"No boxed gift please", "No siblings please", "No Jews please".

It's only a matter of time...

LOL - oh God, that was funny!!!

So so funny. lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1. It's a free country, lady. My inlaws threw a first birthday party for my DD and wrote no boxed gifts. IN AMERICA! *gasp*

I'm genuinely curious, pp, so I hope the question is taken that way. But what was your in-laws intent behind saying "no boxed gifts"? Was the family trying to avoid getting "stuff"? Were they hoping to create the start of a college fund? Did most people give cash? Do they do gift cards in that scenario?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some other cultures find the American culture of registries to be low brow. Telling guests what to buy you is rude, if you want specific items why not just do cash only so you can go buy your own stuff? I've also gotten the "registry" for paying for parts of the wedding couple's honeymoon. Um, if you need money here's a check- pay for it yourself.

Registries for weddings, baby showers, even birthdays. I'd rather just give you a Visa gift card or a check and you can do the shopping on your own.

I agree about the registries. I don't know that that is specifically American. I have only come across those in the past five or ten years. I got married many years ago and no one did registries then and many people considered cash to be an inappropriate gift. We got a lot of gifts that seemingly had nothing to do with each other, but that's okay. We were having a wedding to get married, not to get gifts. The idea was that you were supposed to know the couple well enough to choose a gift for them that they would most probably like. A big part if my family still considers it bad manners to give cash or gift cards, so you'll find differences even among people all born and raised in the same country.

I got married 18 years ago (Nj-Philly area) and everyone did registries. And they were nothing new then either.

I was married a little before that, also in the northeast, and no one I knew did registries. They did exist, but they were considered vaguely tacky. It's just that customs differ among various social, family, and locality-based groups. What is fine with one group is considered tacky by another. It does seem odd to me to outright ask for cash or particular gifts, whether for a wedding or for a child's birthday, but there are others who are fine with it. People have to do what's right for their own families.

[Anonymous]

You people are NUTS. Any mention of a gift on an invitation is rude. Period. There are no exceptions to that. If you want to do it, then by all means, go for it. But know that it is is considered extremely tacky and shows a complete lack of understanding of even the most basic of social graces.

My child would not attend the party. We don't associate with people like that. I'm sorry that it penalizes the child. Life is not always fair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some other cultures find the American culture of registries to be low brow. Telling guests what to buy you is rude, if you want specific items why not just do cash only so you can go buy your own stuff? I've also gotten the "registry" for paying for parts of the wedding couple's honeymoon. Um, if you need money here's a check- pay for it yourself.

Registries for weddings, baby showers, even birthdays. I'd rather just give you a Visa gift card or a check and you can do the shopping on your own.

I agree about the registries. I don't know that that is specifically American. I have only come across those in the past five or ten years. I got married many years ago and no one did registries then and many people considered cash to be an inappropriate gift. We got a lot of gifts that seemingly had nothing to do with each other, but that's okay. We were having a wedding to get married, not to get gifts. The idea was that you were supposed to know the couple well enough to choose a gift for them that they would most probably like. A big part if my family still considers it bad manners to give cash or gift cards, so you'll find differences even among people all born and raised in the same country.

I got married 18 years ago (Nj-Philly area) and everyone did registries. And they were nothing new then either.

I was married a little before that, also in the northeast, and no one I knew did registries. They did exist, but they were considered vaguely tacky. It's just that customs differ among various social, family, and locality-based groups. What is fine with one group is considered tacky by another. It does seem odd to me to outright ask for cash or particular gifts, whether for a wedding or for a child's birthday, but there are others who are fine with it. People have to do what's right for their own families.

It's still considered tacky to list where one is registered on an invitation. The way it should be done is simple - You receive an invitation and you call the host and ask where the bride (or new mom) is registered. It is NEVER listed on an invitation. Unless of course, you have no class.