Am I in the wrong here or is my daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of you are saying my dd isnt doing anything wrong but when I bring up good points none of you answer to that

No one thinks your points are good. You're just a troubled mom who doesn't want to hear she's doing anything wrong. It's actually really sad to see your responses to posts. I imagine my mom would have responded much like you. I'm 40 now and she says often how much she regrets how she behaved when I was growing up and how she treated me. We have a strained relationship and I will never fully trust her or be comfortable around her. And she has a lot of regrets about that now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you are saying my dd isnt doing anything wrong but when I bring up good points none of you answer to that

No one thinks your points are good. You're just a troubled mom who doesn't want to hear she's doing anything wrong. It's actually really sad to see your responses to posts. I imagine my mom would have responded much like you. I'm 40 now and she says often how much she regrets how she behaved when I was growing up and how she treated me. We have a strained relationship and I will never fully trust her or be comfortable around her. And she has a lot of regrets about that now.

At least your mom admits it. That’s something

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you are saying my dd isnt doing anything wrong but when I bring up good points none of you answer to that

No one thinks your points are good. You're just a troubled mom who doesn't want to hear she's doing anything wrong. It's actually really sad to see your responses to posts. I imagine my mom would have responded much like you. I'm 40 now and she says often how much she regrets how she behaved when I was growing up and how she treated me. We have a strained relationship and I will never fully trust her or be comfortable around her. And she has a lot of regrets about that now.

At least your mom admits it. That’s something

Yes! Unfortunately it took my dad's death for her to reflect on things but ...at least we have a better relationship now than we did 10 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Rehome or return those cats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also she is thriving. She may not have the best grades at school or be the smartest but she loves going to school because of her friends and teachers. She and her friends and other kids have this favorite teacher who they tell all the gossip or whatever and they sometimes eat lunch in her room or stay after school or whatever so she really likes school and is obviously attached to us which proves our good parenting.

She turned out ok despite you. Once she's independent why would she come back? You remind to many of us of our own parents.

[Anonymous]

OP, nudge your homelife in the direction of being less complicated, less reliant on the perfect execution of various rules. Have grace. Give each other grace: on having a bad moment, saying something unpleasant in the moment. Chill

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of you are saying my dd isnt doing anything wrong but when I bring up good points none of you answer to that

No one thinks your points are good. You're just a troubled mom who doesn't want to hear she's doing anything wrong. It's actually really sad to see your responses to posts. I imagine my mom would have responded much like you. I'm 40 now and she says often how much she regrets how she behaved when I was growing up and how she treated me. We have a strained relationship and I will never fully trust her or be comfortable around her. And she has a lot of regrets about that now.

My mom was the same only she's kind of selectively forgotten it all. I think her mental health was incredibly bad from when I was about 9 until I went to college, and she just took it out on us. But in her mind she only remembers the time before that when she was a pretty good mom, or she'll selectively remember a few good memories and forget about all the stuff around them. I just let it go at this point but it's been a useful object lesson for my own parenting. Your kids are going to remember both your best AND your worst parenting moments. The really bad stuff in particular. So you need to stay self aware and accountable to mitigate your mistakes (which we all make) and find ways to fix things or at least soften the memories.

The very fact that OP posted here indicates that she knows things went screwy in this situation. So she's close. But she's resisting that final step which is to admit to herself that she handled it poorly, and go to her daughter and say so. Not say "I didn't handle that perfectly but you were worse" or "look what you made me do" but an actual apology where she is accountable for herself (which would also model for her DD how to be accountable to others, at the same time as she is repairing the bond with her daughter -- it's a win on multiple levels but OP can't see it because her pride is in the way).

[Anonymous]

You are wrong. She sounds like a great, mature, and responsible kid. You should have cut her a break in this situation instead of acting like a miserable bean counter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We’re fostering a mom cat and her five kittens. My (newly turned) 15 year old daughter really wanted to do this since we can’t adopt right now, so we let her take full responsibility. She handles the adoption emails (we’re copied on them), communicates with the kitten foster counselor, feeds them at night and on weekday mornings, cleans their litter box, and tidies her room every night since kittens make a huge mess. They live in her basement room at night but are allowed upstairs during the day. My 12-year-old also helps sometimes, especially on weekends when her sister sleeps in until 9 or has a sleepover.

On weekdays, my older daughter wakes up at 6 a.m. to get ready and take care of the cats and goes to bed around 10–11. Yesterday, the mom cat had a spay appointment at 8 a.m., so I woke up at 7 to get ready. My younger daughter was up too since she was coming with me. At 7:30, I went to the basement and turned on the lights to wake up my older daughter so she could feed them. I didn’t want my younger daughter doing it since my older daughter had wanted the responsibility.

When I woke her, she asked why her sister, who was already playing with the kittens, couldn’t feed them. She said she gets up at 6 every weekday and just wanted one morning to sleep in. She said she’d only gotten five hours of sleep the day before after haven woken up early the day before to go to Costco with me, and had even declined a sleepover to rest. She said she’d mentioned wanting to sleep in, but I told her that didn’t excuse her responsibilities and that she should just go to bed earlier.

Before I left, she yelled that I “can’t be talking” since I wake up at 8 every morning. I found that disrespectful because while I do wake up at 8 on weekdays, I also work a job and take care of three kids (the youngest is 8).

Who’s in the wrong here?

You sleep until eight on weekdays with three kids (youngest 8) and work? Do you see your kids before they go to school? You are wrong. No question, there was no reason your younger daughter couldn’t have fed the cats and let your other daughter sleep, compassion for others is a lesson perhaps more important than discipline.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like your daughter is more responsible than 99% of 15 year olds, so I’d start from a place of appreciation of your kid. You may be “right,” but yeah, why couldn’t the people who were already awake feed the cats? As a nice thing to do for a generally good kid?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plus she is extremely polite and helpful at friends houses - I have received so many comments about her helping with the dishes, being very polite etc..- why cant she do this at her own house?

Probably because she doesn't like or respect you because of everything you've told us today. Can't wait for a "why doesn't my daughter speak to me" post from you in five years.

We do everything for them. Whatever sports they want to do, If they want new books, and we agreed to these foster cats.

Literally who cares? That's not what kids want or need. They want and need to feel loved and accepted by their parents. Your posts are dripping in disdain for your own child. I promise you she senses that and gives it right back. For the love of God read a parenting book during your many hours of "me time" every night.

Like I always tell her: "With you attitude nobody wants to be around you." She knows why. She doesn't change.

This has to be a troll.

Absolutely!

[Anonymous]

Is this thread 1 page of people explaining how OP is clearly wrong, and 8 pages of OP throwing a fit instead of takiing a lesson?

No wonder the DD felt ready to foster a mom with kids. She's had 15 years of experience already!

[Anonymous]

OP here:

I love my daughter. She has a bad attitude and its impacting the whole family. Theres no excusing that. My husband works from 7-9 almost 7 times a week. I wake up at 7:50 enough time to make breakfast and lunch since 2 of them leave at 8:15 and one at 8:45. They have no problem with this. My daughter very clearly wants to stay near us as she does not want to live far away for college and doesn't want any sleepaway camps. She is connected to her friends and teachers at school and does many acativites. I dont see your problem with me. There are many with her that we are working on even though its hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I love my daughter. She has a bad attitude and its impacting the whole family. Theres no excusing that. My husband works from 7-9 almost 7 times a week. I wake up at 7:50 enough time to make breakfast and lunch since 2 of them leave at 8:15 and one at 8:45. They have no problem with this. My daughter very clearly wants to stay near us as she does not want to live far away for college and doesn't want any sleepaway camps. She is connected to her friends and teachers at school and does many acativites. I dont see your problem with me. There are many with her that we are working on even though its hard.

Yes OP we get it, you're a wonderful mom and your daughter is doing everything wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

I love my daughter. She has a bad attitude and its impacting the whole family. Theres no excusing that. My husband works from 7-9 almost 7 times a week. I wake up at 7:50 enough time to make breakfast and lunch since 2 of them leave at 8:15 and one at 8:45. They have no problem with this. My daughter very clearly wants to stay near us as she does not want to live far away for college and doesn't want any sleepaway camps. She is connected to her friends and teachers at school and does many acativites. I dont see your problem with me. There are many with her that we are working on even though its hard.

Yes OP we get it, you're a wonderful mom and your daughter is doing everything wrong.

I shouldn't have, but laughed at your synopsis.

I feel like there is a cultural element here that hasn't come up but might explain the disconnect between the majority of people who find mom problematic (of which I am one) and OP looking for blind obedience and absolute compliance.