Why do parents host booze-fueled parties for underage kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious though - what happens when the kids go to college? How do they know how to drink responsibly?

+1 Why don’t parents search their own kids’ bags when they leave the house to make sure their kids don’t bring booze to someone else’s house?

Because they get it on the way from their house to the party.

So the host should check all the bags? How about you control your kids?

This is a dumb response. If they are bringing alcohol into your house, it’s your problem. The end.

If kids are sneaking alcohol into a friends house, those kids are crap.

We really want to normalize middle-aged men forcing his daughter’s teenage girlfriends to turn in their bags for inspection? That’s not a liability about to happen.

“Sarah’s dad touched my underwear! He said it was an accident my bag was really dark. He kept saying he thought there was beer in there but it was a water bottle!”

This is an odd direction to go but ok.

You don't do a strip search folks. You ask them to leave their bags in the entryway. And then you also make yourself visible every hour or so unannounced in the party area to size things up.

This is not rocket science. You all just don't feel like doing it and reality is kids don't want to have parties at these types of houses because there are enough people who don't do it. So they go to those houses and yes the kid gets some status as a cool kid who can have "booze-fueled parties" which feels good for some parents. Which is why this thread started because if everyone did basic level supervision, there would be less opportunity for freshman to get drunk at a party.

There can be underwear in overnight bags. You still don’t want anyone checking them. Kids can’t just leave all their stuff in one place all the time.

You are deeply weird. Really. And since you introduced a new topic, yes sleepovers in high school are for getting drunk or high and/or sneaking out to avoid parental supervision. Ask any teen and they will tell you that. They, like you, want to sleep in their own bed if they are planning to try to sleep. It's not 4th grade anymore.

I don't even want to touch that weird PP's creepy posts, but on high school sleepovers being for drinking/getting high/sneaking out, I just want to say I was shocked when my DD was in 7th grade in middle school and went to a sleepover at a newish friend's house (we made sure parents were home when we dropped her off and I even asked the mom to show me where the girls would be sleeping, so she gave me a house tour and showed me the basic all set up and decorated for a slumber birthday party). So all seemed fine, but when I picked DD up the next day she told me that she fell asleep while they watched a horror movie but then the girls woke her at 1:00am because they were going to go to a nearby park and hang out - it was 1:00am!! - and my DD said no, she wasn't going to go, but then had to stay back at a house she'd never been to before, alone in the basement for about 90 mins, while the girls went out. I don't think any of them drank or smoked though, I think they were hoping some boys were going to meet them which didn't happen. Whichis still a huge dang problem that they snuck out for any reason, just clarifying it wasn't drink or smoke since that's what this convo is about.

Needless to say she never went back to that family's house, and no, I didn't tell the parents because since she was the only girl who didn't go, it would have been obvious who ratted on them and my thing is if the parents aren't paying enough attention to notice they left the house, they're unlikely to care much and I'm not making my kid into the tattle tale no one wants around because she'll snitch. I was so proud of her for staying alone, I wanted to reinforce that making the right choices is always the right thing to do.

[Anonymous]

*Basement all decorated, not basic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious though - what happens when the kids go to college? How do they know how to drink responsibly?

+1 Why don’t parents search their own kids’ bags when they leave the house to make sure their kids don’t bring booze to someone else’s house?

Because they get it on the way from their house to the party.

So the host should check all the bags? How about you control your kids?

This is a dumb response. If they are bringing alcohol into your house, it’s your problem. The end.

If kids are sneaking alcohol into a friends house, those kids are crap.

We really want to normalize middle-aged men forcing his daughter’s teenage girlfriends to turn in their bags for inspection? That’s not a liability about to happen.

“Sarah’s dad touched my underwear! He said it was an accident my bag was really dark. He kept saying he thought there was beer in there but it was a water bottle!”

This is an odd direction to go but ok.

You don't do a strip search folks. You ask them to leave their bags in the entryway. And then you also make yourself visible every hour or so unannounced in the party area to size things up.

This is not rocket science. You all just don't feel like doing it and reality is kids don't want to have parties at these types of houses because there are enough people who don't do it. So they go to those houses and yes the kid gets some status as a cool kid who can have "booze-fueled parties" which feels good for some parents. Which is why this thread started because if everyone did basic level supervision, there would be less opportunity for freshman to get drunk at a party.

There can be underwear in overnight bags. You still don’t want anyone checking them. Kids can’t just leave all their stuff in one place all the time.

You are deeply weird. Really. And since you introduced a new topic, yes sleepovers in high school are for getting drunk or high and/or sneaking out to avoid parental supervision. Ask any teen and they will tell you that. They, like you, want to sleep in their own bed if they are planning to try to sleep. It's not 4th grade anymore.

I don't even want to touch that weird PP's creepy posts, but on high school sleepovers being for drinking/getting high/sneaking out, I just want to say I was shocked when my DD was in 7th grade in middle school and went to a sleepover at a newish friend's house (we made sure parents were home when we dropped her off and I even asked the mom to show me where the girls would be sleeping, so she gave me a house tour and showed me the basic all set up and decorated for a slumber birthday party). So all seemed fine, but when I picked DD up the next day she told me that she fell asleep while they watched a horror movie but then the girls woke her at 1:00am because they were going to go to a nearby park and hang out - it was 1:00am!! - and my DD said no, she wasn't going to go, but then had to stay back at a house she'd never been to before, alone in the basement for about 90 mins, while the girls went out. I don't think any of them drank or smoked though, I think they were hoping some boys were going to meet them which didn't happen. Whichis still a huge dang problem that they snuck out for any reason, just clarifying it wasn't drink or smoke since that's what this convo is about.

Needless to say she never went back to that family's house, and no, I didn't tell the parents because since she was the only girl who didn't go, it would have been obvious who ratted on them and my thing is if the parents aren't paying enough attention to notice they left the house, they're unlikely to care much and I'm not making my kid into the tattle tale no one wants around because she'll snitch. I was so proud of her for staying alone, I wanted to reinforce that making the right choices is always the right thing to do.

Your daughter did the right thing.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the parents.

How did the children sneak and when?

Are parents not allowed to sleep?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious though - what happens when the kids go to college? How do they know how to drink responsibly?

+1 Why don’t parents search their own kids’ bags when they leave the house to make sure their kids don’t bring booze to someone else’s house?

Because they get it on the way from their house to the party.

So the host should check all the bags? How about you control your kids?

This is a dumb response. If they are bringing alcohol into your house, it’s your problem. The end.

If kids are sneaking alcohol into a friends house, those kids are crap.

We really want to normalize middle-aged men forcing his daughter’s teenage girlfriends to turn in their bags for inspection? That’s not a liability about to happen.

“Sarah’s dad touched my underwear! He said it was an accident my bag was really dark. He kept saying he thought there was beer in there but it was a water bottle!”

This is an odd direction to go but ok.

You don't do a strip search folks. You ask them to leave their bags in the entryway. And then you also make yourself visible every hour or so unannounced in the party area to size things up.

This is not rocket science. You all just don't feel like doing it and reality is kids don't want to have parties at these types of houses because there are enough people who don't do it. So they go to those houses and yes the kid gets some status as a cool kid who can have "booze-fueled parties" which feels good for some parents. Which is why this thread started because if everyone did basic level supervision, there would be less opportunity for freshman to get drunk at a party.

There can be underwear in overnight bags. You still don’t want anyone checking them. Kids can’t just leave all their stuff in one place all the time.

You are deeply weird. Really. And since you introduced a new topic, yes sleepovers in high school are for getting drunk or high and/or sneaking out to avoid parental supervision. Ask any teen and they will tell you that. They, like you, want to sleep in their own bed if they are planning to try to sleep. It's not 4th grade anymore.

I don't even want to touch that weird PP's creepy posts, but on high school sleepovers being for drinking/getting high/sneaking out, I just want to say I was shocked when my DD was in 7th grade in middle school and went to a sleepover at a newish friend's house (we made sure parents were home when we dropped her off and I even asked the mom to show me where the girls would be sleeping, so she gave me a house tour and showed me the basic all set up and decorated for a slumber birthday party). So all seemed fine, but when I picked DD up the next day she told me that she fell asleep while they watched a horror movie but then the girls woke her at 1:00am because they were going to go to a nearby park and hang out - it was 1:00am!! - and my DD said no, she wasn't going to go, but then had to stay back at a house she'd never been to before, alone in the basement for about 90 mins, while the girls went out. I don't think any of them drank or smoked though, I think they were hoping some boys were going to meet them which didn't happen. Whichis still a huge dang problem that they snuck out for any reason, just clarifying it wasn't drink or smoke since that's what this convo is about.

Needless to say she never went back to that family's house, and no, I didn't tell the parents because since she was the only girl who didn't go, it would have been obvious who ratted on them and my thing is if the parents aren't paying enough attention to notice they left the house, they're unlikely to care much and I'm not making my kid into the tattle tale no one wants around because she'll snitch. I was so proud of her for staying alone, I wanted to reinforce that making the right choices is always the right thing to do.

Your daughter did the right thing.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the parents.

How did the children sneak and when?

Are parents not allowed to sleep?

Could those kids have done the same thing at your house, under your supervision?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious though - what happens when the kids go to college? How do they know how to drink responsibly?

+1 Why don’t parents search their own kids’ bags when they leave the house to make sure their kids don’t bring booze to someone else’s house?

Because they get it on the way from their house to the party.

So the host should check all the bags? How about you control your kids?

This is a dumb response. If they are bringing alcohol into your house, it’s your problem. The end.

If kids are sneaking alcohol into a friends house, those kids are crap.

We really want to normalize middle-aged men forcing his daughter’s teenage girlfriends to turn in their bags for inspection? That’s not a liability about to happen.

“Sarah’s dad touched my underwear! He said it was an accident my bag was really dark. He kept saying he thought there was beer in there but it was a water bottle!”

This is an odd direction to go but ok.

You don't do a strip search folks. You ask them to leave their bags in the entryway. And then you also make yourself visible every hour or so unannounced in the party area to size things up.

This is not rocket science. You all just don't feel like doing it and reality is kids don't want to have parties at these types of houses because there are enough people who don't do it. So they go to those houses and yes the kid gets some status as a cool kid who can have "booze-fueled parties" which feels good for some parents. Which is why this thread started because if everyone did basic level supervision, there would be less opportunity for freshman to get drunk at a party.

There can be underwear in overnight bags. You still don’t want anyone checking them. Kids can’t just leave all their stuff in one place all the time.

You are deeply weird. Really. And since you introduced a new topic, yes sleepovers in high school are for getting drunk or high and/or sneaking out to avoid parental supervision. Ask any teen and they will tell you that. They, like you, want to sleep in their own bed if they are planning to try to sleep. It's not 4th grade anymore.

I don't even want to touch that weird PP's creepy posts, but on high school sleepovers being for drinking/getting high/sneaking out, I just want to say I was shocked when my DD was in 7th grade in middle school and went to a sleepover at a newish friend's house (we made sure parents were home when we dropped her off and I even asked the mom to show me where the girls would be sleeping, so she gave me a house tour and showed me the basic all set up and decorated for a slumber birthday party). So all seemed fine, but when I picked DD up the next day she told me that she fell asleep while they watched a horror movie but then the girls woke her at 1:00am because they were going to go to a nearby park and hang out - it was 1:00am!! - and my DD said no, she wasn't going to go, but then had to stay back at a house she'd never been to before, alone in the basement for about 90 mins, while the girls went out. I don't think any of them drank or smoked though, I think they were hoping some boys were going to meet them which didn't happen. Whichis still a huge dang problem that they snuck out for any reason, just clarifying it wasn't drink or smoke since that's what this convo is about.

Needless to say she never went back to that family's house, and no, I didn't tell the parents because since she was the only girl who didn't go, it would have been obvious who ratted on them and my thing is if the parents aren't paying enough attention to notice they left the house, they're unlikely to care much and I'm not making my kid into the tattle tale no one wants around because she'll snitch. I was so proud of her for staying alone, I wanted to reinforce that making the right choices is always the right thing to do.

Your daughter did the right thing.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the parents.

How did the children sneak and when?

Are parents not allowed to sleep?

Kids were sleeping in the basement, so they just snuck out the back door through their yard. Of course parents are allowed to sleep, but let's just say we learned enough about the family (and an older sister) and also learned from the next year's birthday which was just a day party and from the way the dad acted that yes, we totally and absolutely blame the parents for both modeling some pretty bad behavior and for clearly not setting & maintaining some basic boundaries for their kids when they should have. When my DD wanted to have a slumber party (and we'd had many in elementary school) I asked her who she'd invite and there were 2 girls that we were like "Sorry honey, hard no, because we already know they don't make good choices and I don't want to have to drive anyone home because they're acting foolish." She understood and eventually there were tales of other slumber parties she wasn't at and on her own she got it, she told us she's glad we didn't have one. We've since had 2 in high school, and they were fine but they were freshmen & sophmore years and between feeding them and yes, waking up a few times to make sure all was well, we had no problems.

[Anonymous]

I just wanted to say that I also think turning a blind eye IS allowing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious though - what happens when the kids go to college? How do they know how to drink responsibly?

+1 Why don’t parents search their own kids’ bags when they leave the house to make sure their kids don’t bring booze to someone else’s house?

Because they get it on the way from their house to the party.

So the host should check all the bags? How about you control your kids?

This is a dumb response. If they are bringing alcohol into your house, it’s your problem. The end.

If kids are sneaking alcohol into a friends house, those kids are crap.

We really want to normalize middle-aged men forcing his daughter’s teenage girlfriends to turn in their bags for inspection? That’s not a liability about to happen.

“Sarah’s dad touched my underwear! He said it was an accident my bag was really dark. He kept saying he thought there was beer in there but it was a water bottle!”

This is an odd direction to go but ok.

You don't do a strip search folks. You ask them to leave their bags in the entryway. And then you also make yourself visible every hour or so unannounced in the party area to size things up.

This is not rocket science. You all just don't feel like doing it and reality is kids don't want to have parties at these types of houses because there are enough people who don't do it. So they go to those houses and yes the kid gets some status as a cool kid who can have "booze-fueled parties" which feels good for some parents. Which is why this thread started because if everyone did basic level supervision, there would be less opportunity for freshman to get drunk at a party.

There can be underwear in overnight bags. You still don’t want anyone checking them. Kids can’t just leave all their stuff in one place all the time.

You are deeply weird. Really. And since you introduced a new topic, yes sleepovers in high school are for getting drunk or high and/or sneaking out to avoid parental supervision. Ask any teen and they will tell you that. They, like you, want to sleep in their own bed if they are planning to try to sleep. It's not 4th grade anymore.

I don't even want to touch that weird PP's creepy posts, but on high school sleepovers being for drinking/getting high/sneaking out, I just want to say I was shocked when my DD was in 7th grade in middle school and went to a sleepover at a newish friend's house (we made sure parents were home when we dropped her off and I even asked the mom to show me where the girls would be sleeping, so she gave me a house tour and showed me the basic all set up and decorated for a slumber birthday party). So all seemed fine, but when I picked DD up the next day she told me that she fell asleep while they watched a horror movie but then the girls woke her at 1:00am because they were going to go to a nearby park and hang out - it was 1:00am!! - and my DD said no, she wasn't going to go, but then had to stay back at a house she'd never been to before, alone in the basement for about 90 mins, while the girls went out. I don't think any of them drank or smoked though, I think they were hoping some boys were going to meet them which didn't happen. Whichis still a huge dang problem that they snuck out for any reason, just clarifying it wasn't drink or smoke since that's what this convo is about.

Needless to say she never went back to that family's house, and no, I didn't tell the parents because since she was the only girl who didn't go, it would have been obvious who ratted on them and my thing is if the parents aren't paying enough attention to notice they left the house, they're unlikely to care much and I'm not making my kid into the tattle tale no one wants around because she'll snitch. I was so proud of her for staying alone, I wanted to reinforce that making the right choices is always the right thing to do.

Your daughter did the right thing.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the parents.

How did the children sneak and when?

Are parents not allowed to sleep?

Kids were sleeping in the basement, so they just snuck out the back door through their yard. Of course parents are allowed to sleep, but let's just say we learned enough about the family (and an older sister) and also learned from the next year's birthday which was just a day party and from the way the dad acted that yes, we totally and absolutely blame the parents for both modeling some pretty bad behavior and for clearly not setting & maintaining some basic boundaries for their kids when they should have. When my DD wanted to have a slumber party (and we'd had many in elementary school) I asked her who she'd invite and there were 2 girls that we were like "Sorry honey, hard no, because we already know they don't make good choices and I don't want to have to drive anyone home because they're acting foolish." She understood and eventually there were tales of other slumber parties she wasn't at and on her own she got it, she told us she's glad we didn't have one. We've since had 2 in high school, and they were fine but they were freshmen & sophmore years and between feeding them and yes, waking up a few times to make sure all was well, we had no problems.

You're being a good parent. However, someday, for all your precautions, a group of kids in your house may make a terrible decision.

On that day, you will still be a good parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to say that I also think turning a blind eye IS allowing it.

Of course it is!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just wanted to say that I also think turning a blind eye IS allowing it.

I'm that PP, and yup, I agree. I didn't tell the parents, so they didn't know it happened.

That said, if you in the same position would have told the parents and they did whatever they would do with their child in response, leading to that whole friend group getting in trouble and being furious with your DD and cutting her out of the group, and your DD getting a rep at school as not to be trusted, do tell, how would you explain all that to your own DD?

If you read anything else I replied about this, you'd see we already knew some stuff about the older sister's behaviors, and then after the sleepover observed more of the dad's behaviors and also there were many bad choices brought to their attention about their girls, and the girls' behaviors didn't change (got worse for awhile but DD's peer/friend did eventually get better in HS after a truly awful social media shaming (my DD wasn't involved, wasn't really friends with her anymore by then).

But going back to your judgement about it, do tell, how would you explain the importance of telling parents and truly wrecking your own DD's social circle for her at the time vs. telling your DD she did the right thing and not telling the parents? Also, do you think your DD would ever tell you the truth about such a thing after that if you did tell and get her excommunicated? That's really cute if you do think she would - good luck with that. Our DD I'm sure doesn't tell us everything, but we find we know way more than most parents in our kids friend group about who is doing what. We have told another parent about something serious when we knew they had no idea and were really trying, that's been true a few times. But if I could go back in time, I'd handle it exactly the same way.

[Anonymous]

Kids sneaking around with alcohol is one thing. Parents should be clear they don’t allow drinking and they don’t allow kids drinking at their house. If it were to happen and the kids were caught, the kids would get in trouble.

Knowingly hosting kids who are partying and/or buying alcohol for them is a whole different thing and a very bad idea.

Also, letting your kids get wasted in HS is not going to prevent this in college. Come on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kids sneaking around with alcohol is one thing. Parents should be clear they don’t allow drinking and they don’t allow kids drinking at their house. If it were to happen and the kids were caught, the kids would get in trouble.

Knowingly hosting kids who are partying and/or buying alcohol for them is a whole different thing and a very bad idea.

Also, letting your kids get wasted in HS is not going to prevent this in college. Come on.

Agree with 1st 2 points, but on last point, I don't think any of the parents saying that if their kids are going to experiment, they want it to be while they still live with them so they're more likely to notice and intervene - those are not the same parents saying they'd host or "It's ok for my kids to get wasted, I'm letting them". Pretty sure if you asked which parents would knowingly let their kids go out when they knew they'd get wasted would still say yes, but who knows maybe some would let it happen. I just know no one in this long convo has said they are "letting their kids get wasted" except for the parents who host and allow/buy alcohol knowingly (or don't stop others from bringing it in).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am curious though - what happens when the kids go to college? How do they know how to drink responsibly?

+1 Why don’t parents search their own kids’ bags when they leave the house to make sure their kids don’t bring booze to someone else’s house?

Because they get it on the way from their house to the party.

So the host should check all the bags? How about you control your kids?

This is a dumb response. If they are bringing alcohol into your house, it’s your problem. The end.

If kids are sneaking alcohol into a friends house, those kids are crap.

We really want to normalize middle-aged men forcing his daughter’s teenage girlfriends to turn in their bags for inspection? That’s not a liability about to happen.

“Sarah’s dad touched my underwear! He said it was an accident my bag was really dark. He kept saying he thought there was beer in there but it was a water bottle!”

This is an odd direction to go but ok.

You don't do a strip search folks. You ask them to leave their bags in the entryway. And then you also make yourself visible every hour or so unannounced in the party area to size things up.

This is not rocket science. You all just don't feel like doing it and reality is kids don't want to have parties at these types of houses because there are enough people who don't do it. So they go to those houses and yes the kid gets some status as a cool kid who can have "booze-fueled parties" which feels good for some parents. Which is why this thread started because if everyone did basic level supervision, there would be less opportunity for freshman to get drunk at a party.

There can be underwear in overnight bags. You still don’t want anyone checking them. Kids can’t just leave all their stuff in one place all the time.

You are deeply weird. Really. And since you introduced a new topic, yes sleepovers in high school are for getting drunk or high and/or sneaking out to avoid parental supervision. Ask any teen and they will tell you that. They, like you, want to sleep in their own bed if they are planning to try to sleep. It's not 4th grade anymore.

I don't even want to touch that weird PP's creepy posts, but on high school sleepovers being for drinking/getting high/sneaking out, I just want to say I was shocked when my DD was in 7th grade in middle school and went to a sleepover at a newish friend's house (we made sure parents were home when we dropped her off and I even asked the mom to show me where the girls would be sleeping, so she gave me a house tour and showed me the basic all set up and decorated for a slumber birthday party). So all seemed fine, but when I picked DD up the next day she told me that she fell asleep while they watched a horror movie but then the girls woke her at 1:00am because they were going to go to a nearby park and hang out - it was 1:00am!! - and my DD said no, she wasn't going to go, but then had to stay back at a house she'd never been to before, alone in the basement for about 90 mins, while the girls went out. I don't think any of them drank or smoked though, I think they were hoping some boys were going to meet them which didn't happen. Whichis still a huge dang problem that they snuck out for any reason, just clarifying it wasn't drink or smoke since that's what this convo is about.

Needless to say she never went back to that family's house, and no, I didn't tell the parents because since she was the only girl who didn't go, it would have been obvious who ratted on them and my thing is if the parents aren't paying enough attention to notice they left the house, they're unlikely to care much and I'm not making my kid into the tattle tale no one wants around because she'll snitch. I was so proud of her for staying alone, I wanted to reinforce that making the right choices is always the right thing to do.

Your daughter did the right thing.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the parents.

How did the children sneak and when?

Are parents not allowed to sleep?

Kids were sleeping in the basement, so they just snuck out the back door through their yard. Of course parents are allowed to sleep, but let's just say we learned enough about the family (and an older sister) and also learned from the next year's birthday which was just a day party and from the way the dad acted that yes, we totally and absolutely blame the parents for both modeling some pretty bad behavior and for clearly not setting & maintaining some basic boundaries for their kids when they should have. When my DD wanted to have a slumber party (and we'd had many in elementary school) I asked her who she'd invite and there were 2 girls that we were like "Sorry honey, hard no, because we already know they don't make good choices and I don't want to have to drive anyone home because they're acting foolish." She understood and eventually there were tales of other slumber parties she wasn't at and on her own she got it, she told us she's glad we didn't have one. We've since had 2 in high school, and they were fine but they were freshmen & sophmore years and between feeding them and yes, waking up a few times to make sure all was well, we had no problems.

You're being a good parent. However, someday, for all your precautions, a group of kids in your house may make a terrible decision.

On that day, you will still be a good parent.

I appreciate you saying that. And I agree.

One of my best and oldest friends, who had a DD same age as mine, recently learned the very hard way about agreeing to host a party. She and her DH went back and forth with this DD (they have another who is much more responsible in general but this was the younger one) about parameters for this party (# of kids, rules about no alcohol/drugs, what would happen if the #s got too big, etc). But a horrible thing happened when the DD agreed at first to a strictly limited invite list, then when kids on teh list asked to bring kids not on it, the DD kept saying yes without telling her parents, which meant the party got bigger than expected but much much worse when a girl from one school at the party expressed interest in a boy from another school, but he was there with his girlfriend, so the 1st girl made up a story about the boy touching her and in the days after the party a horrific smear campaign and eventually threats of violence against him happened to this one boy who did nothing wrong and was minding his own business. A lot of hurt resulted and it took a lot of effort and parents & staff of 2 schools to clear up. The problem girl was not on the invite list. Also the parents didn't feel right about really walking around and monitoring the party, something they'd absolutely do if they ever had another party.

When my BFF called me so upset about the whole thing, I just kept telling her she did the best she could with the info she knew at the time, that she handled the aftermath really well given what happened, and it's always so much easier to look back and judge. And I told her she was still a good parent and not to lose faith in her instincts, because really they were worried the whole time, so now she & her DH are much braver about saying "Oh hell no!" about more of the things the younger DD proposes.

[Anonymous]

Me again, I should also say my own DD has made a couple of really bad decisions (though more about lying, not about sneaking out, drinking or drugs). And a few other bad decisions. So we are not saying we're perfect, not by a long shot.

I would not however tellt he parents of the original sneaking out girl that they are good parents. I think some of the choices they made and the boundaries they did not set and the behaviors they did not reign in mean I don't think of them as good parents. But they don't owe me any thing so all I can do is make sure my DD learns from that particular experience. And she's definitely learned from the bad decisions she made herself! We all learned from them.

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Anonymous wrote:I am curious though - what happens when the kids go to college? How do they know how to drink responsibly?

+1 Why don’t parents search their own kids’ bags when they leave the house to make sure their kids don’t bring booze to someone else’s house?

Because they get it on the way from their house to the party.

So the host should check all the bags? How about you control your kids?

This is a dumb response. If they are bringing alcohol into your house, it’s your problem. The end.

If kids are sneaking alcohol into a friends house, those kids are crap.

We really want to normalize middle-aged men forcing his daughter’s teenage girlfriends to turn in their bags for inspection? That’s not a liability about to happen.

“Sarah’s dad touched my underwear! He said it was an accident my bag was really dark. He kept saying he thought there was beer in there but it was a water bottle!”

This is an odd direction to go but ok.

You don't do a strip search folks. You ask them to leave their bags in the entryway. And then you also make yourself visible every hour or so unannounced in the party area to size things up.

This is not rocket science. You all just don't feel like doing it and reality is kids don't want to have parties at these types of houses because there are enough people who don't do it. So they go to those houses and yes the kid gets some status as a cool kid who can have "booze-fueled parties" which feels good for some parents. Which is why this thread started because if everyone did basic level supervision, there would be less opportunity for freshman to get drunk at a party.

There can be underwear in overnight bags. You still don’t want anyone checking them. Kids can’t just leave all their stuff in one place all the time.

You are deeply weird. Really. And since you introduced a new topic, yes sleepovers in high school are for getting drunk or high and/or sneaking out to avoid parental supervision. Ask any teen and they will tell you that. They, like you, want to sleep in their own bed if they are planning to try to sleep. It's not 4th grade anymore.

I don't even want to touch that weird PP's creepy posts, but on high school sleepovers being for drinking/getting high/sneaking out, I just want to say I was shocked when my DD was in 7th grade in middle school and went to a sleepover at a newish friend's house (we made sure parents were home when we dropped her off and I even asked the mom to show me where the girls would be sleeping, so she gave me a house tour and showed me the basic all set up and decorated for a slumber birthday party). So all seemed fine, but when I picked DD up the next day she told me that she fell asleep while they watched a horror movie but then the girls woke her at 1:00am because they were going to go to a nearby park and hang out - it was 1:00am!! - and my DD said no, she wasn't going to go, but then had to stay back at a house she'd never been to before, alone in the basement for about 90 mins, while the girls went out. I don't think any of them drank or smoked though, I think they were hoping some boys were going to meet them which didn't happen. Whichis still a huge dang problem that they snuck out for any reason, just clarifying it wasn't drink or smoke since that's what this convo is about.

Needless to say she never went back to that family's house, and no, I didn't tell the parents because since she was the only girl who didn't go, it would have been obvious who ratted on them and my thing is if the parents aren't paying enough attention to notice they left the house, they're unlikely to care much and I'm not making my kid into the tattle tale no one wants around because she'll snitch. I was so proud of her for staying alone, I wanted to reinforce that making the right choices is always the right thing to do.

Your daughter did the right thing.

I wouldn't be so quick to blame the parents.

How did the children sneak and when?

Are parents not allowed to sleep?

Kids were sleeping in the basement, so they just snuck out the back door through their yard. Of course parents are allowed to sleep, but let's just say we learned enough about the family (and an older sister) and also learned from the next year's birthday which was just a day party and from the way the dad acted that yes, we totally and absolutely blame the parents for both modeling some pretty bad behavior and for clearly not setting & maintaining some basic boundaries for their kids when they should have. When my DD wanted to have a slumber party (and we'd had many in elementary school) I asked her who she'd invite and there were 2 girls that we were like "Sorry honey, hard no, because we already know they don't make good choices and I don't want to have to drive anyone home because they're acting foolish." She understood and eventually there were tales of other slumber parties she wasn't at and on her own she got it, she told us she's glad we didn't have one. We've since had 2 in high school, and they were fine but they were freshmen & sophmore years and between feeding them and yes, waking up a few times to make sure all was well, we had no problems.

You're being a good parent. However, someday, for all your precautions, a group of kids in your house may make a terrible decision.

On that day, you will still be a good parent.

I appreciate you saying that. And I agree.

One of my best and oldest friends, who had a DD same age as mine, recently learned the very hard way about agreeing to host a party. She and her DH went back and forth with this DD (they have another who is much more responsible in general but this was the younger one) about parameters for this party (# of kids, rules about no alcohol/drugs, what would happen if the #s got too big, etc). But a horrible thing happened when the DD agreed at first to a strictly limited invite list, then when kids on teh list asked to bring kids not on it, the DD kept saying yes without telling her parents, which meant the party got bigger than expected but much much worse when a girl from one school at the party expressed interest in a boy from another school, but he was there with his girlfriend, so the 1st girl made up a story about the boy touching her and in the days after the party a horrific smear campaign and eventually threats of violence against him happened to this one boy who did nothing wrong and was minding his own business. A lot of hurt resulted and it took a lot of effort and parents & staff of 2 schools to clear up. The problem girl was not on the invite list. Also the parents didn't feel right about really walking around and monitoring the party, something they'd absolutely do if they ever had another party.

When my BFF called me so upset about the whole thing, I just kept telling her she did the best she could with the info she knew at the time, that she handled the aftermath really well given what happened, and it's always so much easier to look back and judge. And I told her she was still a good parent and not to lose faith in her instincts, because really they were worried the whole time, so now she & her DH are much braver about saying "Oh hell no!" about more of the things the younger DD proposes.

I don't get how the party had anything to do with the issue of the boy and the love triangle. Could've happened with or without the party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Me again, I should also say my own DD has made a couple of really bad decisions (though more about lying, not about sneaking out, drinking or drugs). And a few other bad decisions. So we are not saying we're perfect, not by a long shot.

I would not however tellt he parents of the original sneaking out girl that they are good parents. I think some of the choices they made and the boundaries they did not set and the behaviors they did not reign in mean I don't think of them as good parents. But they don't owe me any thing so all I can do is make sure my DD learns from that particular experience. And she's definitely learned from the bad decisions she made herself! We all learned from them.

But the parents of the original sneaking out girl sure thought they were good parents, all the while raging about people they thought were bad parents.

I think that’s probably the issue with DCUM. They’re all so-so parents, raging at other so-so parents, because the second set didn’t do what the first set wanted.