What does no boxed gifts please mean?

[Anonymous]

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+1. It's a free country, lady. My inlaws threw a first birthday party for my DD and wrote no boxed gifts. IN AMERICA! *gasp*

I'm genuinely curious, pp, so I hope the question is taken that way. But what was your in-laws intent behind saying "no boxed gifts"? Was the family trying to avoid getting "stuff"? Were they hoping to create the start of a college fund? Did most people give cash? Do they do gift cards in that scenario?

My inlaws have hosted and paid for all 5 of their grandkids first birthday parties. My DD is the last of those 5 (the oldest was 10 at her 1st bday so its been a long decade). They invite everyone they know, including distant family. There were over 200 people at DD's 1st bday party. I didn't know 170 of them and my kid didn't either. Over the years, the inlaws realized there are waaaaayyy too many gifts to transport, their friends were stressing out about what gift the kid would like best so in their estimation, no boxed gifts was best. Worked well for me since I didn't want a houseful of junk. DD got cash, checks, gift cards. Our friends brought books, art supplies - we didn't care. But there were like 5 families of our friends.

so how much should go in each of these envelopes? $20? 200 people x $20 = pretty good haul for first b’day.

Usually $50-200.

You’re kidding?

I’d ask for no boxed gifts to if I thought we’d haul in that much for a kid’s b’day party.

[Anonymous]

sounds like a blatant money grab. Doubt the kid gets any part of that. Would probably be happier with the boxed toys.

[Anonymous]

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Yes, we want OP to ask ingenuously, because then it puts the host in a potentially awkward situation.

LOL, the host is an asshole for demanding cash or gift cards for her 6 year old kid and the OP would be a jerk for asking for clarification?

NP, haven't read the whole thread.

Unfortunately yes. Good manners means making others feel comfortable, so despite the fact that the host did something majorly tacky when specifying type of gift on the invitation, the OP would be putting the host in a very awkward position (unless the host doesn't realize how awkward it is to tell guests what present to give, which may be the case based on the invitation wording) and thus that conversation is probably best avoided if OP wishes to take the safe route in terms of etiquette expectations.

I would probably just give a gift card, as I think that is usually a pretty safe gift and would allow the parent to help the child choose what they consider a suitable item since I would have no idea how to interpret the instructions on the invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the pp, but I'd like to try to help you understand the Indian culture a little better.

Our weddings are generally huge. 200, even 300 would be considered a small wedding. No one wants to carry that many boxes to and from a wedding hall. It's also seen as a good thing to give the new couple money since they are just starting out their life together.

First birthdays can vary. Some will do it very big. This is usually thrown by one of the grandparents and all of their friends and family are invited, not just people with little kids. Again, no one wants that many random gifts. Also, most of the older people that are the grandparents friends don't know what to buy for babies anymore and don't really want to go shopping around for toys. Cash/Check/Gift card is easier for them and it the theme of helping a new family out monetarily also prevails.

It's just different from the American style. It's not better but it's also not worse.

If you're offended because you don't get it or you don't care to associate with people that do not do things the way you do, then just don't go. It's quite simple.

+1. I am so glad our family doesn't consider cash gifts to be rude - it was enough to cover the down payment on our first house together.

Cash gifts aren't rude. Asking for cash gifts is rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not the pp, but I'd like to try to help you understand the Indian culture a little better.

Our weddings are generally huge. 200, even 300 would be considered a small wedding. No one wants to carry that many boxes to and from a wedding hall. It's also seen as a good thing to give the new couple money since they are just starting out their life together.

First birthdays can vary. Some will do it very big. This is usually thrown by one of the grandparents and all of their friends and family are invited, not just people with little kids. Again, no one wants that many random gifts. Also, most of the older people that are the grandparents friends don't know what to buy for babies anymore and don't really want to go shopping around for toys. Cash/Check/Gift card is easier for them and it the theme of helping a new family out monetarily also prevails.

It's just different from the American style. It's not better but it's also not worse.

If you're offended because you don't get it or you don't care to associate with people that do not do things the way you do, then just don't go. It's quite simple.

+1. I am so glad our family doesn't consider cash gifts to be rude - it was enough to cover the down payment on our first house together.

Cash gifts aren't rude. Asking for cash gifts is rude.

It makes sense for a wedding gift, but a 6 yr. old birthday party? Doubt the toddler will be using it for a down payment on his or her first house.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What's the big deal? You are going to give a gift.....just give them whatever you would have spent in form of cash, check or a gift card. No big deal. Jeez people.

No, you are wrong. It is wrong to specify that you want cash. It is a big deal and stunningly rude.

It is rude to specify that you want cash -- in mainstream US culture, on most occasions. It's not universally true everywhere for everybody.

However, we are IN THE U.S. I don't care what you're used to elsewhere. You're here now.

We're in the US! We don't need to care what other people do elsewhere in the rest of the world! -- eh, PP?

NP here. What other people do in the rest of the world is all well and good. The point is that when you come to the US and you do something that is considered rude here, you're going to rub people the wrong way. e.g., inviting the whole class to a birthday party, most of whom are probably not used to YOUR cultural norms instead of those in the US and then specifying that you want cash for your six year old, which here is considered, as PP said, stunningly rude. You'll probably get a lot of people just not coming (and maybe they prefer it that way anyway).

I didn't see anywhere in OP's post stating the whole class was invited. For all we know it may be a birthday party where the majority of the attendants will be from the culture of the birthday girl. OP may be the only or one of only a few non-of-their-culture invited.

OP, if that is the case you could have just called the host to ask the meaning. It wouldn't have been rude.

What's rude is all this nastiness being thrown around about a family that no one on here knows.

But hey, we are in the US! Putting down other people's cultures is what we do!!!!!

I'm PP and I'm not putting down anyone's culture. If it's a party inviting almost all people of your own culture, where bringing cash/gift cards is expected and the norm, why would you need to specify "no boxed gifts" on the invite? Presumably, it's for the people who aren't of that culture and therefore would otherwise bring a physical gift. If you invite 20 kids and 18 of them are from your culture, their parents will already know that. For the two who don't, would you really go to the trouble of specifying "no boxed gifts" for two kids?

I'm not a xenophobe. I love living in a diverse area. But putting "no boxed gifts" on your invite is considered rude here. I suppose your answer is that maybe they're immigrants so they don't know any better. That may be, but it doesn't mean that it's not considered rude here. If you moved to a foreign country and did something that in their culture would be considered very rude, would you just shrug your shoulders and yell "melting pot!" or would you learn from it and try not to give offense to those around you in the future?

For all of you confused about what it means, it means they want cash or gift cards. Go look on any wedding message board and you'll find a million threads from people asking for just this (and this is what they mean) and an equal number of people thinking it's tacky and rude.

Several people have already mentioned that this is common on some wedding invitations. Even when the majority of attendants are of the same culture. They've also stated that it's not something usually done for a birthday party, so stating "no boxed gifts" is not stating the obvious. It's also not something that would be automatically presumed as rude, just a "oh okay" that's what their doing kind of thing. I assure you, the OP would not get a 'special' invitation that stated "no boxed gifts" just for her. I guess they could have made a special invite just for her that omitted it. Though she'd kind of look like she didn't get the memo if she showed up with a gift.

But it is very hard for you to step out of your little box and try to see this from a wider cultural perspective. Yes in your culture and to your friends it would be rude, so don't do it. Why the need to pass your judgement and etiquette expectations onto others?

NP here, and I'm not American. Remember the old saying, When in Rome, do as the Romans do? I think that's all PP meant here. It has nothing to do with her lacking "wider cultural perspective". You may choose not to live by that maxim, but it is generally good advice when living abroad.

And I think until OP comes back and tells us that this is a party largely attended by foreigners, we have no reason not to assume that this invite went out to a majority of American families.

That said, I would punish the kid for their parents' cluelessness by not attending.

Assuming the invitation was from an Indian family, I am goign to guess that the attendees will include almost all American families, many of whom have one or more parents born outside the United States. I am guessing that you would look at my husband and me, both Indian, and deem us "foreigners" - but we're not. We're American. And we do things differently than you do. (Note that I, along with many other South Asians, think that stating " no boxed gifts" is tacky.) But please, don't dismiss us as "foreigners". That's really offensive. And what people in Rome do constantly evolves because the US is a nation of immigrants.

You are right, I didn't word that correctly. I'm not American myself (although I am eligible for citizenship by now), and what I meant was the distinction between Americans whose families have lived here for generations, and recent immigrants who live in an ethnic minority culture. And I discussed the limited applicability of the "When in Rome" saying to America in a later post, and basically agree with you. Also, again, I meant to say that I would NOT punish the child for their parents' obliviousness to what American mainstream culture thinks how invitations should be worded.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You people are NUTS. Any mention of a gift on an invitation is rude. Period. There are no exceptions to that. If you want to do it, then by all means, go for it. But know that it is is considered extremely tacky and shows a complete lack of understanding of even the most basic of social graces.

My child would not attend the party. We don't associate with people like that. I'm sorry that it penalizes the child. Life is not always fair.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are we talking about Indians, did OP mention they were invited by an Indian family? It seems that around half of the threads on DCUM end up with discussions of Indians by Indians themselves or by other posters. Even the swasika thread ended up being about Indian culture.

+1. I can't see where the assumption came from. From this thread, we collectively have no idea what the statement means but agree it is tacky to direct the gift giver. We all agree we need to appreciate what we are given and grateful if we get a gift for any occasion.

Though if OP Posts more details we can spin off into more conversation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What's the big deal? You are going to give a gift.....just give them whatever you would have spent in form of cash, check or a gift card. No big deal. Jeez people.

No, you are wrong. It is wrong to specify that you want cash. It is a big deal and stunningly rude.

It is rude to specify that you want cash -- in mainstream US culture, on most occasions. It's not universally true everywhere for everybody.

However, we are IN THE U.S. I don't care what you're used to elsewhere. You're here now.

We're in the US! We don't need to care what other people do elsewhere in the rest of the world! -- eh, PP?

NP here. What other people do in the rest of the world is all well and good. The point is that when you come to the US and you do something that is considered rude here, you're going to rub people the wrong way. e.g., inviting the whole class to a birthday party, most of whom are probably not used to YOUR cultural norms instead of those in the US and then specifying that you want cash for your six year old, which here is considered, as PP said, stunningly rude. You'll probably get a lot of people just not coming (and maybe they prefer it that way anyway).

I didn't see anywhere in OP's post stating the whole class was invited. For all we know it may be a birthday party where the majority of the attendants will be from the culture of the birthday girl. OP may be the only or one of only a few non-of-their-culture invited.

OP, if that is the case you could have just called the host to ask the meaning. It wouldn't have been rude.

What's rude is all this nastiness being thrown around about a family that no one on here knows.

But hey, we are in the US! Putting down other people's cultures is what we do!!!!!

I'm PP and I'm not putting down anyone's culture. If it's a party inviting almost all people of your own culture, where bringing cash/gift cards is expected and the norm, why would you need to specify "no boxed gifts" on the invite? Presumably, it's for the people who aren't of that culture and therefore would otherwise bring a physical gift. If you invite 20 kids and 18 of them are from your culture, their parents will already know that. For the two who don't, would you really go to the trouble of specifying "no boxed gifts" for two kids?

I'm not a xenophobe. I love living in a diverse area. But putting "no boxed gifts" on your invite is considered rude here. I suppose your answer is that maybe they're immigrants so they don't know any better. That may be, but it doesn't mean that it's not considered rude here. If you moved to a foreign country and did something that in their culture would be considered very rude, would you just shrug your shoulders and yell "melting pot!" or would you learn from it and try not to give offense to those around you in the future?

For all of you confused about what it means, it means they want cash or gift cards. Go look on any wedding message board and you'll find a million threads from people asking for just this (and this is what they mean) and an equal number of people thinking it's tacky and rude.

Several people have already mentioned that this is common on some wedding invitations. Even when the majority of attendants are of the same culture. They've also stated that it's not something usually done for a birthday party, so stating "no boxed gifts" is not stating the obvious. It's also not something that would be automatically presumed as rude, just a "oh okay" that's what their doing kind of thing. I assure you, the OP would not get a 'special' invitation that stated "no boxed gifts" just for her. I guess they could have made a special invite just for her that omitted it. Though she'd kind of look like she didn't get the memo if she showed up with a gift.

But it is very hard for you to step out of your little box and try to see this from a wider cultural perspective. Yes in your culture and to your friends it would be rude, so don't do it. Why the need to pass your judgement and etiquette expectations onto others?

NP here, and I'm not American. Remember the old saying, When in Rome, do as the Romans do? I think that's all PP meant here. It has nothing to do with her lacking "wider cultural perspective". You may choose not to live by that maxim, but it is generally good advice when living abroad.

And I think until OP comes back and tells us that this is a party largely attended by foreigners, we have no reason not to assume that this invite went out to a majority of American families.

That said, I would punish the kid for their parents' cluelessness by not attending.

Assuming the invitation was from an Indian family, I am goign to guess that the attendees will include almost all American families, many of whom have one or more parents born outside the United States. I am guessing that you would look at my husband and me, both Indian, and deem us "foreigners" - but we're not. We're American. And we do things differently than you do. (Note that I, along with many other South Asians, think that stating " no boxed gifts" is tacky.) But please, don't dismiss us as "foreigners". That's really offensive. And what people in Rome do constantly evolves because the US is a nation of immigrants.

You are right, I didn't word that correctly. I'm not American myself (although I am eligible for citizenship by now), and what I meant was the distinction between Americans whose families have lived here for generations, and recent immigrants who live in an ethnic minority culture. And I discussed the limited applicability of the "When in Rome" saying to America in a later post, and basically agree with you. Also, again, I meant to say that I would NOT punish the child for their parents' obliviousness to what American mainstream culture thinks how invitations should be worded.

I am the PP who became irritated with the term "foreigner" - thanks for coming back and responding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are we talking about Indians, did OP mention they were invited by an Indian family? It seems that around half of the threads on DCUM end up with discussions of Indians by Indians themselves or by other posters. Even the swasika thread ended up being about Indian culture.

I think a few people on this forum love to attack Indians. Not sure what the motivation is for these attacks. It really is just a vocal handful of posters - if that many - just based on their writing style.

So someone suggested it might be an Indian family who sent out the invite with the "no boxed" gifts and the detractors seized on it.

[Anonymous]

For children's parties, I write the following:
Your presence is gift enough, no presents please.

I really don't need more toys to pick up, and my children receive gifts from family. Frankly, I would be glad if someone brought cash or a gift card, then the kids could use the money for something they really wanted. Still, I'd never ask or imply cash gifts only. I have seen children with nothing sit by and be forced to watch an avalanche of gift opening by a middle class birthday kid with too much stuff already. It breeds resentment and social divide. Parties should be about people.

Showers on the other hand are a way of preparing a couple for a new step in life. Registeries are totally appropriate, but the final choice should rest with the gift giver. I would advise not placing honeymoon itemized lists, but simply listing contributions to the household are appreciated also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For children's parties, I write the following:
Your presence is gift enough, no presents please.

I really don't need more toys to pick up, and my children receive gifts from family. Frankly, I would be glad if someone brought cash or a gift card, then the kids could use the money for something they really wanted. Still, I'd never ask or imply cash gifts only. I have seen children with nothing sit by and be forced to watch an avalanche of gift opening by a middle class birthday kid with too much stuff already. It breeds resentment and social divide. Parties should be about people.

Showers on the other hand are a way of preparing a couple for a new step in life. Registeries are totally appropriate, but the final choice should rest with the gift giver. I would advise not placing honeymoon itemized lists, but simply listing contributions to the household are appreciated also.

I agree with this.

[Anonymous]

My Indian MIL tried to get me to write 'no boxed gifts' on our wedding invites. Just thinking about doing something so rude made me nervous and i refused. She didn't understand why I didn't want to do it and still complains about ' all the useless boxed gifts I got from my side of the family' 10 years after our wedding. Ugh

[Anonymous]

Coming from an Asian country where cash gifts are more common, accepted, preferred, not looked down upon as being rude, I don't understand this whole asking for cash is rude thing. What is normal is all cultural. Having said that, since I've adopted this country as my own I'll respect and live within its own rules/norms/culture. But I would mind getting such a party invite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coming from an Asian country where cash gifts are more common, accepted, preferred, not looked down upon as being rude, I don't understand this whole asking for cash is rude thing. What is normal is all cultural. Having said that, since I've adopted this country as my own I'll respect and live within its own rules/norms/culture. But I would mind getting such a party invite.

I meant to write I would NOT mind.